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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP being U? (dog related)

222 replies

supersop60 · 07/05/2017 11:13

My daughter has been struggling with MH issues for about a year (I have posted before about this). She has a new therapist who has raised the idea of getting a dog. This idea is not new to us; dd has wanted a dog for years and DP has always said no. He grew up with dogs- Golden retrievers who are hairy and large, always had a place in front of the fire, were never washed or groomed, and gave him an allergic reaction. Even now when we visit PIL, the house smells of dog, there are hairs everywhere and DP starts sneezing.
My (and DC) have tried to tell him that we wouldn't have a large hairy dog, and it would be groomed, and we would hoover up any hair.
I think this would be essential for my dd's mental well being.
So, the latest is that he would grudgingly agree to a dog, but it should be an assistance dog, which would have as a puppy and then give away at 14 months.
I think that this would not help my dd in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
RachelRagged · 07/05/2017 11:52

Lady

I agree . I have had pet rats and my daughter has continued the tradition . Clever, inquisitive, loving ... I'd have rats again but I have cats , not fair on either .

DorisMcSweeney · 07/05/2017 11:53

I think it is extremely selfish to get a dog knowing your DP is allergic. If the boot was on the other foot how would you feel if your DP was insistent that you got something for the household that made you feel ill?

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 07/05/2017 11:53

Could your dd benefit from a bond with another type of animal- a cat or small animal such as a hamster/gerbil that is hers and she can care for?

isupposeitsverynice · 07/05/2017 11:54

I think dogs are great for mental health. I don't know what I'd do without mine. Get another I expect! But an allergy is difficult, and agree with the poster who said what about when she moves out, how will that work? Rats might actually be a really good alternative - I've never kept them myself but everyone I've known who has raves about them and how lovely they are.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 07/05/2017 11:54

Could she volunteer at an animal charity? Volunteering often can help MH issues, if people are well enough to do it, as it's a focus away from yourself, gets you out of the house and so on, plus animals are often very interesting/don't ask awkward questions about how you are!

Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 11:54

Volunteer for the Cinnamon Trust?

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 11:56

I have a cockapoo. He sheds as he has an almost straight coat. Most do not as they are curly and take after the poodle parent.

He is bvu to agree to a dog and then give it away a year down the line. I'd get a relatively small dog, which doesn't shed. Cockapoo, bichon type. They are very affectionate. Mine sits on the sofa with me but not on my lap as he doesn't like it. Most will sit on your lap though. He is totally attached to me. If you want this level of attachment for your dd, she will have to walk and feed him. And they can spend time together in her bedroom. The dog could sleep in there with her so your dh will hardly notice it.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2017 11:57

My dog hasn't been good for my mental health at all.

5moreminutes · 07/05/2017 11:57

What about a house rabbit - they can be very dog like without the taking for a walk part... If your DH isn't allergic to rabbits or to hay.

Its a really bad idea to get a dog if one permanent member of the household doesn't want one and is allergic. He has experience of dogs so he has a basis for his standpoint, whereas the idea it will help your daughter is unproved, and if she doesn't take to the dog or loses interest or can't cope with having much to do with it you are potentially stuck with a high maintenance animal in your house which your DH doesn't want and is allergic to for 14 or more years. If you have a dog there are so many things you won't be able to do as easily (such as go out to work full time, go on holiday without significant extra cost and hassle) even after your DD is an adult.

ratspeaker · 07/05/2017 12:00

If your DH turns out to be allergic to a new dog it would be much worse for your DDs mental health if you have to rehome the dog fairly soon.

Is there someone you know with a dog that you could borrow or look after while they go on holiday?
That way you'd know if your DH is going to have a reaction and if your DD is committed to walking and caring for a dog.

I agree with Lady S about rats.
One of my DS has rats, some rescue ones. Its taken him time and patience to turn timid animals into social, friendly pets. Hes had MH issues but this seems to have given him a focus.
Of course the best rats to get are not rescue or pet store ones but youngsters that have been handled and are used to humans, from breeders or accidental matings.

JaneEyre70 · 07/05/2017 12:02

I've got a cocker spaniel and a cat. And there is hair everywhere, no matter how hard I try to stop the spread!! It ends up in the airing cupboard, in the clean washing, you name it......and for someone with an allergy, I don't see how you could have a hair free place in the house.
No matter how hard it is, I don't see how you can have one.

gleam · 07/05/2017 12:02

I think it's unfair to your dh.

Also, what if you get a dog and dd doesn't bond with it or gets fed up of it?

PovertyPain · 07/05/2017 12:04

Could you offer your services to an animal charity, as a foster carer? Foster a low allergy dog and see how your DH gets on. Make it clear to your daughter that it's a foster dog.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Domino20 · 07/05/2017 12:09

Miniature pig? (Not trying to be flippant, they can be house trained and are sooooo cute. I got a dog with the specific intention of improving my health, he changed my life!

iloveeverykindofcat · 07/05/2017 12:09

Seconding rats (though NB they have a short lifespan. 2 years is old). My new friend has a colony and I'm amazed - they really are intelligent and so social. They're a fully organized colony.

Domino20 · 07/05/2017 12:10

( ) * bracket failure

YNK · 07/05/2017 12:10

It would be an assistance dog that he would give away at 14m?

He is clearly saying the only way he would have a dog is if he was allowed to abuse it as an object.

I couldn't live with anyone with so little empathy for a living creature. Is this where your DD's mental health issue stems from?
I think your DD's therapist has flushed out an issue you all need to look at.

LittleCandle · 07/05/2017 12:11

If your DP is allergic to dogs, why would you even consider getting one? DD1 is hideously allergic to almost every animal, even the ones that are meant to be good for people with allergies. It isn't worth the risk to his health. We were years without pets because of DD's allergies and it was only when she left home that I was able to get a cat again.

Why not suggest your daughter volunteers for riding for the disabled? Horses are well known to have amazing benefits for mental health problems. If that isn't an option, there are various projects around the country which teach children to ride and look after the horses and they are specifically aimed at children with mental health problems and they do wonders.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 12:15

Ops dh grew up around dogs. When he comes into contact with them, he sneezes. I don't think he's going to have an anaphylactic shock. Were his allergies life threatening, he wouldn't have agreed to a guidance dog, which he knows needs a lot of training and seeing as he was the one around dogs, he'd possibly be best placed to train it. My brother was allergic growing up and in a situation with hairs flying everywhere from long haired dogs, would be again. He is perfectly fine with his short haired border collie.

Hulder · 07/05/2017 12:15

If your DH is allergic to dogs he's allergic to dogs. He could investigate whether low-allergen breeds would be tolerable for him - but they may not be.

An assistance dog charity is not going to let you bring up puppies for them if the adult largely responsible for the puppy's welfare is ill!

Equally as pointed out above, it will be far worse for your daughter's MH if her DDad is dead or critically unwell because of a dog she brought into the home.

Asthma kills. It isn't just some sneezing. I doubt her therapist was a aware of the wider issues surrounding dogs in the family home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 12:16

I should have added, I think the allergy situation is a red herring.

RedheadLover · 07/05/2017 12:16

Zandra123

I'm sure you're already aware of this but your dog is incredibly adorable!

Elphaba99 · 07/05/2017 12:20

My Dsis is allergic to dogs and also never wanted one. She and BIL now have a miniature schnauzer and DSis is completely symptom free. Not only do they not moult, they don't have a fluffy "undercoat" like Border Collies etc.

Getting a dog is almost as big a commitment as having another DC, IMHO. They are family members. Even I would find it hard to "give back" an assistance pup I'd had for 14 months, if pup was the only dog in the house. That's just me, obvs.

As well as the allergy issues, does your DP assume he'd have to do all the walking/training? That could well be offputting for him.