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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 07/05/2017 09:10

I think it's not a terrible thing to not go. It's supposed to be a surprise therefore you're not meant to know about it therefore how can you be accused of letting down all the guests?

Goodythreeshoes · 07/05/2017 09:10

Oh no. How soon is the party? Is there time for your 'informant' to let the organiser and guests know before they make arrangements to travel etc. Or have you got a partner that could put the (well meaning but deluded) organiser straight? A surprise party would be my absolute nightmare.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:10

Sorry no I do absolutely think that you can decide not to go! How is this now your responsibility to keep them happy?!

They decide to have a party which you've made clear you don't want. So it's all about them. Now they've been busted, you are supposed to put them first and not make them feel bad even tohugh the reason this is happening is because they are quite happy to make YOU feel bad? And it's supposedly your special day?!

What is the situation OP? Presumably some innocent 'pop over for the afternoon/have a drink'?

Don't go. I would really be annoyed at this. How self-centred.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/05/2017 09:11

I'd hate a surprise party.
If I was to be Guest of Honour I'd want to make sure that I was wearing something nice and didn't have three day old haie

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:11

What exactly is organised?

If it's a booked venue with food etc already done then it's more difficult.

But this seriously annoys the shit out of me. You've said you don't like it, so whose benefit is it for, really?

I wouldn't go!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/05/2017 09:11

hair

Goodythreeshoes · 07/05/2017 09:11

Oh, it's today

Instasista · 07/05/2017 09:11

But how can you refuse to go? OP let's go to the pub for a drink wink wink. OP: No!

She's going to sound bonkers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/05/2017 09:12

I'd be furious and letting them know.
Chic has it spot on.

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:12

And actually, it's not your fault at all if you don't go!

Whose job is it to get you there? Because if you didn't know about it and said "let's go to x" and you weren't in the mood, then you'd just say no and that'd be that!

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:13

And I would act the innocent and just shrug and say that you had been CLEAR that you didn't want a party so you didn't think for a minute that your GOOD FRIEND would organise something which would make for a pretty streeful day for you. So you had no idea. Shame but maybe they should have listened to you and been a better friend.

Fishface77 · 07/05/2017 09:14

I wouldn't be able to (in all good conscience) leave all those people waiting for me.
But I would see the lovely, kind, sweet friend differently. She's disregarded your wishes.
She'll say "see! I was right and you were wrong! I knew you would love it!" Credit takers who will bask in the glory of being the one to convince you that you were wrong and they were right.
I would get there early so no big "surprise" and jumping out because I would hate that.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 09:14

I'd have the shits.

Big, sloppy, yellow ones that smell of egg.

Rainydayzandmondays13 · 07/05/2017 09:14

I wouldn't go. Why be miserable just to please a few people who disregard your feelings anyway.

Go out and do something nice with your day

PurplePen · 07/05/2017 09:14

The intention of the organiser is not good.

The intention is "I know Rugger better than she knows herself. Despite her explicitly saying she doesn't want this, I'm going to go ahead anyway, as I think she's wrong and when she said no she actually meant yes".

It's all about them and they are selfish and bullish.

I wouldn't go.

KnockMeDown · 07/05/2017 09:15

Seeing as you explained that you didn't want it, and it's a surprise, so you know nothing about it, take yourself out for the day, and deny all knowledge.

Do you know the plan for getting you there? Do you have a DP or DH who is in cahoots?

SmallBee · 07/05/2017 09:15

I wouldn't go. I'd rather be a ' bitch '.
You made it crystal clear you didn’t want one and then they fucking went ahead and did it anyway. If anyone is a bitch here, it isn't you.
I'd pretend you have plans and post on Facebook, if you use it, how excited you are about them. If your fucking awful friend contacts you to confess then I'd just remind her ' but I told you a few weeks ago that would make me uncomfortable. It didn’t cross my mind you'd ignore me and do it anyway, surely you cancelled? '.

In short, fuck them.

TreeTop7 · 07/05/2017 09:15

There'll be a thread on here tomorrow from someone who went to a surprise party and is asking AIBU to be annoyed that the guest of honour wasn't there!

I would probably go, for the sake of well-meaning guests who'd organised childcare/booked taxis/rearranged shifts etc to be there. I understand why you're vexed though.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:15

How can you not go = by organising something else, and DOING IT, and only letting them know later.

They call to make a 'plan' for a drink.

You don't answer phone and go out.

You call them back later when you are out in town x miles away. 'Sorry I missed you! A drink you say? Oh, can we do it tomorrow? Last minute impulse decision here, I've come out to x and I'm not going to be back til 9 ish...'

Original poster
RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 09:16

Ok to explain a bit better in case it makes a difference. It's not so much the surprise element, it's a baby shower. I hate hate HATE them and always have. I'm meant to be picking up some baby bits today purely because they're heavily discounted but they're staying in boxes in DMs until baby arrives. I have never liked the idea of having everything set up in the house before or buying things before the child is safely here. (I know people have different opinions on this, that's just my one). I have always said that and organiser is my friend who is also pregnant and we have definitely discussed this so she is well aware.
She has booked somewhere for lunch where people are paying for their own so wouldn't be down money. The person who had to travel is already here.

OP posts:
RandomDent · 07/05/2017 09:16

If you think that you can't not go, could you just be really really late? Enough to make the organiser think?

Intransige · 07/05/2017 09:17

DH hates surprise parties too. But I organised a surprise dinner with a lot of his friends once and he actually really enjoyed himself (in my defence, I knew that the part he hated was being centre of attention, not large gatherings per se, and this was just a normal dinner at a restaurant).

As long as there isn't anything dire like speeches could you imagine having fun?

RandomDent · 07/05/2017 09:18

Oh missed your update. She wants one! Send a message telling the guests to give her the gifts instead. :o

Intransige · 07/05/2017 09:18

Oops cross post. Yes, I'd hate a baby shower too!

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:18

And YY to self-obsessed friend smirking her way through party receiving congrats for 'doing all this for Rugger' and making irritating comments along lines of 'See, I KNEW you'd love it!'

That alone would have me a hundred miles away as I am sure that at that point I'd land one on her Grin