Is DP being U? (dog related)

[supersop60]

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

And now I've flipped back a page and seen that she doesn't like rats. Guess I ought to have RTFT. Apologies!

This thread seems to be inhabited by several different parallel universes

I can't believe there are people who think dog owners will 'lend' out their precious family member to someone to see if they might like it!
People take their relationships with their dogs as seriously as they do with any other member of the family, which is why the therapist has suggested a dog rather than any other animal.

Anyone who would take such irresponsible 'care' that they would 'lend' their dog out doesn't deserve to be a dog owner. Dogs need training, commitment, correct feeding and a loving and trusting relationship with their owner, not someone who treats them like a library book. Dogs also need to be under the control of their owner at all times so they do not cause a nuisance (or worse).

Think:

If it doesn't work out the distress will be absolutely devastating. (Trust me, I've been there)
If your DP had a massive reaction and ended up very ill how would you feel?
Getting a dog is a huge thing and you all need to be on board.

Most importantly to me Your DP has spent his whole life being forced to share a house with dogs he was allergic to. Basically his parents though having a dog more important than his health and discomfort. Personally I would think it incredibly shitty to do that to him again.

Meh. I pay a stranger to take my dog for 2 weeks when I go away. They get to have a temporary dog, he gets someone new and keen to play with, I get to go away without him.

Not a random stranger, obviously. It's via a "home from home" dog boarding franchise.

To some extent the allergy issue is a red herring. Having a dog is such a huge commitment and EVERYONE has to want it. If your DP isn't a dog lover then please don't get a dog.

Have been in the situation of having a teenager with serious MH issues. She wanted a dog. We got one.
DD has been unable to stick to anything much in her life but this was different. She did and does walk him. She trained him as a puppy and was up at 4 am with him if he woke up. She adores him. We all do now. I walk him when DD is at college, so I've been out and about and getting fit, too. He's a big hairy dog and needs long walks.
It's no exaggeration to say he has benefited DD and the rest of the family enormously and enhanced our lives.
And bollocks to the PP who said "every child" would fail to walk the dog.

You must, however make a decision based on the whole family's needs and wishes.

My husband never wanted a dog due to being allergic however he gave in the end.
We did a lot of research and have had a miniature poodle for last two years. They don't shed any hair at all but do need regular grooming. We keep him looking shaggy dog style rather than the sterotypical groomed poodle look. Husband hasn't sneezed once. No issues whatsoever ever. He's gorgeous - dog that is, not husband

It wouldn't be fair on the dog to bring it into a home with someone who doesn't like it and resents it. It would end up being a disaster, the poor dog would be given away. It's always the dog who suffers. Why can't people look beyond the end of their own nose when getting a pet?

Zandra awww we adopted a bichon too just over a year ago, her name is Leela and she's 2 years old. Lovely snuggly girl but hates being on her own.

Ooh just one more photo.
Op please consider a Bichon. They're are incredible dogs.

I am going through divorce, just found out today ex is using his new girlfriends law firm as solicitor, while I don't think it is a legitimate conflict of interest I am really not happy about the situation, plus he had assured my daughter he would not use anyone the girlfriend knows, we were having an amicable divorce 🤔 Before, now he has the solicitor I received a snotty letter which even my solicitor was shocked and surprised by ! ? . Dragging out his financial responsibilities even longer

Julcol are you on the right thread?

Welp I have a fairly similar story the other way around. I don't like dogs much due to bad experiences, didn't want a dog and am allergic, but dp and dc wanted a dog. So we have a dog, and despite all promises that they would walk it etc I'm the only one who does. I take antihistamines constantly and I try to give the dog a nice life. I'd be distraught if anything happened to the dog but I'm still "not a dog person" really.

I would say don't get an animal someone in the home is allergic to if you have a choice. Having your ability to breathe pushed down the priority list past your DPs wants makes a funny talking point for a forum post or dinner party but it isn't all that amusing actually.

I don't usually care for little dogs much, but those bichons look utterly adorable!

Struggling - I think it's awful you have to take medication for the allergy and if my dh had we wouldn't have got the dog end of.
I made a light hearted joke it but in reality we both put a lot of research into which dog to get. A lot of people are not allergic to all dogs. My dh came to see the puppies and spent time with them several times before committing to buying to see how he reacted. He has been totally fine and the dog has had a positive impact on our family.
I would say if you are allergic and agree to have a dog do some research and take necessary steps to avoid that situation.

Great photos anon1987 - what a character she looks! Especially like the one of her tucked up to sleep human-style.

I have a similar level of allergic response to your DH from the sounds of it OP. I control it with a daily antihistamine. We have 3 cats and last year got a dog. We don't have carpets or fabric upholstery and vacuum regularly (recommend Miele Cat and Dog). Getting a dog was the best thing we have ever done. My initially resistant husband now dotes on her.

I live with four dogs (one is mine), used to run a pet care/dog walking business and I can't stand that 'dog smell' that you mentioned OP. The dogs in my house don't smell like that and I have noticed it is certain breeds that emit that scent when left without a bath for a long time. We had a dog before and she had labrador in her. I noticed that she started to whiff like that if she needed a bath. The same for a golden retriever and my friend's English springer spaniel.

Anyway, I got myself a dog when I was 23. Having been chronically ill since I was 10, when my health took a turn for the worse, I got myself a Yorkshire terrier. She's 13 now. She doesn't shed as they are single coated. My dad didn't want me to get another dog, as at the time we had a bigger family dog, but I really wanted a dog of my own who would be of direct comfort when I was in severe pain during the night or feeling low. I have never regretted the decision and he adjusted to her and really liked her in the end. Part of the reason I chose this breed was the size. They are very portable, don't shed, and are adaptable exercise-wise. I would not have got a bigger dog as he was not keen on another dog so I wanted something I could cope with.

Getting a therapy dog in training would be low on my list if I were you because you get the hard young dog phase without the later benefit of having got through that. Also, the breeds used a lot as therapy dogs are often dogs I would not adapt well to myself as they can be quite big and might be heavy shedders. Lastly, I can't imagine being your DDs age, bonding with the dog and giving it back. I could do it as an adult as I have my own dog but would still find it painful, as a teen no way. It would defeat the purpose of getting the dog, in my opinion.

Sorry I didn't read your post properly at all!
Absolutely a terrible idea. Why an assistance dog? You need to be totally dedicated to train and to give it back....no way. If your dh was to insist on this it would be totally heart breaking for your daughter and the dog.

My partner is allergic to dogs and we have 4.

He takes an antihistamine daily and we make sure the place is hoovered twice a day. Hairy dogs also go to the groomers to minimise shedding. Laminate floors to reduce allergic reactions, air purifier, etc,

That being said, if your husband isn't willing to do these things then that is fair enough. My husband loves dogs and is happy to do and have these in place to allow him to have dogs.

Bichon Frise's are hypo allergenic I love my Bichon and she doesn't affect my allergies at all. Maybe he is using his allergies as an excuse and he just doesnt want one. You shouldn't go over his head on this

grimm - just for clarity - dp was 18 when he left home for college and went straight into work from there. He hasn't lived 'at home' for 35 years, so he hasn't been 'forced all his life' to live with dogs.
We are still discussing all the possibilities.

We are still discussing all the possibilities

If you are still in discussion then it's obvious that he really does not want to have a dog. The only discussion can be that you are trying to persuade him to have a dog that he doesn't want.

If he was even halfway to agreeing to have a dog, then you would have one already.
Please do not bulldoze your dh into having a dog that you are convinced will help your DDs mental health. It very likely won't.
I have been there and I have done that.
My DD had/has MH problems so we had to get a cat.
The cat didn't work. I am still looking after the fecking cat.
So she wanted to go on an expensive educational course, which would solve all MH problems. We couldn't really afford it but we took a loan to pay for it. It didn't help. Then she wanted to have a gap year in Thailand, which would cure her of all ills. More money. It didn't help.
So she wanted a dog. I wouldn't have a dog. No way. I drew the line.
Which was lucky for me because she took a job 200 miles away with her (sudden) boyfriend. And I would have been left with the dog, had we got one.

I've lived with a dd with MH problems, and please believe that just getting a dog isn't going to solve any problems at all. NONE!
It's what they believe that they want and need. But we are older and wiser, aren't we? Having a puppy and young dog around is a short term distraction for a young teen.
If puppies cured MH problems then they would be available on the NHS. If your child has a MH problem, you can be absolutely sure that it wasn't caused by them never having had a dog and it won't be cured by them getting a dog.

I think you should respect your husband's feelings about not wanting a dog in the house. Not only does he not want one, but he's a bit allergic to them as well! Having a dog is a huge commitment and responsibility. Your DH does not want that commitment and responsibility. And most important of all, it will not cure your dd,
of her depression or MH problems.

Please don't discard my comments. I HAVE been there.
I still have the 15 year old cat to prove it. Long ago discarded as an emotional prop for my dd. She's a bit of a bloody nuisance really, but of course I love and care for her. ( I mean the cat, obvs)

Please don't get a dog. You will forever be hearing the cry "Well it was you who wanted the bloody thimg!"

You can actually buy breeds that are hypoallergenic, there's a decent sized list of breeds