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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse?

OP posts:

AlpacaPicnic · 07/05/2017 10:13

I don't think what guinnesgirl did sounds so awful. Presumably she knows her circle of friends and they know her and the mum to be, and had the option to join in or not.

snapcrap · 07/05/2017 10:14

And re OP's question, I would HATE a surprise party but no way would I not turn up if people had gone through all that effort. I'd probably try and stop it beforehand - politely - or at least tried to tailor it to what I'd want (e.g. a dinner rather than a party, low key jeans rather than party dress etc).

PunjanaTea · 07/05/2017 10:15

OP sometimes people mean well but get things wrong. But when someone is trying to do something nice for you it's a bit mean to throw it all back in their face.

Look at it as a lunch with friends, go and try and enjoy their company.

Goldfishjane · 07/05/2017 10:16

OP don't go
When did you find out?

One reason I dislike baby showers - among about 100! - is I think baby should be safely arrived before anyone does gifts and I would actually be really upset by this. It's a very insensitive thing to do.

My friend's DH organised a surprise party for her once and she ended up needing to be told or she'd have been at least two hours late. it woukd be easy to miss unless someone was put in charge of getting you there, so to speak.

Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 10:19

You cheeky article, guinessgirl! . I knew she liked gifts, though.... Well, don't we all?
That's gobsmacking off. Not much better than "leave your gift on the doorstep please, because although I like gifts and will haul in all I can, I don't actually want to see you".

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 07/05/2017 10:20

What a nightmare! Similar happened to me with a birthday. Person knew I loathed surprise parties but went ahead. Picture being 9 months pregnant, fallen asleep in oldest, scruffiest tracksuit only to be wakened on some dodgy excuse and dragged out into a room full of family and friends. I was so embarrassed and upset but had to suck it up for their sakes. Never again.

You don't have to go and your reason for not wanting baby things set up before baby is here makes complete sense. In the end it doesn't matter the reason- no should mean no, end of story. The only v tricky bit is friends/family who have turned up not knowing you'd hate the idea.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 10:20

The "friend" has NOT "made a mistake", she has expressly gone against the OP's oft-repeated wishes because she clearly thinks she knows better than the OP what the OP wants.

I fucking HATE this attitude. And I probably wouldn't go because this sort of thing would fuck me right off, so it would be far better for me not to go than to sit there looking like a black cloud because of having been coerced into something I did not want to do.

I had to have a stern talk to my own sister several years ago about this attitude - explain that, just because she likes surprises, balloons, singing waiters, OTT shit etc., doesn't mean everyone does (me and my Dad for e.g.) and that her foisting her choices on us is NOT a "nice thing to do" but actually really disrespectful of our feelings and rude.
She got the message.

metalmum15 · 07/05/2017 10:21

I do find surprise parties a bit strange. I would hate it. Df had one organised by her OH a couple of years ago. She was obviously trying to organise something for her birthday and was quite clearly hurt and disappointed when all of her closest friends made out they weren't free to celebrate with her. Personally, all the secrecy made me feel quite uncomfortable for a few weeks.

If you really don't want to go then don't, there's no point going if you're going to feel resentful as your other friends will pick up on the mood.

PunjanaTea · 07/05/2017 10:22

Friend who has organised is genuinely one of the nicest sweetest people who would normally never do anything that might upset someone, hence the dilemma.

in this case I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and either go along and find that she hasn't organised something you'd hate.

And even if she has organised something that isn't your ideal thing just go along with it rather than throwing an out of character mistake back in her face.

Rooberoobe · 07/05/2017 10:23

Is it a "baby shower" or a group of friends having a meet up before baby arrives? This makes a difference IMO.
I too hate the idea of a baby shower (I'm 36 weeks with second and if someone said they had organised one I'd hate it. I hate the games, being centre of attention, gifts etc. However I'd be very happy to meet up with a group of friends before baby arrived especially if made clear no gifts and no games!
I think in this situation I'd turn up stay a little while and then make an excuse to leave early.

SabineUndine · 07/05/2017 10:31

I'd cancel and make sure I was out of the way all day, phone switched off. Your friend hasn't done this for you, she's done it for herself, to show off.

CarlyBear · 07/05/2017 10:31

Yanbu to not show up. And ignore those saying you would be a bitch, you absolutely wouldn't be. Your 'friend' has ignored your wishes and gone ahead anyway, that's her problem and she needs to deal with the fall out.

Guinessgirl - that was incredibly rude of you to do that! It's almost like "friend doesn't want to see you, but she wants stuff anyway so give it to me and I'll enjoy the cakes with her alone'. I'm surprised you weren't told to get to fuck!

Lexilooo · 07/05/2017 10:31

I was going to say ruin the surprise but go and enjoy yourself. So get dressed up, blow out the plan to get you there because you are "busy" and be at the venue before anyone else.

However if it is a baby shower and you object to the concept it is more difficult.

With the gifts could you ask a close friend or relative to take any gifts for you pending safe arrival of the baby? I agree that baby presents shouldn't be given before baby arrives and never purchase baby things for a baby shower.

Beeziekn33ze · 07/05/2017 10:32

Just think of it as a lunch with friends. Tell the organiser how you feel afterwards. You could end up with all your friends having a gossipy bitchfest about you, don't give them the opportunity.

yomellamoHelly · 07/05/2017 10:33

Send everyone you know will be there a text explaining you've just found out and that you won't be there. Tell them you don't want to tempt fate if that's how you feel. Any reasonable person would understand. Also, if I'd attended a baby shower I would feel less inclined to visit / buy presents once the baby was here - so your friend is "robbing" you of that too by organising this.

helterskelter99 · 07/05/2017 10:40

Has it been switched to just lunch ? I would call up organiser and say if it's lunch ok but if there is a whiff of baby shower about it you will freak so no presents, games, cards etc

AppalazianWalzing · 07/05/2017 10:42

I was at a surprise baby shower a few years ago. I was v cautious because I hate the idea and am quite superstitious and the mother to be was from a similar background to me. We ambushed her in her house on her return from a yoga class- so she was sweaty and in leggings, and everyone else was in pretty dresses. I had suggested we ask the father to be if there was one big item they wanted and club together to get it, but was shot down because 'the whole point is to get to choose little cute babygrows.'

Essentially: unless they know the person involved will like it, people primarily want to do things like this for themselves, because it will be fun, or they'll get praise, or they refuse to think of another persons point of view.

If I were you, I'd ring the organiser up now and say 'I've just been told this but I don't believe it's possible, I don't understand how you could go against my wishes and upset me.' See what she says- it could be it is just lunch, and she's branding it a baby shower but has told people to bring presents. It would give enough time for her to contact everyone and tell them to leave presents at home, or cancel outright if that's what you want. They can always give you presents when baby is here. I'm assuming lunch with friends would be nice if they can cut everything else out. But don't feel you have to make an excuse, there may well be other attendees worried about your reaction like I was but feeling they have to go along with it.

SafeToCross · 07/05/2017 10:50

Ring her now. I fear that if you accept a casual lunch she will see it as you acquiesing. Ask her to reschedule the lunch for well after your due date. Some people think you are being coy, and need encouraging, so you will have to be blunt. But do remember that it comes from love. Make it like a family tradition - we don't give or accept gifts until after the birth.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 10:55

I wouldn't go.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 07/05/2017 10:56

If it were me, I would give this a massive swerve.

I hate baby showers with a passion. They drive me nuts.

Crickeycrumbsblimey · 07/05/2017 10:56

Don't go if you don't want to, absolutely no way!

You are not being a bitch by not going - you have said what you do not like and she has completely ignored you because she is so clever and knows better.

Fuck that.

Strangely I think grown women should be trusted when they said whether they want or don't want something and not have to be bloody crowd pleasers all the time!

GeekyWombat · 07/05/2017 10:57

I wouldn't go either.

What time is it supposed to happen OP? Are you meant to be meeting her for lunch?

stitchglitched · 07/05/2017 10:59

OnTheRise that is horrific. Sorry you were subjected to that

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 07/05/2017 11:04

I wouldn't go. Please phone your awful friend and find out a) what's actually going on and b) why she's decided she knows better than you.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2017 11:09

No no no just no.
I would hate this too. Any surprise party would kill me.
Friend is supposed to be a good friend and good friends do not go against your wishes and make you feel uncomfortable or pressurised to do something you hate. Its all about her. She the 'nice guy' doing this 'for you'. Nope she isn't.

I would be out for the day go to the cinema so phone would be off😀

You are not responsible for making your friends feel good about themselves when they have gone against your express wishes.

Never mind the whole baby showers are vile aspect and doing it in public is 100 times worse.

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