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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DP being U? (dog related)

222 replies

supersop60 · 07/05/2017 11:13

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:

CornflakeHomunculus · 11/05/2017 00:32

You can actually buy breeds that are hypoallergenic, there's a decent sized list of breeds

There's no such thing as a truly hypoallergenic dog. The main allergens dogs produce are in their saliva and dander, these are common to all dogs regardless of coat type. Several studies have shown that allergen levels vary more between individual dogs than between breeds. Obviously some people who are allergic tolerate certain dogs very well (including my DH, we have four dogs he's absolutely fine with, none of whom are of supposedly hypoallergenic breeds), however it can't reliably be linked to breed.

RedJubbly · 11/05/2017 01:52

You can actually buy breeds that are hypoallergenic, there's a decent sized list of breeds

That's simply not true. I cough and splutter before I even see the dog that's on the list of non allergenic dogs,

But that's beside the point. The husband in this case does not want a dog. He should not be forced into tolerating a dog in his house if he does not want a dog in his house.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I do not want and will not have a dog in my house. I simply do not believe that it will cure any one of my family of a MH problem. In fact, it might cause ME a great deal of unnecessary stress to have an extra responsibility which is not my choice and which is thrust upon me. It might even cause ME to have MH problems. I seriously think it might affect my mental stability if I had even more responsibility poured in on top of the ones I already have.
Getting a dog is a huge and massive commitment if you are going to look after it properly, and commit yourself wholeheartedly to its wellbeing.
Much easier not to have one.

DixieFlatline · 11/05/2017 02:12

Ops dh grew up around dogs. When he comes into contact with them, he sneezes. I don't think he's going to have an anaphylactic shock.

You have no idea whether the allergy would get worse or not. Neither does the OP or her DH. It would be incredibly U to risk it, especially since the person risking his health is the one who doesn't even like the idea of having the dog.

RedJubbly · 11/05/2017 03:09

maybe if we'd had a dog years ago she wouldn't have had MH issues in the first place

I'm hoping you know how ridiculous that sounds to the rest of us
who have children with MH issues. Some of whom have been brought up surrounded by mucky and salivating but lovable labs.
There are people here, reading, who have children with MH issues,
to a greater or lesser extent, who have had dogs from year dot.

Dogs are not a sticking plaster for anxiety and depression.
My own DD was dragged out of her depression by me taking her to see the newborn lambs at a local farm. She perked up when she saw how cute they were. It brought her out of her misery. It was short lived but we went again the next day. And again the next. It was really hard work on my part. But she was so depressed I had to do whatever I had to do

I don't really know how she got better. But she did. I think I helped.
But it was nothing to do with dogs.

My older daughter who has SEN and has no speech can herald the entrance of a service dog by coughing and spluttering. She is definitely hypersensitive to the fur or the dander.

Please OP, do not make your partner agree to have a dog that he clearly does not want. It will not help your dd long term nor will it help your relationship with DP

RedJubbly · 11/05/2017 03:28

OP YABU.

Caring for a dog is pretty relentless, It's a massive commitment.
It will not 'cure' your daughter
It will result in arguments about who should look after the dog,

But most of all, Your daughter does not have mh problems because of lack of dog. Look further..

Gabilan · 11/05/2017 07:12

I simply do not believe that it will cure any one of my family of a MH problem. In fact, it might cause ME a great deal of unnecessary stress

I think "cure" is a very strong word where MH issues are concerned. I had 3 dogs as a teen and into my 20s. I think they alleviated my depression. They certainly gave me a reason to get up in the morning. But now I'm in my mid 40s I still have depression, it's just treatable. And whilst the dogs helped me, it's also possible that they masked symptoms. I wasn't actually diagnosed until my 30s.

Fully agree that if a family member does not want a dog, or any other pet, it shouldn't be thrust on them.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/05/2017 07:36

An hairless cat/sphynx could be another possibility to consider, they are quite dog like in personnality.
Would your DH have to be with the dog a lot (working from home, dog walking, etc...)? If not you can minize is exposure somewhat by not having the dog in your bedroom and in the living room.

Mammylamb · 11/05/2017 07:39

Hi, can I recommend looking at a bedlington terrier. We have one and she doesn't she'd and is a lovely wee dog.

neonrainbow · 11/05/2017 09:31

I do hope that you haven't shared your little theory of your daughter not having mental health issues if only you had a dog years ago with your partner. As that makes it sound like her MH issues are his fault.

DixieFlatline · 11/05/2017 12:04

Hi, can I recommend looking at a bedlington terrier. We have one and she doesn't she'd and is a lovely wee dog.

It's not the hair that people are allergic to.

Original poster

supersop60 · 11/05/2017 20:13

redjubbly and neon - it was a fairly throwaway remark, which if I'd said it in RL you'd have said 'Don't be daft' and the conversation would have moved on.
I have already said on here and to DP that he would not have to do anything with the dog. We have laminate floors and leather sofas, it would not be allowed in the bedroom, it would be washed and groomed regularly and yes, I will have to vacuum more often.
Interestingly, DP has had a sinus-y headache for two days and he said "This is how I used to feel all the time, I don't want to feel like this again"
I wasn't sure if I should point out that he gets sinus headaches very frequently (average twice a week for the 18 yrs I've known him) and it might be just him.

OP posts:

DixieFlatline · 11/05/2017 22:54

I wasn't sure if I should point out that he gets sinus headaches very frequently (average twice a week for the 18 yrs I've known him) and it might be just him.

That sounds like an undertreated allergy or similar problem. Adding more of a known allergen is not the answer...

Wolfiefan · 11/05/2017 22:59

You sound completely unsympathetic to your DH. Allergies are fucking awful. I developed a horse one. Spent years around horses. All fine. Suddenly I broke out in the most intensely itchy hives I have ever had. Ended up clawing at my skin all the way to the shower. I can't imagine living with a pet that I was allergic to.
All the hoovering, grooming and wooden floors won't actually stop him being allergic. Do you want him to move out? Why would you put his health second to a pet?
Find a better way to help your daughter.

neonrainbow · 11/05/2017 23:05

Why dont you just accept that someone in the household doesnt want a dog and stop browbeating him over it. The fact he doesn't want one should suffice.

questsabelletreetop · 12/05/2017 08:25

We have a miniature goldendoodle (retriever poodle) who doesn't shed at all. My DC have allergies and she doesn't effect them remotely.
Goldendoodle' were originally bred as assistance dogs for those with allergies so could be perfect.
If you do decide to go for it inbox me, I know an incredible breeder. Good luck!

skiploom · 12/05/2017 11:02

I live with a dog that my DH wanted and I didn't. It's bloody awful having something running around your house all day every day that you don't want to be there. DH is NBU.

Original poster

supersop60 · 29/06/2017 19:25

Follow up. DH did agree to a dog and set some rules ( which I already knew). About 4 weeks ago we took on a 6 month old Sprocker ( from a family who had two, and then found out they were expecting their 4th child, so couldn't manage).
DD has done everything from walking to bathing to picking up poo, accompanying to vets, training classes. I haven't had to nag her once. She's managed to get out of bed and out of the house (!), she's getting fresh air and exercise. She went to all her GCSE exams - a condition for getting the dog.
She also has been offered a college place to study animal management.
DP is coping well - no sniffles. A few worries that the lawn will be wrecked (but it's fine).

OP posts:

Fireinthegrate · 29/06/2017 19:36

That's good to hear, and I'm glad your daughter is getting on well. I hope your partner's allergy doesn't get bad.

pinkhorse · 29/06/2017 19:43

Ooooh I have sprocker! Absolutely crazy!

Stressedout10 · 29/06/2017 19:48

Yes yabvu he has an allergic reaction to dog hair no dog end of and quit with the guilt trip

SleightOfMind · 29/06/2017 21:56

I RTFT thinking it sounded such a bad idea for you to get a dog but am so glad to have been proved so wrong!
Wonderful news about DD. Must be like the clouds clearing for you all.
Oh, and we need a pic of wonderpup!

Original poster

supersop60 · 30/06/2017 16:54

stressedout did you read my post? I thought DP was being U to get a dog for a bit and then give it away after 14 months.

OP posts:

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