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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP being U? (dog related)

222 replies

supersop60 · 07/05/2017 11:13

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
aginghippy · 07/05/2017 13:03

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding about dog allergies on this thread. Hoovering up the hair or getting a short-haired breed is unlikely to help, because it isn't normally the hair that causes the allergic reaction. Most people are allergic to animal dander, that is the dead skin that flakes off and becomes dust. Some people can also be allergic to the animal's saliva or urine.

He is NBU. I wouldn't want something in my home that causes me to feel ill.

Cantbeatatryer · 07/05/2017 14:01

I agree with aginghippy. It's the dander. Be very careful what breed you get. My dh is allergic to long haired breed dogs especially poodles and Yorkshire terriers. He was absolutely fine with our lab! I have a long haired dog now. Dh takes antihistamines every day and he does have to limit how much he interacts with the dog but over time his reaction has got better with him. But we went into this with our eyes wide open.

Also a puppy can be bad for mental health! As an adult well trained dog my boy is now great for my mental health and I wouldn't be without him. But as a puppy he nearly broke me Shock

Do you have time for a puppy? Have you thought what you would do if your husband is allergic? It would be very detrimental to your daughters mental health if the dog will have to be rehomed due to allergies.

All so it's a very bad idea for your daughter to have a dog for 14 months then have to give it away. The first 14 months of a dogs life is the hardest!

For me there are too many what ifs. Is it possible to contact a reputable rescue where you could maybe find an older dog where your dh would maybe be able to spend some time with the dog and see how he reacts?

Good luck.

Summerisdone · 07/05/2017 14:05

Look at something like a mini schnauzer, they shed very little, aren't big dogs and low in allergens so they're usually ok for people who are allergic to dogs.
My mum has 3 of them and stepdad is fine, although he usually suffers dreadfully, he's always quite sneezy when he comes to my house with my cockapoo.

They make wonderful companions and are very loyal and loving as well as being quite smart and obedient, so easy enough to train.

Ilikecheeriosyum · 07/05/2017 14:10

We got a dog when I first got very ill with schizophrenia and became agoraphobic and couldn't leave the house,

She was my life line, she saved my life, I took tiny steps out of the house with her by my side, going further each day and she gave me confidence and something to talk about with the community nurses.

A few months ago she sat right by my side every night while I was withdrawing off 4 different drugs over a few months, I was shaking, cramping, sweating and crying, and she stuck with me, giving me kisses and I couldn't have done it without her.

It's a good thing but it needs to be a family decision, there are dogs which don't shed much,

But if dogs are the allergen, I have a friend going through psychosis who is supported by his cat, she also saved his life by finding him when he was suicidal and distracting him until help came. So dogs aren't the only option :)

Babyroobs · 07/05/2017 14:17

Gosh- please don't get a dog then take it away from your daughter, that could be devastaing for both of them.
My dh has allergies and bad asthma. We got a non shedding dog ( Cockapoo) and he hasn't been any worse since we had her.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kwoggers · 07/05/2017 14:26

The 14 month thing is quite unusual and I don't get the logic but at the same time, ignoring his physical health is incredibly unreasonable and it's unfair that your and your daughter (I assume that's what "My (and DC)" means) are ganging up against him and you can't present a united front as parents.

Andrewofgg · 07/05/2017 14:26

It's his home. He doesn't want a dog in it. Don't-want-dog trumps wants-dog every single time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 14:32

Interesting that none of the posters advocating getting a dog in a home with a know allergy sufferers have a DC with pet allergies.

My brother has pet allergies. And dust allergies. Brother was 5 when the dog arrived. So I do know about allergies. I also saw how he was around the pony. And the dh can't have the severely because he's happy to get a dog for 14 months then send it away.

Nancy91 · 07/05/2017 14:32

It's not fair to get a dog when he is allergic to dogs. He wouldn't force you to eat foods you're allergic to, would he?!

Get a different pet.

YNK · 07/05/2017 14:39

I think the therapist is suggesting a dog as a means of improving a childs attachment issue.
By suggesting the dog is viewed as a working dog to be given away once it's job is done, is to undermine any therapeutic usefulness and compound the DD's mental health problems.
Now the question for me is, is he doing this deliberately to be cruel or is it a lack of empathy?
I think it's the latter, but either way I wouldn't live with him.

Elphaba99 · 07/05/2017 14:39

I can see why the therapist suggested a dog but it would have been more helpful had she/he spoken to the OP first to see if it was in any way feasible.

FrancisCrawford I was not advocating getting a dog when I recounted my DSis having a dog allergy but having no symptoms around Mini Schnauzers. But it is the case that some people can be allergic to certain breeds yet not others. If the OP's DH is very sneezy around moulting breeds it does not follow that he's allergic to all breeds. I wondered if he assumed (rightly or wrongly) that he would end up doing all the dog walking - which is fair enough, as it is a huge commitment.

Also, getting a pup can lead to sleep deprivation, poop/wee accidents in the house etc. It's like having a new baby. So initially the work and tiredness involved can actually be detrimental to MH rather than helping it.

OP apologies if I've missed it, but do you have or could you get an easier pet for your dd to nurture and look after? Fish, gerbils, or something?

GlitterGlue · 07/05/2017 14:40

Allergic reactions are horrible and often worsen over time. No amount of hoovering and dusting will lessen the impact. It's unfortunate, but just not reasonable to get a dog in these circumstances. And I agree, the therapist has really overstepped the mark.

Some good suggestions given upthread though. Dog walking, riding for the disabled etc. Maybe worth looking into?

SlothMama · 07/05/2017 14:41

If your DP is actually allergic to dogs then you shouldn't be getting one, giving a dog back after 14 months will be really upsetting.
Couldn't you get a cat? Or maybe take her to some riding stables for lessons?

GlitterGlue · 07/05/2017 14:43

The 14 months is because they would be puppy walkers for a service dog organisation such as Guide Dog for the Blind. Presumably he thinks this would be a reasonable way to test out the allergy?

Elphaba99 · 07/05/2017 14:46

Glitterglue I think so. But he obviously hasn't thought through the distress his dd may go through having to hand puppy back after 14 months. That would be hard enough for an adult. 🙁

MrsMozart · 07/05/2017 14:48

Look at the non-allergenic breeds.

I believe Shih Tzu are good in that respect, don't shed (do need trimming), and will be a lap dog and a walking dog.

Kwoggers · 07/05/2017 14:49

@YNK

I wouldn't live with him

Are you on glue, a bitter divorcee or other?

YNK · 07/05/2017 14:52

It would be devastating for the DD and far from encouraging healthy attachment it gives her the message not to love or else it will lead to loss.
Intentional or not, this s horribly cruel.
I think the therapist has got to the root of this childs MH problems.

Kwoggers · 07/05/2017 14:53

So, you ignored the part about his allergies and are now blaming him for the daughter's mental health issues?

DFOD, and stop projecting your very strange issues.

Original poster
supersop60 · 07/05/2017 15:02

Interesting replies and pretty much as I expected.
I'm not sure where any of you got the idea he would be abusive - that's mad!
He gets the sniffles after about 48 hrs when we visit his Ps - not asthma, no risk of anaphylactic shock. And if I say to him - why don't you take a one-a-day allergy tablet before we visit, he makes some feeble excuse.
When we see my sis, who has two Springers, he has no reaction at all, and we have had them to stay at our house many times. DD has walked them, bathed them, brushed them, picked up poo, fed them etc and after asking for a dog for about 10 years, it's got serious.
Re longevity - I would prefer that she didn't get a puppy, and of course, she has a younger brother who we are expecting will be living here for another 6 years or so and who would share the care.

OP posts:
User99573864 · 07/05/2017 15:03

I'm struggling to understand.

MH professional has suggested a dog to help your daughter?

DH says yes, despite being allergic.

You and other children say no?

Or have I misunderstood?

If you want an animal based therapy without having them in your house have you looked at horse riding?

Original poster
supersop60 · 07/05/2017 15:06

kwoggers - not so strange issues actually. See my other threads.

OP posts:
Kwoggers · 07/05/2017 15:08

@supersop60

I wasn't clear. That was directed at YNK who blamed your husband for your DD's mental health issues, or are you agreeing with them and think he is to blame?

Original poster
supersop60 · 07/05/2017 15:12

user - not quite.
DD has always wanted a dog and DP has always said no and I have supported him, although I would like one too. DS would also like a dog.
Now a MH professional has suggested that it might be beneficial, and DP has reluctantly agreed.
Absolutely no to horse riding. No interest at all there even tho PILs have horses as well. BTW - no allergy there and DP rode in competitions.

OP posts:
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