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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
YoniFucker · 07/05/2017 08:57

Mil thread? Wink

C0untDucku1a · 07/05/2017 08:58

How would they
Know? If it is a surprise party they dont know and if they do it isnt a surprise party.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 07/05/2017 08:58

I wouldn't go. .
Whoever planned it had no real regard for your feelings at all.

Let them explain to the guests why the no show.

Stay in and eat Cake and have Wine instead. .

Original poster
RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:59

No no no MIL! Friend who has organised is genuinely one of the nicest sweetest people who would normally never do anything that might upset someone, hence the dilemma.

OP posts:
Goodythreeshoes · 07/05/2017 08:59

Oh dear. Is it a party for you and you've found out?

Karmin · 07/05/2017 09:00

If it is a surprise party that they didn't know about why would they be a total bitch for not attending when they were not supposed to know anything was going on in the first place....

Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 09:01

It's not a surprise party if they've told you about it??

Original poster
RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 09:01

Count there were suspicions and it was made clear weeks ago that it would not be appreciated and GOH would want to know. Asked someone who would hear about it to please tell them if it went ahead. The organiser and other guests don't know the secret is out yet.

OP posts:
ScissorBow · 07/05/2017 09:02

Make other plans and don't go. If you've made it clear in the past despite being a lovely friend they haven't listened to your wishes.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 09:02

Goody yup!

OP posts:
Bishybarnybee · 07/05/2017 09:03

IMO you would be a total bitch to not to go and let it go ahead without you. .

Imagine all those people waiting for you and you not turning up. It would be an insult to all of them and would cause major ripples and make you look seriously neurotic.

If you really can't face it you need to tell the friend to cancel it.

PaperdollCartoon · 07/05/2017 09:03

The thought of a surprise party gives me the fear, I hate the whole idea (for me!) my family and friends I think would all know this.

I would probably be pretty annoyed I someone organised one for me anyway, but if I found out in advance and had some time to emotionally prepare so it wasn't completely a surprise might make it better because it's the 'turning up and it's just happening' I particularly dislike the idea of. If you know it's happening it's not really a surprise anymore?

Original poster
RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 09:05

Bishy see I thought that had happened weeks ago when I made it clear I did not want this and I was under the impression the entire idea had been scrapped. It's happening today and only figured out yesterday. That's why I don't know if it's too late to cancel.

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 07/05/2017 09:06

Posted too soon - But if you do think you know I would tell the friend 'I think you're organising X - I've said before I don't like surprise parties, I really really mean it. So if you are organising what I think you are please cancel it I don't want it'. But I wouldn't just not turn up.

Instasista · 07/05/2017 09:06

Oh god you can't not go. Someone's arranged a party for you? Venue food entertainment? You can't just refuse to go and leave them in a pub with all your mates waiting!

ChicRock · 07/05/2017 09:06

When someone organises a surprise party under these circumstances, it's all about them - the praise they'll receive about what a good friend they are, how much time and money it must have taken, blah blah.

It's not about the guest of honour at all when they've made it clear they'd hate this kind of thing and explicitly said they wouldn't want it.

exLtEveDallas · 07/05/2017 09:07

Can you be 'out' on the day? Or ill?

Otherwise I think I'd just be completely honest "Dear friend, I have been told that you might be organising a 'surprise' party for me...please don't. I don't like surprises or being the centre of attention"

PaperdollCartoon · 07/05/2017 09:07

Ah saw your last post. I think you might have to buck up and just go. At least you have been able to emotionally prepare for it. Frustrating and I feel your pain, but if they really mean well take it as a nice thing and try to enjoy time with friends.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:08

No, I wouldn't go. Really this would annoy me to hell. I'd feel the same way as you. It's uncaring - they are choosing to have a celebration for THEMSELVES. They know you won't appreciate it. How is that anything other than selfish?

Good thing here is that as it's a surprise party, hopefully you can get out of it quite easily. I wouldn't call them on it - I would make some excuse at the last minute - a real excuse - go and do something else, and as the 'arrangement' for you to call in for a drink (or whatever the set-up is going to be) isn't AT ALL significant - then you can perfectly innocently cancel at the very last minute. Ring half an hour after you were supposed to be there with an ooh sorry, we'll have to rearrange, I nipped over to town/see friend/return a jumper and remembered I had to do x. Or, if evening, be tired and headachey and not go.

Grr on your behalf!!!

dudsville · 07/05/2017 09:08

Book something under the pretence that you are unaware of the surprise party. Post your excitement about your plans on fb. Don't answer your phone or door.

NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exLtEveDallas · 07/05/2017 09:08

If it's today - be ill. D&V is always a good one.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 09:09

I would go yes, because the intention is good and everyone will indeed think you're a total bitch for knowing and deliberately ruining it.

AlternativeTentacle · 07/05/2017 09:10

No you don't have to go. After all you don't know anything about it do you?

OhDearToby · 07/05/2017 09:10

It's today? I think you have to go.

Not for the benefit of the party organiser but all the people who will be travelling to attend and expecting to see you there.

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