Is DP being U? (dog related)

[supersop60]

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

FrancisCrawford the OP's DCs don't have allergies (IIRC). Her DH (who is an adult) seems to have fairly mild allergies to some dog breeds. Why are you so intent on going on about children with allergies and sudden escalation to death?

OP I get the difference between fish/hamsters vs dogs - we have fish and dogs and did have gerbils. My teen dd adores our dogs and the feeling is mutual. However she would have neither the time nor inclination to walk the dogs twice a day in all weathers - DH does that. When it's dark, windy and peeing down will your dd really be up for going out at 8pm to walk the dog? Or realistically will you or DH end up doing it?

Francis is going on about children and allergies because she asked the OP if she would feel exactly the same way if it was one of her children who was allergic to dogs. I suspect that OP would feel totally different. Adults can decide to dice with death themselves regarding allergies, but if it was a child who had an allergy, this question would never have arisen. And even mild allergies can become very, very uncomfortable if you are continually exposed to them, day in and day out.

Of course the child won't walk the dog. Like every child, they would want the fun part and the graft would be left to someone else.

I think it's unreasonable to introduce a dog into a family when one of the parents doesn't want one. A dog is a big responsibility and there is no guarantee that it will be much or any help to DD. It's a gamble.
It might help a bit or it might not. And if it doesn't, you're stuck with a dog one of you didn't want for the next 15 years.
Allergies apart, I think it's very unreasonable to ask your DH to live with a dog he doesn't want.

Having said that, I can see that you are maybe clutching at straws to help your DD - but you need to see the bigger picture. There is every possibility it could make things worse, one way or another.

I reluctantly got dogs because dh wanted them. I so wish I didn't have dogs. I'm just counting down the years till they die. Sure they are well looked after good food/walks/insurance etc but it's just more hassle in my life, more dirt, more money spent, less freedom, more space taken up. It's the number one thing we argue about in this house the bloody dogs. The children go though stages of loving the dogs to being annoyed by there existence the dh is the only one who thinks of them as lovely family members here.

What about a therapy cat instead?
DS has one.
Dogs are so much more hard work than anybody can anticipate (slightly bitter owner of an 8 month old Lab)

I'd say it's up to your dh op, he's the one who will suffer.
Is he allergic or does he have allergyies to dogs though?

You cant say she will do all the caring for the dog.

What if her mental health gets worse and she doesnt.....or even better and she wants to be out all the time doing things?

Added to that she is a teenager. Teenagers are generally quite fickle.

This is a living animal we are talking about. Not a teddy bear

I'd say he should consult his doctor.
I did, i take an antihistamine now.

My sister got a dog that was meant to be non shedding and 'hypoallergenic' (cockapoo). My DS2 is still allergic to him!

Does your DH have reactions in other doggy homes or just at his parent's house?

Iwill only sneezy at his parents home. Oh actually - also at his friend's house in Cyprus where they have 11 dogs. Who own the house.

I still think most of you are missing the point here.
Of course the OP would be the one with ultimate responsibility for the dog. It's meant to be therapeutic so I don't believe the OP would set her up to fail.
On the contrary, I'm sure the OP understands that having a dog would provide an opportunity for the parents to demonstrate and teach their DD that there are rewards for loving unconditionally even though it involves making some personal sacrifices.

I certainly don't agree with the poster who said the OP is being selfish. It looks to me like its her DP who is prepared to sabotage any therapeutic benefit for the DD by his selfish need for control

YNK You are projecting some serious issues.

Your obsessed with painting the partner as a monster even after being corrected by the OP. Saying OPs DP is emotionally abusive, has a low level of empathy, is abusive to an animal, has a selfish need for control and insinuating OPs DDs mental health issue stems from his lack of empathy, just because he doesn't want a dog? WTF

a dog would provide an opportunity for the parents to demonstrate
and teach their DD that there are rewards for loving unconditionally
even though it involves making some personal sacrifices.

And why can't an animal that they can all agree on caring for teach that?

YNK You seem to be reading a different thread to everyone else

Of course the OP would be the one with ultimate responsibility for the dog. It's meant to be therapeutic so I don't believe the OP would set her up to fail.

I'm sure nobody would intentionally set their child up to fail, but getting a dog is not the only answer ... it could help or it could not, there are no guarantees. One of my friends got a dog as she was advised it might help her depression ... only when she had a deep bout of depression that meant that she barely got out of bed, having to feed, walk, pick up after the dog as well was just an added pressure that she couldn't cope with and she ended up being more heartbroken when she had to admit she couldn't cope with the dog and had to have him rehomed for his wellbeing and her mental health.

I'm sure the OP understands that having a dog would provide an opportunity for the parents to demonstrate and teach their DD that there are rewards for loving unconditionally even though it involves making some personal sacrifices.

Or it will provide an opportunity to show that people should ignore the obvious symptoms and sacrifice their own health because of someone else's whims and wants.

There's making sacrifices and then there's affecting someone's health - the OP's DH has both expressed his wish not to have responsibility for a dog and has a good reason in having allergies, and yet both of those are being ignored because it "might" help DDs mental health. Might affect MH does not trump the fact that it will affect the DH's physical health.

It looks to me like its her DP who is prepared to sabotage any therapeutic benefit for the DD by his selfish need for control

It is not a selfish need for control to not want to have to suffer allergies every day for the next fifteen years! Not to mention the DH has actually agreed to have a dog - on a fixed trial basis - to see how it goes. I think that is a very selfless and sensible idea.

The DD is not a baby, it could be clearly explained that this is a trial situation, with a dog going to be an Assistance Dog, and depending on how that goes - with DHs allergies, with how it helps DD, and whether or not the novelty wears off - they can then consider whether it's a viable long term solution.

I am allergic to dogs and found that after a few weeks of my own mutt I was fine. It's actually helped my reaction to other dogs as well. I had an itchy wheeze first week but with medication I was fine.

My dog is a mutt, lab and cocker. He is wonderful, and the last thing ds does before school and the first thing he does after is snuggle with the dog. He is on the spectrum and the sensitivity of the dog towards him is wonderful to behold.

It's not selfish to not want to deal with allergic reactions every single day the dog lives.

I'm allergic to cats I put up with it for so long until my reactions got worse, it started with sneezing and runny eyes then escalated into a full body rash I had to get medicated cream from the doctor for then the cat went to live with my brother. How ever much the cat was lovely I was not covering my self in cream everyday ontop of taking antihistamines and risking my allergy getting even worse.

I have already said that due to the conditions the DP wants that it would be best not to have a dog.
I'm retired now but I worked a lot with MH, particularly children's MH which is almost always down to attachment issues. A dog is the best animal to use because of the loyalty and affection they provide which is why a cat isn't as good, Although it can help develop empathy and a sense of responsibility cats are just too independent to foster the mutual healthy interdependence that is required to counter any avoidant or ambivalent attachment, plus the DD has herself expressed a strong interest.
The DD is not a baby, but attachment issues go back to early childhood which is why there needs to be such an effort made to commit to healing those losses that derailed the attachment process.
I have said several times that it's possible the DH is not aware of the therapeutic benefit or what the OP and the therapist would like to achieve so the sabotage could be accidental, on the other hand it might be deliberate, which isn't a nice thing to contemplate.

I have a friend whose dd was desperate for years to have a dog. There were whole days she talked about nothing else. She would do everything for the dog.
The parents agreed to get one and she was overjoyed.

I was round there house about 6 months later. She came into the room "can you keep the dog away from me, it's driving me crazy"

She doesn't mind the dog being around sometimes, but she does nothing for it, and I don't think would mind that much if it wasn't there.
The one who does everything is the dad who works from home ... And was the most opposed to getting it.

I suspect this is behind his suggestion that they look into training assistance dogs. If she still is involved 14 months later, then she is going to stay involved. But the chances are she's going to lose interest before then

How about getting a Siamese cat?
We have one and he's convinced that he's a dog.
Very affectionate and doesn't need walking.
(Can be rather vocal though! )

YNK You continually talk about the benefit of how great dogs are ... but that doesn't actually consider the fact that the OP's DH isn't just objecting because he refuses to have a dog, but because he HAS A MEDICAL REASON.

He is willing to compromise, to try out having a dog, but before they commit to a dog for potentially another 20 years, or risk having to rehome a dog that has become part of the family because his allergies get too severe and/or the DD doesn't respond to the dog as well as the therapist thought, once the novelty has worn off.

That is the sensible thing to do - foster a dog that everyone is clear from the outset will, in about a year's time, go on to be a working dog for someone in need. That way they have a fixed term to see if having the dog improves anything, see how the DH copes with is allergies and see if DD is still as invested in the dog in a year.'s time, all with the knowledge from the outset that this was a "trial run" so to speak.

If after that year DD has lost interest in the dog, or DHs allergies have got more severe, or even the opposite that DD is still hands on and DHs allergies are still reasonably under control, then they can consider whether they want to foster a future working dog again or get a dog exclusively as a pet.

Agree with the much earlier poster re getting rats, for the reasons given. They're a lot more interactive than hamsters. Have also come across people who took them on public transport, to parties etc - people certainly can't miss you!

I agree about rats. People actually compare them to dogs, because of their levels of affection and playfulness.

phlebasconsidered same! I don't always need to take Antihistamines now. I never even knew i had an allergy

I don't understand - why give the dog away at 14 months, why is this relevant at all? Assistance dogs are hard to come by anyway, and cost a fortune and are not routinely given back or away at 14 months.

OP you and the DCs want a dog, have wanted a dog for a long time and are using DDs health as a moral imperative to get one.

I remember DS was desperate for a dog, as was DH. DS even came out with the line " I know you couldn't give me a little brother or sister but we could get a dog". We borrowed our neighbours as I've said upthread for the occasional overnight - within a few minutes DS was asking me to get the smelly dog away from him and DH was reconsidering the notion after I made him fully responsible for all clean up and feeding activities.

That is very unfair on your DP. He has made his position clear over the years. I agree with other pps - try looking after someone elses dog, or get a different pet, or get DD to channel her energy into helping out at a dog home or similar.