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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse?

OP posts:

Bishybarnybee · 07/05/2017 09:18

That is really tough. Have you rung the person and told them how unhappy you are?

mumtomaxwell · 07/05/2017 09:18

A lot of people have gone to a lot of effort (and time and expense) on your behalf! How you could even contemplate letting them all down is beyond me - how further up your own arse can you get? YABVVVU!

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 09:19

It's not as simple as saying she didn't know. Whomever is responsible for getting her there would ultimately worst case have to ruin the surprise to get her attendance, as such, everyone will know they travelled to a party for her and she deliberately chose to not turn up.

She can do it of course if she doesn't care about the people who have attended for her. Personally I'd tell the organiser I knew and was coming but not to have the daft surprise element going on.

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:20

Well then you definitely don't have to go.

Let them go and it can be her shower.

Better yet, a table for lunch is easily cancelled.

And if you're pregnant it's even easier not to go!

Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 09:20

The organiser is also pregnant? . Let her crack on and have the party in her own honour, then.

usernamealreadytaken · 07/05/2017 09:20

Would you ordinarily like a party, if it wasn't a surprise? Is this a landmark birthday or occasion? DH hates parties, and would despise a surprise one. However, for his landmark bday I gathered thirty of his close family and friends (Mil and SIL live nearly 300 miles away and we see them rarely, DDs and BFs live 250 miles away (we see DFs a couple of times a year)) for a meal at a lovely restaurant in town, as a surprise. He was overwhelmed and loved it; he loved seeing his DM and DSIS unexpectedly and because it was a sit down meal there was no hint of the party he would have hated.

Could you bear it for just today, and try to enjoy being surrounded by those who love you and want to spend this special time with you - pretend to yourself it's not a surprise as you already know, and after the initial 'reveal' just enjoy a nice afternoon with your nearest and dearest?

Sorry for your quandary, and congratulations for your occasion

exLtEveDallas · 07/05/2017 09:20

I have never liked the idea of having everything set up in the house before or buying things before the child is safely here

Ooh nor me. I'm not generally superstitious, but didn't have a single thing in the house before DD was born. I just couldnt So weird how our brains 'play us' when pregnant

PurplePen · 07/05/2017 09:20

Your friend might be a MNetter as I remember a thread a few months ago from someone who was asking if she was unreasonable to do exactly this (plough ahead with arranging a baby shower) despite her friend saying she dislikes them.

She got loads of replies saying no don't do it, with the usual handful of dickheads egging her on, like she knew the friend better than the friend knew herself, and the friend would love it once she was there.

I still wouldn't go.

Original poster

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 09:21

Her baby shower is already organised(by someone else) so def not a case of she's sorting one to get one back!

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 07/05/2017 09:22

Rugger, do other people know that you know?

AlpacaPicnic · 07/05/2017 09:22

This is my absolute nightmare. My ILs have a 'thing' for surprise parties, and meals out where you turn up and 'shockers!' Everyone else is there. The only saving grace is that because they do it for every significant birthday, it's really easy to guess that they're planning it.
DH was 40 a couple of years back and I primed him in advance that a 'surprise' meal was advanced. He'd guessed anyway.
My birthday this year is also that big 40, and if he starts acting out of character and suggesting anything other than a takeaway I'll be very suspicious...

If you can bear it, then it might not be so bad now that you are braced for it. But I wouldn't blame you for developing a case of the shits to get out of it...

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:22

Nobody's gone to effort and expense!

It's a table for lunch. Easily cancelled.

NormaSmuff · 07/05/2017 09:22

it would be bad not to go
bad and ungrateful,

NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyGinnamon · 07/05/2017 09:23

Go. Be horrified and insist everyone takes their gifts back with them.

Or run out in tears howling that they might have jinxed your baby. Then she might get the message.

AlternativeTentacle · 07/05/2017 09:23

She has booked somewhere for lunch where people are paying for their own so wouldn't be down money.

'Sorry, can't make lunch today as not at all well. Hope you all have a good one. x'

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 09:23

Oh x-posts.

Oops I think I'd be even more upset about that.

Some people feel really strongly about not having baby stuff in the house before the baby is here. And riding roughshod over someone's feelings about pregnancy/baby stuff WHEN THEY ARE PREGNANT is really really not a nice thing to do.

So - they have all booked lunch and are going to be giving you baby things? Is it near to your DMs and she will be there?

I would pull out saying you can't make it over today as you feel unwell. She will confess and you can give her the long silence on the phone (sorry but I think this is a really insensitive thing to do) and then say you would obviously appreciate the gifts but as said before - you do not like the idea of a baby shower and you'd made that clear, so it's a good thing you weren't ambushed with this.

Tell them to have a lovely lunch and you'll definitely organise a get together along the same lines AFTER THE BABY IS BORN.

Stupid friend!

frieda909 · 07/05/2017 09:23

Oh god I hate baby showers too and would be so embarrassed if someone threw one for me. All my friends know how I feel about them, so if they opted to throw one anyway I'd feel like it was all about them rather than me.

A few years ago one of my close friends was leaving town under very difficult circumstances, and another group of friends (who weren't even as close to her) insisted on throwing her a surprise leaving party. I tried SO many times to tell them not to do it - she wasn't exactly happy about her situation and definitely didn't want to 'celebrate' with a bunch of casual acquaintances. They went ahead anyway and it was absolutely awful. My poor friend had the worst night imaginable and everyone else got to feel smug about how awesome they were for throwing her a party

happypoobum · 07/05/2017 09:23

Oh no, I would not go in that case.

Just go to the cinema and turn your phone off.

I would be furious actually, your friend categorically knows you don't want it but is riding roughshod over your feelings to justify her own choices.

usernamealreadytaken · 07/05/2017 09:24

Ah, crossed post. Sorry for your discomfort, it's going to be a hard day. You could be ill, PG related, and apologise profusely about how disappointed you are not to be able to make it, "I'm soooo gutted but please eat cake and play games without me; I'd hate for you all to miss your fun"!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/05/2017 09:24

I'd be so pissed off that my wishes had been disregarded I'd probably sit there with a face like a slapped arse if I was persuaded to attend despite not really wanting to go.

I couldn't pretend to be happy do it'd be best not to go ( if it was me)

SmallBee · 07/05/2017 09:24

Ignore the people saying your obligated to go. You're really not. It's the same emotional blackmail style of thinking your ' friend ' is relying on to get and keep you there.

NormaSmuff · 07/05/2017 09:25

store the gifts at your mother in law's house where you were going to store the things you bought.

MadMags · 07/05/2017 09:26

Norma, she doesn't want to accept gifts until her baby is here safely, and she's not obligated to.

Nonibaloni · 07/05/2017 09:26

Pregnancy is a great excuse. There's a hundred things that mean you can't leave the house today. And if she fesses up you are entitled to say you never wanted a baby shower!

I say this as someone who sat at her 30th birthday party with pneumonia and just off nightshift. I obviously wanted to stay on the couch under a blanket but instead I sat in a freezing restaurant sipping water then in noisy pub. It was completely ridiculous and tore strips off everyone involved later. But I should have not gone in the first place.

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