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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP being U? (dog related)

222 replies

supersop60 · 07/05/2017 11:13

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
crazyspaniellady · 07/05/2017 15:15

With dog allergies it's often not the fur that is the issue but the "dander". It's like dusty, skinny stuff that all furry animals produce so getting a dog that doesn't cast that much or even grooming and vacuuming probably won't help.
If you are going to get a dog PLEASE don't get a puppy, rescue a dog and give it a second chance at happiness. Then the dog and your DD can "get better" together.
If your DH has agreed then go ahead, but don't get a dog and get rid of it again a year later, that's awful! (Unless I have completely misunderstood)

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 15:15

So as some said he's using allergy as an excuse. Get a dog and tell him to grow the fuck up. This is his dd.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 15:16

I think yabu. A thearpist suggested a dog? Why? That seems a bit daft to suggest a dog to a teen when they have no clue what the rest of the family would feel about that.

And what if it doesnt help her?

We got a dog. We anticipates dd would be obsessed as shr has wanted a dog for years. Ds has never had a interest in dogs at all. Not even my mums. Me and dh planned to look after the dog so ds not bothering is fine.

However dd, who wanted a dog for years, barely bothers with the dog. Thats fine too because because me and dh do. Ds is the kids obsessed with the dog. Teaches her tricks, always wants to go on walks, brushes her, sits with her.

If we had got a dog purely for dd, the dog would be bloody miserable. Thats why we only got a dog when me and dh had time. What ds does with her is a bonus.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 15:21

Leda

It's known that dogs have therapeutic benefits for ill people and people with mental health problems. Stroking a dog gives a positive hormonal release: Serotonin, Oxytocin, Prolactin.

melj1213 · 07/05/2017 15:23

YABU - he has an allergy and there is one easy way to not make him have allergic reactions - and that is to not get a dog. Yes some dogs may be lower allergen risks, but what happens if you get a dog and his allergy symptoms don't show up straight away but slowly worsen over a period of time? I lived with dogs for the first 18 years of my life with very little/no reaction to them ... I moved out and lived animal free for a few years and now when I visit my parents I suffer an allergic reaction to the very same dogs I grew up with, so it's not a static thing it can be progressive.

You are wanting to put your DDs mental health above your DH's physical health all over an animal. That's not OK. There are many other ways to help with your DDs mental health without compromising your DH's physical health yet you're still pushing for it.

He gets the sniffles after about 48 hrs when we visit his Ps - not asthma, no risk of anaphylactic shock. And if I say to him - why don't you take a one-a-day allergy tablet before we visit, he makes some feeble excuse.

Not everyone wants to medicate themselves all day every day for the rest of their lives!

I have an allergy to dog dander, if I am visiting my parents and their dogs for the day my allergy is generally fine, if it's an extended visit I have to either take the daily antihistamine or suffer the allergic reaction. The only problem is, after a couple of days of taking antihistamines I usually start to get bad headaches, feel nauseous and sometimes I start to feel spaced out/drowsy ... all of which are known side effects of the antihistamines and I, fortunately, have the option of leaving and going back to my own house if it gets too much ... your husband won't have that luxury.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 15:25

Francis.

The way op portrays her husband is as having mild allergies. This was clear from the start. If I had a dc with mild allergies, I would have a dog if the benefits outweighed the risk. Not as a very small child because of lung development. But an older child for mental wellbeing for example. Talk of anaphylaxis is undue in this instance.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 15:29

It's known that dogs have therapeutic benefits for ill people and people with mental health problems. Stroking a dog gives a positive hormonal release: Serotonin, Oxytocin, Prolactin

Its not 100% promise of helping her mental health issues though. I have seen a few threads on here and known people in RL that havent been helped. A poster on this thread advised it didnt help her.

A dog is a living animal and a thearpist has advised to bring one into the house in the hope it helps. But what if it doesnt and this living animal has to be rehomed. How is that ok?

Andrewofgg · 07/05/2017 15:30

It's not "refusing to grow the fuck up" not to want a dog in your home. If you don't, you don't, and that is the end of it.

RainbowJack · 07/05/2017 15:31

and DP has reluctantly agreed

I think the allergies are a red herring. He clearly doesn't want one. It's a legitimate reason. He doesn't need an excuse.

Congratulations OP. Sounds like after 10 years of hounding you've broken his will and you and the kids will be getting your way.

YNK · 07/05/2017 15:31

The fact that he has agreed with conditions that would impact on and do the opposite of any therapeutic benefit is what I see as emotionally abusive (if it's intentional). I think the allergy is a red herring. I'm allergic to cats but we have always had one because I believe having pets develops children's capacity for empathy and leads to healthy attachment.
I'm even more inclined to think DH is emotionally abusive now after hearing he wont allow horseriding even though it is a family interest.

And no, I wouldn't want to live with someone like this. Why should I? He sounds very inconsiderate at best and downright uncaring and self interested at least, possibly abusive if he is aware of what he's doing.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
supersop60 · 07/05/2017 15:34

Other questions - we have fish, they are DP's and he feeds them (SO dull) We had hamsters - the both Dcs cared for them but didn't have a 'relationship' with them.
DD is fully willing and prepared to do ALL the taking care of a dog. I expect it will be me that pays for it.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 07/05/2017 15:40

The therapist has been utterly inappropriate suggesting getting a dog to a teenager who has most likely mentioned wanting to get a dog during therapy . Besides which it all seems incredibly coincidental that you and DD have been desparate for a dog and DP has said no, and oh, suddenly the therapist has suggested getting a dog and now a dog is essential to her mental wellbeing? Hmm

Your DD is a teenager. At best the novelty of having a dog will probably have warn off within a couple of weeks, whereas you'll be stuck with the dog for the next fifteen years or so, long after DD has moved out and probably has a family of her own.

Contrary to opinion on this thread, I don't think your DP's suggestion of getting a dog to puppy walk for an assistance charity is such a bad idea although I would personally take a different approach. But with having an assistance dog in training would give a very good idea as to how a dog really would integrate into the family and how DD really takes to it. The idea of having a dog is often far more exciting than the reality of it.

But personally I would consider e.g. Boarding a dog in training for e.g. Guide dogs or similar, that way you'd have the dog in the evenings and weekends so you'd have the feeding/walking etc to do when DD is at home and it would ultimately go off to become an assistance dog in a couple of months. Then you might get an idea as to whether a dog was something you wanted to pursue long term.

And for those who say it would be detrimental to DD, well, she's not a baby or a toddler, she's a teenager who is presumably capable of knowing that this dog is a temporary thing not least to see how she gets on with having a dog....

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/05/2017 15:40

The 14 months scenario - is he suggesting Guide Dog Puppy Walking?

My DParents have friends who did this , their DC were late teens to 8yo.
They already had a very well trained yellow lab as their own pet. The whole family were on board and they knew 100% that the time the puppy spent with them was a stepping stone for the Pup.
It's not like your own dog. You need to do all the usual obedience and toilet training and introduce it to potentially scary situations like crowds, trains, buses, hospitals.

I very much doubt they'd give one of their precious puppies to someone who just wanted to 'use' it like this. Hmm

Andrewofgg · 07/05/2017 15:42

DD is fully willing and prepared to do ALL the taking care of a dog.

MN regularly posts threads about DC who say this but they lose interest and a parent, usually DM, ends up doing all the work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 15:43

Francis

I've had allergic reactions myself. And witnessed others with serious reactions to mosquito bites etc. I had one to penicillin when I took it for a long period. Skin rash, top to toe. Then didn't take it again. This was abroad and the alternatives made me ill. When I came back to the uk, I decided I wouldn't declare it as an allergy and have piriton on standby if anything happened. I've taken penicillin for two months straight with no problem. It's calculated risks and an allergy to an animal isn't likely to go from mild to anaphylaxis in minutes.

SoggyBottomBoys · 07/05/2017 15:44

Allergies don't have to be life threatening to be seriously unpleasant.

I'm allergic to cats. If my DH forced one on me I'd move out.

Fortunately he never would...

Original poster
supersop60 · 07/05/2017 15:44

YNK - sorry, what?
Nowhere did I say that DP wouldn't allow horse riding - my DD has no interest in spite of it being a family thing.
And to the PP who said we had hounded DP. Absolutely not - I said I had supported him. Things change.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YNK · 07/05/2017 15:55

Sorry supersop, I misunderstood that.

To the poster that suggested a temporary involvement with dogs was a reasonable alternative, I think you are missing the therapeutic benefit of loving and respecting a pets needs in order to build strong attachment.
The DH is suggesting a process that would confirm that there is no point in loving as it will always lead to loss. Far better not to bother with a dog at all than do this to the DD.
I think the therapist has been quite clever in bringing all this family discussion into the open.

LittleCandle · 07/05/2017 15:56

You really don't know anything about allergies. If you really had been allergic to the penicillin, then taking it subsequently could have killed you, so the reaction on your skin was to something unrelated to the drug. And if you really thought it was an allergy to penicillin, then you were a fool to risk taking it again!

DD1 had a huge amount of allergies. Her first, carefully monitored, introduction to horses went very well and there was no sign of any allergy. Her second meeting did not go nearly so well. Within about a minute, she was wheezing. In five minutes her eyes were swelled shut and her mouth was swelling. She nearly died. She went from no allergy on first contact to anaphylaxis. So what you said about mild allergy not leading to anaphylaxis is bullshit. DD1 was given a muscle relaxing drug for an asthma attack when she was 16. When she was 20, she was given it again - and it put her straight into severe anaphylaxis and respiratory arrest. She was on life support for 48 hours and said that before she was intubated, she knew she was dying. It was, without doubt, one of the most frightening times of my life. It took her about 2 years to 'recover' from this and her allergy load is one of the highest in the UK. Your posts indicate that you know nothing about allergies; nothing at all.

RedJubbly · 07/05/2017 15:56

Stroking a dog gives a positive hormonal release: Serotonin, Oxytocin, Prolactin

Only if you like dogs,, surely?

Nancy91 · 07/05/2017 16:10

OP it sounds like YOU want the dog. The dog might not help your daughter and may actually stress her out. There is no guarantee that the dog will like petting and cuddling, it might be a snappy, loud, difficult to train dog that will just stress her out even more!

If my partner moved a dog in when I was allergic I would move out rather than medicate myself everyday or walk around itching and sneezing in my own home. You are being selfish. Ridiculous thread.

WannaBe · 07/05/2017 16:14

"DD is fully willing and prepared to do ALL the taking care of a dog." you're being very naive if you think that will actually happen. She's going to stay up all night with a wining puppy is she? On school nights? Clear up after it? House train it? Take it to obedience classes? Take it for walks every day? Feed it? Etc etc? I give it a week before the novelty of all that wears off, or at least as long as it takes for dog to destroy something of her's.

And only on MN could someone assume that the partner is abusive because he won't get a dog. What bullshit.