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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
MadMags · 08/05/2017 10:42

Rugger no problem Smile

diddl · 08/05/2017 11:26

" I only found out yesterday that it was still going ahead "

Are any of these people actually your friends??

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 12:04

Well, I'd say the one who gave her the heads up that it was still going ahead is definitely a friend, wouldn't you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 12:08

And again - if the OP had turned up, and been presented with all these gifts, you can bet your life at least one person (mentioning no names Organiserofparty ) would have insisted that she open her gift at least, so she could see her reaction. And then it would have been rude not to open all the others. And the OP would have been in exactly the situation she didn't want to be, seeing gifts for a baby that isn't safely here yet.

I'm getting irate about this now because a very dear friend of mine lost her baby very late on, and seeing all the stuff at home that they already had was torture for them. Next time around, they had nothing - just in case. And I said I wouldn't say it, but I have. :(

Rugger - I am sorry that this has happened and I hope that the rest of your pregnancy is plain sailing for you, with an uncomplicated safe birth and delivery Thanks

BishopBrennansArse · 08/05/2017 12:12

Would it be possible for your mum to look after the gifts for you too, OP?

RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 12:41

Thumb thank you. Have some issues which should be okay hopefully since we know about them in advance but still nervous. And have had MC in the past. Not a late one but still. DM was who 'let it slip' about what was happening in advance, she wasn't asked and didn't know what was really happening (was also under the impression plans had been stopped). Gifts are in hers (along with the cake made of nappies...).

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 12:53

Wow! So your friend thought she could rock up to your mum's with a bunch of people to throw you a party that only she wanted? Thats incredibly selfish of her. And she didn't even invite your mum😲
I would be rethinking the friendship.

RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 13:06

Original plan did involve asking DM (and MIL!)but was shot down. Going to DMs was a last minute change of venue idea thrown out when I said I would be heading there yesterday.

OP posts:
frieda909 · 08/05/2017 13:56

Punjana, I feel anxious a lot of the time too and also just 'get on with things', but I also recognise that it isn't that easy for some people. I think it is quite insensitive and not very compassionate of you to suggest that everyone else can just 'get on with it' because you can.

I have friends with very severe social anxiety for whom a surprise party would be their worst nightmare come true and probably trigger a serious panic attack necessitating a day off work to recover afterwards. Asking people to just suck it up in those circumstances to keep others happy is really unfair.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 14:13

I think you've handled it very well - there was little choice but to 'accept' the gifts once your 'friend' had collected them up from everyone and put them in your mother's house. You can make it clear you wont be opening them until after the baby has arrived (is your Mum happy to store it all?), but that you are still grateful that they made the effort for you.

That also gives them a chance to say "oh, I know you wouldn't want anything for the baby before it arrives so I've bought something that's for you" so you can open it early. (I also don't like giving baby gifts for a baby that hasnt arrived safely, so if I'm going to a babyshower without a list I'll pick something pampering for the mum for that last bit of pregnancy where you feel like a particularly frumpy beached whale.)

oh and you are in good company BTW - the Queen insisted that the pram and baby stuff for each of her pregnancies were stored elsewhere and only arrived once the babies were delivered safely. (And had all hers as home births!)

1bighappyfamily · 08/05/2017 14:25

Rugger your friend is even more of an idiot if she knows ANY of that. That is exactly why I didn't want anything in the house either.

Best of luck to you. Hope it all goes well. Thanks

Thumb Flowers for your friend too. That would be my worst nightmare.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 14:47

Mine too, 1big - I don't know how anyone who goes through that even manages to try again, tbh. Thank you for your kind wishes. x

jocarter67 · 08/05/2017 17:45

I am in the same position, all my family and friends and my husband know that I would be completely mortified if they did this for me but I am getting the feeling that someone is planning it. I have spoken to my DH and DCs and pleaded with them to not let this happen. I have now booked an evening out with close family on my big birthday. I don't mean to be ungrateful at all I really don't, but I am in a wheelchair and very often people who are not in wheelchairs don't realise how difficult it can be going out. Good luck to you xx

Goldfishjane · 08/05/2017 17:52

OP nicely done
All good wishes to you Flowers

pollymere · 08/05/2017 18:00

I'm always in two minds on this. If I was told to dress up for a meal and then found out all were there, I'd probably be OK. Coming home shattered with unwashed hair to find my house full of people, definite no no. If you're the sort of person who struggles with parties, I'd find myself unable to attend due to a former engagement...

Madwoman5 · 08/05/2017 18:32

It is one night out of your life. You have plenty more. Your friend has gone to a lot of trouble. Suck it up and be thankful you have friends that care enough to attend your celebration

Tigernoodles81 · 08/05/2017 18:37

Don't go! I also hate surprises and made my husband cancel a surprise 30th dinner he's organised for me because I would've hated it! I also warned all friends that if anyone even considered a baby shower I wouldn't come. Bloody waste of time and effort and self indulgent shit. Been to a few and they were dreadful, enforced fun and the GOH can't even have a glass of wine!!!!

Hulababy · 08/05/2017 18:42

But the friend had gone to a lot of trouble FOR HER OWN BENEFIT. It wasn't for the OPs benefit as the OP had already said many times she did not want a baby shower at all. The friend thought she knew how the OP would feel better than the OP herself. Well guess what? She didn't.

Why should the OP endure something she really didn't want to do?
Why does the so called friends feeling matter more than the OPs feelings?

I'd hate a surprise party. I wouldn't have a party for myself full stop as hate being centre of attention in that way. A surprise party would be horrid for me. And I'd hate a baby shower too, so a surprise baby shower bottle would not be a pleasant thing for me at all.

What was the OP supposed to do with the idts once he original friend had gathered them up and delivered them to the OP? Just refuse and offend people further? Or do what she did - take them to her mums, leave them wrapped, tell people 'thank you, ill open them when baby (and hopefully you) are here, and go home. The latter seems the best option to me.

Hulababy · 08/05/2017 18:43

Madwoman - if only the friends had cared that little bit more, and not out the OP in a difficult position.

MadMags · 08/05/2017 18:45

RTFT! It was yesterday. She didn't go.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 18:46

There are some people who genuinely can't imagine that anyone could possibly not enjoy the same things as them. If they would love a baby shower, then everyone would. If they would enjoy a big party, or a day at the races, or hiring a big limo for a hen do, or anything of a million other things, then they genuinely can't comprehend you mean it when you say you don't want that thing.

They often think the bit you'd hate is the organising, or spending your money on it, or they think you'd secretly like it but don't want to seem grabby, or while you think you'll hate it, you'll actually enjoy it once you get there... They just can't accept that someone could not like something they do.

It does sound like your friend who organised this baby shower is like this. It's very hard to get through to people like this because they think they are doing a nice thing, and can't see that if you would hate it, it's not a nice thing to do. Hinting or politeness rarely works - you have to be brutally honest.

Alternatively, she's the sort who wants to be seen to be a good friend rather than trying to be a good friend. So even though she does accept you'd hate a baby shower and the previous MC/supersition about gifts for a baby that's not safely here yet, her need to be seen to be a kind friend is more important than your feelings. If shes one of these people, she doesn't really care about your feelings, and wasn't actually trying to do a nice thing for you, it was an ego boost for her.

She's your friend, so you'll probably know which of the above type she is. If it's the first, then you have to spell it out to her that other people have different opinions and like different things to her, and she needs to stop and think about what other people will like, not just what would she like.

If she's the second type, just start exiting her from your life, she's just using you as a supporting act to her staring role.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 19:01

Madonna
OP told friend she catagorucaly did not want a baby shower or presents for very clear reasons.
Friend did it all just to be seen to be her bff. She didn't consider op at all.

Why should someone suck up something they hate and do not want to see just to please someone who is not considering your feelings at all.

That's not a friend that's a person who is screaming "look at me aren't I amazing" "look what I did why is nobody going along with me on this?"

Goldfishjane · 08/05/2017 19:04

Cancel the cheque godammit!!

Goldfishjane · 08/05/2017 19:05

Invisible "There are some people who genuinely can't imagine that anyone could possibly not enjoy the same things as them. If they would love a baby shower, then everyone would. If they would enjoy a big party, or a day at the races, or hiring a big limo for a hen do, or anything of a million other things, then they genuinely can't comprehend you mean it when you say you don't want that thing"

Someone who can't see other points of view? Doesn't sound like friend material....

QueenofPentacles · 08/05/2017 19:10

God I wish someone would give me a surprise party!
Shall I go instead?
That really would be surprise.

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