I want to see my grandchild

[floflo123]

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

Andrewofgg if paternity is denied on application to CMS the cost of dna test is collected along with the maintenance after the test, if he isnt the father CMEC shoulders the cost. (If paternity is denied later it is up to father to pay for a test to prove, this will not be reimbursed.)

Thank you Musereader

How could she have done done more? I think she's done quite a lot by going through a pregnancy and raising a child alone. If you're going to keep the opinion you're the injured party, it's not going to sit well with her, considering your sons actions.

I would send a message apologising for your past attitude about it and lack of involvement from your son who's behaviour has been awful

And say your door is open you would be happy to be involved with the child and help her in the future if she ever wanted that.

Then I would leave it.

I guess we didn't tell OP what she wanted to hear. Hardly surprising given the attitude in her posts.

I would write a letter to the mother apologising for anything that has happened in the past. Explain that you would love to be apart of your granddaughters life and would do so wholly on her terms.
Then wait and if you get a response do whatever it takes to keep the peace, bite your tongue for the sake of your granddaughter and respect her mother for doing it alone.
If you don't get anywhere you could set up a bank account for your granddaughter, and put in money for birthdays and Christmas so that if she contacts you when she's older you can say you've always thought about her and pass it on.

OP, this can't be easy to listen to but believe it or not people here are trying to help.

What outcome do you think of when you say 'seeing your grandchild'? Would your vision be of meeting her with her mum and getting to visit from time to time? Or would it be that mum gives you the child and goes away for you to have the child alone? If it's the second, you're going to need to let go of it as it's going to get in the way of you having any contact at all.

As many posters have said, your only route to having a relationship with this child is through befriending and building trust with her mother. The mother would need to want to spend time with you with her child, and enjoy that time and find it positive, and for this to happen for some time, before she might feel ready, on her own terms, to let you and the child have time together alone.

She is the one who has had a pregnancy full of stress and pressure. A birth without the child's father. 100% of the responsibility, the 24 hour hard work, all the nappies, all the getting up, all the nights where the crying never stops, all the appointments, all the financial commitment, she is the only parent in this child's life. She is not going to be keen to add more stress and difficulty into her life by going the extra mile for the people who made her situation so hard in the first place. You are going to have to prove to her through giving her lots of experience that contact with you will not come with stress and pressure, criticism or advice and opinions she doesn't want, or demands and threats. That way you may get what you want, a relationship with both of them.

If you try and approach it as 'she's denying me my grandchild and I'll force her to hand the child over legally if I have to' - she's going to run for the hills and who could blame her?

Oh well I suppose op isnt coming back then?

I wonder why people bother posting, they expect people to take time to reply to them but can't be bothered to do the same. Says a lot about them really.

Oh god, you sound like my ex mil 7 years ago.

Oddly enough, the fact that her dad was back then denying she was his and refusing to contribute a penny meant I wasn't exactly going to let his family do all the fun stuff with her.

If you want a relationship, your son needs to step up and facilitate that. You're nagging the wrong parent.

Well, you could offer to do a DNA test yourself...it will show you as the grandparent. But it is up to the mother whether or not you have contact with her daughter. Why does your son not want to find out if he has a child? Sounds like he is very mean and irresponsible.

If you don't get anywhere you could set up a bank account for your granddaughter, and put in money for birthdays and Christmas so that if she contacts you when she's older you can say you've always thought about her and pass it on. That is a good idea.