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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you feel guilty about being well off?

202 replies

twittertwit · 05/05/2017 14:36

Inspired by the thread about big houses. Growing inequality within developed societies is becoming a global issue and was arguably a key factor in Brexit and the election of Trump etc

Many of us have more than we need, much more than others. I say I believe in societal inequality - and I sincerely believe that I do - but apart from reasonable donations to charity and votes for the left of centre candidates (Green, in my case) I'm not really doing anything to disrupt the status quo.

I'm well off, partly because I've worked hard, but mostly (if I'm honest) because I'm lucky and I feel guilty about it.

AIBU? Or is greed just a fundamental part of human nature?

OP posts:
Onceuponatime21 · 05/05/2017 18:06

No guilt, but gratitude that I was born into a loving family, in a stable and secure country, and that I am reasonably intelligent. None of those advantages was of my causing and I acknowledge that. I have worked hard to make the best of them.

I give back to my community through volunteering in several roles, in addition to working 4 days a week. (Only say that because it irritates me how many people are too busy to volunteer. Pfft.)

No guilt, but plenty of gratitude for my luck.

MsJamieFraser · 05/05/2017 18:25

No I don't, I've worked incredibly hard to get where I am today, I grew up piss poor, and now I am financially stable.

I stopped being a social worker (CP) when my child had a horrific accident and then worked in bars and clubs to take the pressure of me while dh and I retrained into our new professions.
We then heavily invested in development and now don't have any money issues now. (We are mortgage free)

KillDora · 05/05/2017 18:35

I'm very much at the other end of the spectrum.

I don't want anyone to feel guilty for having more than me, though sometimes I wish some would acknowledge that not all hard work is rewarded with a lot of money.

Also that someone not having an education is not something to sneer at but can very often be because of different circumstances and opportunities.

Marylou2 · 05/05/2017 18:49

Not at all. I paid my dues working in the NHS and then I escaped into the pharmaceutical industry. It's money for old rope compared to nursing as far as I'm concerned but it certainly doesn't suit everyone.

SquidgeyMidgey · 05/05/2017 18:52

In short, no. DH earns a good rate whereas I, as a teacher, don't but on balance we're ok financially. DH left school at 16 to take an apprenticeship and has worked his socks off, still does. Financially we support my retired mum and help ILs, we give a chunk to charities by DD each month. In the 16 years we've been together DH has never worked less than 60 hours a week and trains on new stuff on top of those hours. If we were lottery winners of feel guilty but DH earns every penny, so I don't.

PNGirl · 05/05/2017 18:53

No. I've survived several rounds of redundancies so I'm all too aware my very reasonable mortgage could become difficult to pay overnight. I don't feel guilty for stashing cash away for this eventuality and therefore having some savings although I know many can't save.

bungaloid · 05/05/2017 18:56

"I've worked hard for my lot", said everyone everywhere. I suppose it is probably harder to be successful by doing no work, but where are all the averagely hard workers?

EatsShitAndLeaves · 05/05/2017 18:57

Great post Kill

Ktown · 05/05/2017 19:05

I don't feel guilty. but I acknowledge it is more to do with being born into a healthy stable family, also with money, and marrying someone from a stable family who has money.
It is good fortune with good emotional intelligence.
I work hard and long hours but no more than anyone else I know.

DontBeASalmon · 05/05/2017 19:05

When you know how incredibly wealthy some people are, I don't see why anyone should feel guilty of being "well off".

littlepooch · 05/05/2017 19:09

No. But I am grateful that we don't need to worry where our next meal is coming from, or how to pay our bills and that we can have little luxuries.

It has been on my mind recently because DHs family in particular struggle with it. They are always make snide comments about us and our lifestyle. But they don't see how hard we both work, the sacrifices we have had to make down the line. None of them really work or studied at school and got qualifications unlike DH and I who both worked (And still work) really hard.

hanahsaunt · 05/05/2017 19:10

I don't feel guilty partly because we both work in the public sector. But I do feel a huge sense of responsibility which does influence my actions.

CPtart · 05/05/2017 19:14

We're fairly well off. But both came from working class backgrounds, were pushed hard, got degrees and decent jobs. Most of my money however came through an unexpected inheritance in tragic circumstances. If I could turn the clock back six months, reverse those circumstances and have much less money then I would. Life has been very cruel to me and mine recently so no, I don't feel guilty.

cocodurands · 05/05/2017 19:50

I do feel slightly uncomfortable/sad that my child will probably have a better future than a poor child regardless of how intelligent that child is because social mobility is decreasing, rising house prices, less school places etc. I grew up believing that hard work and intelligence could get you where you needed to be. I no longer believe that now.

tinypop4 · 06/05/2017 07:42

I don't feel guilty. We have worked very hard to be comfortable. We do not live frivolously and we save carefully.

Bluegrass · 06/05/2017 08:29

People always bang on about "working hard", presumably as in their mind this means their wealth and success is more justified in comparison to people who don't earn very much at all.

I could say I work hard too, but when I'm sitting with a flat white and my laptop in a beautiful architect designed office mulling over the wording of an email am I working any harder than the people pushing the carts around scrubbing the bathrooms clean, or the nurses cleaning up vomit in the hospital nearby?

Bollocks am I! I earn a lot more as I've been very lucky. I had a stable loving home, parents who supported me through higher education, and I've got a half decent brain. I'm not going to pretend I'm a harder worker than they are though.

Bluegrass · 06/05/2017 08:32

(And to be clear my half decent brain just means that with training I was able to do my job, I don't doubt that many people earning less have brains just as good or better!)

DontBeASalmon · 06/05/2017 08:41

I don't think it's about working hardER than others, but some of us have put the hours - talking about people around me. We've done the ridiculous hours, in the office by 7:30am not leaving until after 10pm, working from home evenings and weekends, taken crap from horrible bosses, we've done the stressful presentations (not everyone is that comfortable with "public" speaking).
I am in no way comparing my work experience with a nurse, a soldier or anyone, just saying that I did work hard, so not feeling an ounce of guilt. It doesn't mean that my job is anywhere near as difficult as others.

Softkitty2 · 06/05/2017 09:38

Interesting thread. Quite glad that people are now saying/realising that hardwork does not = money.
In my career if I wanted more money I would be doing 'less' work.

I am comfortable now but aspire to have more. Is that being greedy or ambitious? I want more now so I can retire at a reasonable age, be mortgage free, help the children and not worry about money.

RebelandaStunner · 06/05/2017 09:38

It's about making any spare money work hard.

We now have several income streams beside jobs- rental income, profit from own business, dividends, capital gains on our properties and a bit of interest on savings.
Some of that we don't have to work for.
Eg; If one of our houses was £100k to buy and now worth £150k, we have done nothing but maintain it. Not going to claim hard work for that.

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2017 09:45

Neither myself or DH really work hard but we are high earners.
However, it's taken quite a few years for us to gain the necessary skills and experience to get where we are.
I make sure that my dc know that people work far harder than we do for less money but although our jobs aren't " important" in terms of saving lives etc we DO make the businesses we work for more profitable so in those terms we ARE worth what we are paid.

jacks11 · 06/05/2017 09:58

No, not really.

We are comfortably off (I wouldn't say very wealthy). Live in a nice house, bills paid comfortably and can do most of the things we want to do. I work hard but do a job I (mostly) enjoy. But I have also had to work very hard to get where I am, although recognise I have also been lucky too. My family are loving and supportive, have always encouraged me to do well at school and through university. I went to a reasonable school and my parents valued education. My parents (and extended family) have been able to provide advice and support when I've needed it which has helped me make good decisions (and help me work things out when I haven't). However, my brother had all of the same opportunities and has not made the most of them, so it can't all be down to luck.

But why would I feel guilty about being financially secure?

WayfaringStranger · 06/05/2017 10:30

I'm not well off and we struggle in some areas but I recognise that we are doing ok compared to many. I feel guilty, for example, that I will be taking my children out for pizza tonight when some people worry about having enough bread and milk for theirs.

I find it utterly strange that many people have confidently said they feel no guilt and I find that a very unempathetic line to take. I am an adult social worker and when I go into homes of very poor people, I do feel guilt for what I have and that I complain about heating costs when they don't have any heating at all. I feel tremendous guilt when I go into care homes and see the care workers who day-to-day probably do work a lot harder for me despite significantly less pay. Yes, I work hard and yes, I've overcome a lot in my life but so have other people and I feel guilty that I live and work beside people who struggle so much.

ToastDemon · 06/05/2017 10:33

I don't feel either well or badly off compared to other people, and don't really think about it - until I go home to a third-world country.
Then I suddenly feel immensely well-off and privileged, and it's gut-wrenching. I feel guilt, sadness, frustration at how unequal the world is, and a sort of near-miss feeling that I'm very lucky not to be in that position as well.

mixedflow · 06/05/2017 11:15

I do feel a bit guilty - my wealth has come from luck, not hard work at all. I grew up and was very poor as a single mum on benefits for half my life. I didn't work for ten years. Then married DH who is very well paid and I started playing around with investments, some of which exploded. But socially I still mix with friends from my old estate and with my family, who are still struggling. Most of them have worked much harder and for longer hours than I ever have. I help them out of course but some of them are too proud to accept it. So often I don't talk about things that mark out the difference in wealth between us.