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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I want to see my grandchild

186 replies

floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:08

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

OP posts:
Chicoletta · 04/05/2017 22:12

Pound to a pinch of pig shit there's a whole other side to this one....

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/05/2017 22:12

You have no rights over your grandchild. Sorry to be blunt but this a matter for your son and his ex to sort out. You're intervention is likely to polarise things further rather than build bridges.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/05/2017 22:12

Your not you're

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2017 22:13

So your son denies parentage and hasn't paid anything towards this child?

Is there any reason the mother would feel kindly disposed to you?

floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:13

Chicoletta I'm not sure what you mean?

ChazsBiantAttitide I don't see how as they don't speak to each other as far as I know.

OP posts:
Oswin · 04/05/2017 22:14

Bloody hell you have some front.

Your sons a fucking prick.

Leave her and her child alone. You would know the kid if your son wasn't a scumbag.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/05/2017 22:14

I think you can get a free DNA test on Jeremy Kyle...

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2017 22:15

I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too.

It's absolutely not her job to make your son see his child. Hmm

Mysteriouscurle · 04/05/2017 22:15

Grandparents dont have rights so you cant force the issue if you live in the UK. Unfortunately you cant force your son to be involved with this child either. Trying to force the issue with the mother wont help. You may have to back off. Tbh if I were in the mother's situation and you were telling me what I had to do I'd probably be running a mile. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear.

Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:15

He says she cheated on him and it wasn't his and you expect her to be nice to him?!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/05/2017 22:16

The problem is your son as much it is her. If you want to talk to someone about the situation go and tell your son to take some bloody responsibility.

user1482079332 · 04/05/2017 22:16

You need to give your a son a massive kick up the backside

Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:16

If you want to see child I'd start with an apology to her....

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2017 22:17

You might want to meet your grandchild but you'll have a much chance of that ever happening if you stop slagging off her mother. Her mother who's been doing everything alone because your son is a waste of space and abandoned them both.

Focus your energies on him and less on yourself, your strident opinions on a woman it sounds like you barely know and don't have a good word to say about, your rights (?!) and going down the pointless road of making her life harder by ridiculous talk of legal routes.

I wonder where your son got his weird ideas... Hmm

Gallavich · 04/05/2017 22:17

Your son is a dick. There is a good chance he is the father but he would rather pretend she doesn't exist.
You don't know what happened between them and since your son sounds like a total dick I bet there is more to it than you know.
You really don't have rights at all. It's sad for you but all the while your son is ignoring his probably daughter you have no role in her life.

floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:17

I feel that she could have done more because at the time she was so hostile towards him and he was adamant that she had cheated on him, which made the whole situation difficult. I'm a very involved grandparent to my other grandchildren and I don't want to be denied having the same relationship with my granddaughter.

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 04/05/2017 22:18

You have no rights at all re your grandchild ( if that's what they are). Your son sounds like a waste of space, if he couldn't step up and support his child then why the frig should his ex fall over herself to envolve any of your family?

TheWitTank · 04/05/2017 22:18

You won't get anywhere through legal channels I guarantee. Your son has absolutely no interest and presumably isn't on the birth certificate, you have no "rights". Your son sounds a total knob to be honest and I would be utterly ashamed of him. Have you ever offered her any kind words or assistance without being pushy as fuck?

intravenouscoffee · 04/05/2017 22:19

Is this a reverse?

Your son accused his fiancee of cheating on him, dumped her when she was pregnant and hasn't spoken to her since or done anything to support his child. And you think 'she could have done more to make sure he was involved'. Wow.

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 22:19

You won't get anywhere legally, you have zero standing. Why are you blaming this woman, who was probably too busy carrying, birthing and caring for a baby to be able to make your son do anything. Why didn't you give him a kick up the backside? You raised him!

SiouxieQ · 04/05/2017 22:20

I agree your son sounds awful and it's not her job to make him take in interest in his child. I think you shit yourself in the foot with her when you took your son's side and demanded your 'rights' you put her on the defensive right away.

Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:20

She was hostile to him because he abandoned her and the baby and tried to blame it on her.

Patriciathestripper1 · 04/05/2017 22:20

Grandparents do have rights, and these can be presumed through the courts.
Unfortunately if your son is not on the birth certificate and she had told him it isn't his child you are going to have a hard time and fight should you go to court.
Why have you left it over a year and a half to now decide you want access?
Your only real hope is to visit sons ex and try and build some bridges.

SiouxieQ · 04/05/2017 22:21

shot yourself in the footBlush

WappersReturns · 04/05/2017 22:21

So your son has denied he's the father if the child, refused to arrange or pay for a DNA test to prove or disprove his accusations and then cut off all contact with the child and it's mother? I honestly do not blame the poor woman for being wary of contact! That poor child Sad

If you want contact with your grandchild I'd start by directing the blame for this horrid situation at your DS and stop demonising the mother of your grandchild. She won't be receptive if you're blaming her and she hasn't done anything wrong. It isn't her job to force your son to do the right thing!

Try being nice. Have some empathy for her and take it at her pace, this is her child that has been let down in the most awful way, she's going to be protective and wary and rightly so.

To go down the legal route you would have to demonstrate an existing relationship with the child, which you do not have. So be very careful with using court as leverage because it's unlikely you'd have much success in that respect.

I do sympathise with you, I have two sons. I'd be horrified if they behaved in such a way though and I wouldn't for a moment excuse their behaviour.