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Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustHappy3 · 07/05/2017 09:44

I think it being a baby shower is very significant. I think i'd grit my teeth for a birthday party - but pregnancy is such an emotional time it seems very cruel, thoughtless and lacking in empathy of the friend.
If you're worrying or feeling stressed then that's not good for the baby. So your friend is putting your baby at risk. Stuff her.
Do you have a DP who can take on the role of tough guy and politely but firmly make it clear you're not attending.
She's not being a good friend.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 09:44

Oh Christ I'd hate this Sad

I'd definitely say that I wasn't feeling well. Spend today doing what had planned to do and if the organiser asks just tell them that you knew about the baby shower, that you had already explained that you hate them and wanted to allow the organiser to save face.

rightwhine · 07/05/2017 09:44

Posted too soon. Then tell her to ring everyone and make sure thy are all on board with this.

NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheySayIamparanoid · 07/05/2017 09:48

I've always hated the idea of a surprise party and told people that!

When it was my 40th, a few people tried to get my DC to organise one for me, they just said
'No, she'll figure it out and not turn up'
That's what I'd always told them, and they knew I meant it!

guinnessgirl · 07/05/2017 09:50

I have a friend who, when she was pregnant, made it clear that she wouldn't like a baby shower because she hates being the centre of attention in a big group and would be very uncomfortable in this situation. I knew that she liked gifts, though, and was preparing for baby. So I arranged for everyone who would have attended a baby shower to send a gift for her to me, and then I quietly arranged a low key afternoon for the two of us where I presented her with all the gifts and made some nice cakes etc for us to enjoy together. She loved it. I did this because I love her and because I knew her well enough to know that it was the "centre of attention" thing that bothered her.

Your "friend" sounds like she doesn't know you very well or doesn't really care about your feelings. I think you'd be well within your rights to sack it off and be "ill".

OnTheRise · 07/05/2017 09:50

Years ago I worked somewhere where people tended to organise strippergrams for leaving parties. I made it clear I hated them and didn't want one (I was sexually abused as a child and they made me feel really frightened) but they still went ahead and arranged one for me when I left. I still remember how frozen and terrified and awful I felt at the time. I couldn't say no because I was frozen. I just sat there and let it all happen and had flashbacks for years. Just typing this now makes me feel anxious and ashamed.

You've made it clear you don't like surprise parties, and don't want one.

You've made it clear you don't like baby showers, and don't want one.

Whoever has organised this baby shower knows your feelings, and has still gone ahead with it. This is not something a friend would do. It is manipulative and unpleasant.

You are under no obligation to go. You know that if you do go, you'll not enjoy yourself.

You don't even have to tell them you're not going. But in your place I would probably text the person who has arranged it, and say that you've found out, you have always said you didn't want this, and you will not be coming. And then refuse to answer your phone or the door until you're sure it won't be them.

WateryTart · 07/05/2017 09:50

Baby showers are awful and grabby. Go out somewhere for the day.

LadyPW · 07/05/2017 09:53

Ignore the people saying your obligated to go. You're really not. It's the same emotional blackmail style of thinking your ' friend ' is relying on to get and keep you there.
This ^^ totally

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/05/2017 09:57

Ontherise that is awful!!

Guinness girl that is awful too but for very different reasons Shock wtf?? You asked other people for presents for you to give to your friend?? There definitely has to have been a thread about that batshit behaviour 😂

GiraffesAndButterflies · 07/05/2017 09:57

Is there any chance that people have got you vouchers and your friend has just organised a meal out? In other words that she might have taken your comments on board and attempted to organise just the bits of a baby shower that you would enjoy?

(Disclaimer: I'm not the friend Grin )

RadarLoveBug · 07/05/2017 09:57

I'm sorry but yes I'd think you were a total bitch. If as you say the friend is normally a good one then she's made a mistake. To not show up to make a point is just horrid. If you're happy to end the friendship over this then don't go. People who care about you and your baby have taken time to come and celebrate with you. You will need a support network once the baby is here ad these people sound like it. If not and you want to chuck it all back them go ahead but I wouldn't expect much once the baby arrives.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 07/05/2017 09:57

Your poor thing. Surprise parties are bad enough - I'm another person who has been very open about her dislike of them . But a surprise baby shower is another level of horror. Baby showers are grabby and tacky in the first place, and I'm absolutely with you in having the minimum in the house before the baby is born.

If I ruled the world, the insensitive organiser would be the one who got the social opprobrium but sadly, in reality, it would be you. It's emotional blackmail and makes me shudder.

I think you need to be ill.

RubbishMantra · 07/05/2017 09:58

You expressed your wishes, yet they were ignored.

It would be hilarious not to go, and them all waiting and hiding behind stuff to leap out yelling SURPRISE! for an hour. Perhaps longer even.

rightwhine · 07/05/2017 09:59

guinessgirl I think that's awful. Not for your friend but for all the other friends. "No you can't come to a baby shower but spend loads on a present for her*

MadMags · 07/05/2017 10:02

No. She wouldn't be a bitch. Hmm

Guinness sorry but that is batshit. I'd be sending you on your way with that request! Grin

virtualinsanity · 07/05/2017 10:04

Do not go! Sometime you have to put yourself first and when pregnant is exactly that time.

Don't overthink it or make up excuses. I would text a breezy "Sorry I won't be able to come to lunch today. Hope you all have fun Smile" (or better send it to a group whatsapp chat if you all have one) then turn off your phone and go out or lock yourself in the house with front curtains shut/phone off and relax.

If you were only told it was a group lunch they can't be annoyed at a heavily pregnant woman cancelling. You might have shocking heartburn or just be too bloody tired. Don't feel bad about the other friends that's the organisers fault and only she should feel guilty.

Dowser · 07/05/2017 10:05

Guinness girl
Sorry but I find that so weird.
What's wrong with turning up with a gift to see the new baby.
Like we did in the olden days.

Giving a gift beforehand and not even to the new mother!

Sorry but that's just daft!

virtualinsanity · 07/05/2017 10:07

Please ignore those saying you would be a bitch not to go. That's utter nonsense. You made it clear to everyone that you didn't want this. They can have a nice girls lunch and save the presents for once baby arrives. You have no obligation to anyone. And perhaps Mrs I-know-best will think twice next time she thinks about pulling this sort of stunt on someone.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 07/05/2017 10:09

guinnessgirl you did what???
WTF

MrsPeelyWaly · 07/05/2017 10:10

Dh and I went to a surprise party last year. What about all the guests who had hired babysitters, travelled

Thats nothing to do with the GOH and the event can still go ahead without them anyway.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/05/2017 10:11

Rugger, I wouldn't bother if I were you, some friend !
To me, a baby shower is different to an arranged surprise party, where perhaps, there could be a lot of disappointed people, who'd made a particular effort, or travelled over.
Your friend made her own choice on the matter, regardless of your total disinterest. Let her party on !

MrsPeelyWaly · 07/05/2017 10:11

OP, I understand what you mean about not wanting baby things in the house beforehand. As a family we don't like it either.

snapcrap · 07/05/2017 10:12

Baby showers are the grabbiest, cringeyist events in the known universe. Guinnessgirl, I get that you did a thoughtful thing for your friend but to ask for presents before a baby comes is just sooooooo weird. I'd have replied to you 'I'll buy her a gift when the baby's here thanks'.