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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP being U? (dog related)

222 replies

supersop60 · 07/05/2017 11:13

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 07/05/2017 12:21

If you've never lived being allergic to a pet you won't understand that all the grooming and vacuuming in the world won't help. It's bloody miserable living in an environment where your body is constantly under attack. My allergy to cats got worse once I moved out of home and got to the point where I had two serious asthma attacks in one day. I then didn't visit my parents for 5 years, they had to come to me, it put a huge strain on our relationship with my parents and sibling as they didn't understand how scary that day was. I love animals but I was happy to hear the cat died, it literally drove a wedge between me and my family. I felt ostracised from my parents home.

Getting a pet knowing you are going to give it away is irresponsible and doesn't make any sense. Having survived a pet allergy I wouldn't recommend it, it's bloody miserable.

Abraiid2 · 07/05/2017 12:21

Poor dog being given away at 14 months. If I were a breeder I would not agree to this.

Only exception being dogs who are then put into training as guide dogs or other service dogs, who are placed with families up until then.

CoolCarrie · 07/05/2017 12:23

What a beautiful smiley dog.

DorotheaBeale · 07/05/2017 12:26

Only exception being dogs who are then put into training as guide dogs or other service dogs, who are placed with families up until then.

Isn't that what op's dh meant, when he referred to assistance dogs?

But I too think the therapist overstepped the mark. She has no idea whether it would be feasible for the dd to have a dog. Is she old enough to/able to take on the whole responsibility?

Jollypirates3 · 07/05/2017 12:26

Labradoodle? Cross between labradoor and poodle. Apparently they are low on allergens. You would have to check though

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/05/2017 12:26

YABU. It's not fair to force him to have a dog when he's allergic. The suggestion of "hoovering up any hair" as a solution is just ridiculous.

5moreminutes · 07/05/2017 12:33

I thought it was pretty clear in the OP that supersop 's DH would grudgingly consider having an assistance dog in training temporarily, not that he wanted them to get a random dog from a breeder and return it or advertise it for sale at 14 months old!

"he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months"

www.guidedogs.org.uk/supportus/volunteering/what-can-i-do/puppy-walkers/

In some circumstances that might be a great thing to do, but probably not with a teen with mental health issues wanting a dog to bond with and a parent who is allergic to and doesn't like dogs!

witwootoodleoo · 07/05/2017 12:34

Erm... what does he mean by "it should be an assistance dog"? He does know you can't just get a puppy and declare it an assistance dog that you can take everywhere doesn't he? (assuming you're in the UK)

HildaOg · 07/05/2017 12:35

Yabvvvvvu. It's extremely selfish to demand that one family member sacrifice their physical health and wellbeing so another can get the pet they want. Your daughters mental health issues will be far worse when the stress of having a dog her dad doesn't want is making him ill and that arguments and puts pressure on your marriage. Which it will.

Why don't you encourage her to volunteer with animals? Or get her a pet lizard or hamster.

YNK · 07/05/2017 12:36

There are lots of breeds of dog that are low shedders.

The DH is making the point that he has such a low level of empathy he would be abusive to an animal no matter if it was beneficial to his DD.

I think that is the important issue the therapist has uncovered.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 07/05/2017 12:37

It's hard work living with a pet you're allergic to. When my chap moved in he brought his elderly cat with him. At first I thought it was ok but then the coughing at night started. Asthma attacks, sneezing attacks, unable to wear contact lenses anymore due to sensitive eyes, constantly itchy roof of my mouth.

I'm now on inhalers and daily anti-histamines and the odd swig of liquid piriton to knock me out if things get too bad.

I put up with it because I know it won't be long before she's dead!

GrassWillBeGreener · 07/05/2017 12:38

I agree with those who say alternative breeds may be worth considering. I'm somewhat allergic to dogs and cats but nowadays am fine around many. However, golden retrievers are on my "NO" list as I was reminded that my allergy is more than merely theoretical when my daughter had a school friend whose family had them - sneezing and watery itchy eyes ++.

Volunteering sounds great to explore if you can find somewhere that is allowed to have children your daughter's age, whatever that is. I know our local sanctuary can't permit under 16s to take dogs out for walks for example (though they can accompany an adult who always holds the lead).

Good luck improving things one way or another.

YNK · 07/05/2017 12:38

Oh, and of course no dog should be subjected to this.
I don't think I would want to live with it either!

Kimonolady · 07/05/2017 12:40

I'm afraid I think you're BU, and I say that as someone whose dog is absolutely the love of her life!!
A dog is such a big commitment for the entire family, it completely changes your life - going out for an evening is harder, going away for a week or so requires extra plans and expenses... Really not fair to force that on your DH if he's completely not up for it. That's before you even get to the allergies. He may well be allergic to dander, so even a non-shedding dog would be a problem.
I sympathise with your DD, and do agree that dogs can be fantastic for mental health - I've found that myself. But I would suggest that while she's still living at home, she thinks about volunteering at an animal shelter, or signs up to walk/look after dogs occasionally on Borrow My Doggy or similar.

PossumInAPearTree · 07/05/2017 12:41

He does know you can't just get a puppy and declare it an assistance dog that you can take everywhere doesn't he?

Someòne ought to tell that to the woman in our town who takes her pack of poodles in the supermarket with her all wearing "Seizure Alert Dog" tabards. Why she needs 3 or 4 dogs to alert her I have no idea. and I suspect none of them are assistance dogs makes me giggle when I see them.

justkeepswimmingg · 07/05/2017 12:43

Aw I think he's being slightly U. Is it possible to pet sit a friends smaller less hairy dog for a few days and see how he gets on. It could be the golden retrievers that are causing the problem, and not all breeds. Short haired dogs may be better for him, and if brushed often they don't shed too much hair. You could sign up to 'borrow my doggy', for the mean time. Could also help you to decide what breed you want. Hope it works out for your daughter.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2017 12:43

The DH is making the point that he has such a low level of empathy he would be abusive to an animal no matter if it was beneficial to his DD.

Where have you invented that from??

DorotheaBeale · 07/05/2017 12:45

OPs dh is abusive because he doesn't want a dog but has said he might consider it under certain conditions, which would ultimately benefit other people? Good grief.

OP hasn't said who would be responsible for looking after this dog and paying for its keep.

counterpoint · 07/05/2017 12:46

If your DH sneezes when he visits his parents' home (no dog present), maybe there's an underlying issue and not necessarily an allergy to dog hair.

Dog hair is very similar to human hair. He may not be allergic at all.

user1471439727 · 07/05/2017 12:47

Surely the fact that he's allergic and you see how much he suffers just from visiting his PIL should be enough to tell you that getting any dog at all is a ludicrous idea.

5moreminutes · 07/05/2017 12:48

YNK

"here are lots of breeds of dog that are low shedders.

The DH is making the point that he has such a low level of empathy he would be abusive to an animal no matter if it was beneficial to his DD.

I think that is the important issue the therapist has uncovered."

What absolute bollocks! He has not said he'd be abusive anywhere in anything that the OP has posted! He's said the only way he'd consider a dog is if it was on a temporary basis as a puppy walker for an assistance dog in training! Guide dogs etc. are placed with puppy walkers from 6 weeks until about 14 months old, it's pretty obvious that was what he meant, not that he'd get a puppy planning to sell it once it was a young adult dog!

Its probably ill advised as puppy walking would be a massive commitment and the DD might be worse off if she bonded with a puppy then it had to go on to the next stage of training and to its ultimate role as an assistance dog, but presumably he's looking for a compromise that will allow the DD to have a dog without him being stuck living with an animal he is allergic to long after his teen daughter has grown up and left home!

RainbowJack · 07/05/2017 12:48

Allergens are found on dander, saliva and urine, not just hair.

It sounds like you also want a dog and that's why your siding with your DD against your DH. If it was solely about your DDs MH why can't you get another therapy animal like a cat, rabbit, fish, guinea pigs etc.?

He has allergies and no one should be forced into living with an animal.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2017 12:49

If your DH sneezes when he visits his parents' home (no dog present), maybe there's an underlying issue and not necessarily an allergy to dog hair.

But the OP says

Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.

ChuffMuffin · 07/05/2017 12:51

People are usually allergic to the dander (the dead skin flakes) and the saliva, not the hair. If your DH is allergic, it's really not fair to him to get a dog. And I say that as a dog owner.

ememem84 · 07/05/2017 12:52

Does it have to be a dog? Could dd start doing more animal related hobbies? Maybe dog walking/volunteering at local animal rescue?
I was feeling very stressed a few years ago with work and made the decision to take up horse riding again (I rode as a kid had an accident and then took almost a 20 year break). It's done wonders for my mental health. Something about being outside and being around the horses.

We've also just got a cat and I do agree that she's helped bring the stress levels down.