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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse?

OP posts:

balence49 · 07/05/2017 09:27

I'd be up and off out in the car for the day with a packed lunch and no phone. Go have a nice wander somewhere a drive away, don't come home until later on tonight.

I can't imagine anything worse than a baby shower, much rather have a day to myself!

ladymariner · 07/05/2017 09:27

Can totally understand how you feel, and I would be really pissed off with the 'friend' who organised it, but no way could I not go, knowing other people had made an effort and turned out on a Sunday just for me, when they could have been doing something at home with their own families.
I would go, enjoy seeing my friends and then have a quiet word with the organiser at a later date, making it clear how upset I was that she clearly didn't value our friendship enough to listen to me.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:28

And yes, if they've all just booked lunch somewhere then you aren't letting anyone down or wasting money! Be ill and let them get on with a nice boozy lunch.

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:28

It's 9.30 and everyone is local.
Plenty of time for a text from friend saying lunch is cancelled. Plenty of time to have a nice day with family.

NormaSmuff · 07/05/2017 09:28

i thought the op was going to go shopping today for discounted baby goods, that she was going to store at her mil's house? hence the suggestion of gifts being stored there/?

JaneEyre70 · 07/05/2017 09:28

I'd go but I'd also make it damned clear that I was there because I had to be! I hate baby showers, they are so tacky and pointless - I'm cringeing on your behalf. And I'd be very seriously questioning my friendship with this person...........

RedJubbly · 07/05/2017 09:28

Big, sloppy, yellow ones that smell of egg

I woke up this morning feeling ever so slightly off-colour and a little bit nauseous. I commented to DH 'Oh well, it will either get better or it will get worse.'

It just got worse.

usernamealreadytaken · 07/05/2017 09:29

Hope you feel better soon red

Leeds2 · 07/05/2017 09:30

I absolutely wouldn't go. Your friend knew you didn't want a baby shower and has gone ahead and organised one anyway. I think that is a horrible thing to do, and completely disregards what you have said you want/don't want.

ClashCityRocker · 07/05/2017 09:31

Well, if no one's going to be out of pocket, I wouldn't go either. You've made your feelings clear.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/05/2017 09:31

A baby shower where everyone was paying for their own lunch I would definitely not go to if i didn't want to, it's only sunday lunch, people can still have it and give you a gift after baby is born.

BUT is there a chance she wants to do something nice for you and has taken on board what you said so just has arranged a lunch in the pub, no presents or decorations or games or anything just a lunch out before baby comes, that wouldn't be so bad would it?

Crunchymum · 07/05/2017 09:33

God your 'friend' is a dick. How bloody rude of her. I wouldn't go out of principle.

Someone at work tried to do this for me (surprise baby shower). It got to the stage of a few emails being sent to several colleagues to decide venue before my lovely work friend looped me in and I was able to tell the organiser to leave me the fuck alone

They did manage a surprise lunch the day before I went off with my second. I didn't know until the day and was furious. I was 38w, I had worked FT my whole pregnancy, I had a 2yo at home and the last thing I wanted was for a company wide lunch. Yep it was for about 40 people. I went and moaned the whole way through as I didn't really have an excuse.

Stand your ground OP

Crunchymum · 07/05/2017 09:35

Although OP, whoever told you should have done so days ago?

Oblomov17 · 07/05/2017 09:35

I can't believe all the posters who wouldn't go.
Dh and I went to a surprise party last year. What about all the guests who had hired babysitters, travelled?

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 07/05/2017 09:36

She's not a good friend if she has deliberately gone against your wishes. I wouldn't go. Put your feet up and have a nice restful Sunday!

FlyingElbows · 07/05/2017 09:36

I will never understand why so many mnetters advocate inventing scenarios and lying over simply telling the truth. Op just phone your friend and tell her that you do not want this and won't be attending. It's not "doing something nice" if it makes you feel uncomfortable and you are under no obligation to do something purely because it's what someone else wants. Send a group text to everyone else explaining the same thing and then get on with the day you planned.

Donna2tellaM0ss · 07/05/2017 09:37

I was thinking if it was a case of showing up somewhere and enduring 'surprise!!' for a few minutes/ half hour, then fine. But baby showers are different if you really don't want them, and I totally get that feeling.

As you already have plans for today, just stick to them. I wouldn't lie about it, just ignore relevant calls on your phone. You made yourself clear,and good friends will understand and respect that.

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:37

Sigh.

It's Sunday lunch and everyone is local.

Very easy to cancel. Plenty of time to cancel.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2017 09:41

I would go because it's not the guests' fault and they will have turned up in good faith. I had similar for my 30th birthday. I gritted my teeth and pretended to enjoy it but I was pissed off.

Iamastonished · 07/05/2017 09:41

ChicRock is spot on. I would be inclined to tell my friend that I had found out, and since I had expressly asked her not to do this, I wouldn't be turning up.

tigerdriverII · 07/05/2017 09:42

Good grief, certainly don't go. What a dick of a friend!

As for letting down the other guests : so what, they can have a nice lunch if they go, and can save the baby presents for, y'know, the actual arrival of the baby : just like people did before baby showers were a thing.

Nonibaloni · 07/05/2017 09:42

Also don't feel responsible for the guests. The organiser should feel responsible for the lost family days and inconveniences.

It's a common thing amongst women to take responsibility for things which are not of their own doing. I speak as someone laundering all a relatives curtains because a third person organised decorating.

AhYerWill · 07/05/2017 09:42

It doesn't sound like you'll be massively putting anyone out (bar the organiser) by not going/cancelling. I'd either go AWOL and be uncontactable around the time it's due to happen, or develop a sudden illness that means you can't leave the house for the day.

Fuck being polite, it's way more rude to strongarm you into doing something you've expressly said you don't want to.

drquin · 07/05/2017 09:42

I think the easy answer now is to feign illness ..... nothing major, D&V / headache / sore back. If it's little more than a meal, then no-one is massively put out. Any presents will keep until others see you in their own time.

I'm organising a baby shower for a new friend .... she's new to the area, from somewhere (!) baby showers are much more the "done thing", yet I explicitly checked with her that this is something she'd want. If she'd said "oh lovely of you to think of me, but no, that's not my sort of thing", I'd have done nothing more about it.

rightwhine · 07/05/2017 09:43

Tell your friend you know and you are not happy about it at all, tell her you are happy to go for lunch but want absolutely no presents or anything baby shower like, and that you will be upset if it turns that way. They can save presents till the baby arrives.

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