I want to see my grandchild

[floflo123]

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

Op

Let this go. You haven't got a legal leg to stand on.

Pay for the DNA test, if you can get your son to cooperate. If its not his baby, walk away. If it is, insist he pays child support, or at least puts it away for university.
Put money away every month for your grandchild.
Try to be friendly and supportive to someone who has gone through a bad time, instead of demanding of your rights.

@Badknee you have clearly not understood it. There is no evidence the girlfriend cheated at all beyond an accusation from deadbeat dickhead. She was happy to have a DNA test to prove parentage. It was deadbeat dickhead who refused. And it was deadbeat dickhead who chose no contact. By his own mother's admission. Maybe RTFT before you start trying to paint us all in a negative light for your own purpose.

Sorry, but your DS sounds an arsehole.

I'm not surprised his ex partner wants nothing to do with any of you. Leave the poor girl alone, you've no legal rights over this child whatsoever, and you cannot force the Mothers to allow you to see her. Maybe concentrate on teaching your DS not to be such a twat.

I was in a similar situation with as DIL. With dd1. Dad didn't want to know. Claimed he wasn't the father. I had never even met his parents. One day I get a message from a mutual friend saying dd's gp's have asked for my phone number. I gave it. They phoned. We chatted. They couldn't apologise enough for sons behaviour. They asked for photographs (before social media) the next step was they asked to come round for an hour. She was about 4 months by this time. So it took 4 months for a phone call to escalate to a visit.
They've since told me they was terrified of approaching me. As I was terrified of them coming into her a life. I was a teenage single mum and they was a respectable married couple of just 40. I was terrified they was going to try and take her away.
After a few more months it became a regular thing that dd and I would go round for Sunday dinner. I know there was a million times they had to bite there tounge over parenting difference. They never once told me what they thought I was doing wrong. But they was full of praise for everything they thought I was doing right. They invited me to family events. Birthdays /weddings ECT. Made me feel part of the family. Never once questioned pertinity. I did offer at the beginning. They said there was no need. They knew by looking at her.
They also helped financially. I ever asked but they insisted. Not a great deal. Just the odd £20 here and there. It was much appreciated because it really wasn't there job. After about 18 months they asked if they could start having her on there own for a few hours a week. Was a little reluctant at 1st because I'd never left her with anyone before. I was worried for myself more than dd. But I agreed. Slowly a few hours a week turned in to over night to full weekends to holidays with them. She's 16 now and still stays over some weekends. I'm not as close to them as I once was. Not any reason just life. I got with a new partner. Got a new mil. Dd's dad got with several new partners and had several more dcs.
If they would have come wadeing in with "rights" and DNA tests and threats of solicitors I would have run a mile.
They just took baby steps. Established a relationship with me aswell as dd.
I'm very greatfull for all the help they give us and how they handled it.
I wouldn't give up. For the child's sake. She could be missing out on so much. It can be very damaging to child to suddenly find out it later life that they have a family who have never bothered with them. Especially if dil tells them you never tried.
I would really start to make steps now before dil meets someone eles. Then before you know it dgd will have a new daddy and a new set of gp's and you won't stand a chance.
But tred carfuly. Be nice and remember she's in charge and it's her and the child that has been wronged here.

funnyfarmer, that's a lovely post, it brought tears to my eyes. That's exactly the right way to deal with the situation and I hope the OP takes note.

OP I would fight you tooth and nail in court if you continued with this attitude. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself did you son inherit his appalling behaviour from you. Id be ashamed of him.

What a great post from funnyfarmer.

Great post funnyfarmer.

Funnily enough I don't see the interests of the child or the mother mentioned once in the OP, it's all about the MIL wanting to see the baby. What benefit would you bring to the baby and her mum? If you want to be involved you need to build a relationship with the baby's mother. That seems unlikely given how you are portraying her here, you clearly don't like or respect her.

If your son is so sure that the child isnt his why hasnt he done the dna test yet? Suspicious much? She obviously knows that the child is his and he is refusing to take the test which will prove it. What a complete waster. Stop making excuses for him this is all on him and nobody else. You cant make someone be 'involved' how was his gf supposed to do this?

He left his pregnant girlfriend, doesnt pay towards the child, wont see her, then you rock up to her and you demand that she is 'reasonable' and you have rights!

No you dont. And you dont get to tell someone left in the lurch with a baby that the father refuses to acknowledge or support that she has to be reasonable. I would be spitting bricks at his behaviour and I would want nothing to do with any of his family tbh.

Back off and leave the poor girl alone, you dont need to phrase a message to her as you have no legal rights at all so it certainly wont go through any legal channels?

Just be careful how you say things. Telling her she could have done things differently after your son denied her child will definitely not move things forward.
If it were me, I'd tell her I know my son is being a dick and you've tried to speak to him but he refuses to listen and you're sad your own son could do this, but you'd still love the opportunity to get to know your granddaughter because you know she is your family whether your son acknowledges that or not. Also possibly apologise on behalf of him.

Of course she'll be angry. Who wouldn't. It's not on her, it's all on him. Many father's, no matter what the mother did, would want to see their children. He doesn't. His relationship with his child should have nothing to do with the break up, its an excuse for him to shirk his responsibilities as a parent. It's not on. Some men even get access blocked by hostile mother's and go to court and fight hard to see their child. Your son accused her of cheating, said the child isn't his, and she got angry as a result. This is not her at all, it's your son. Unless yo can see that, it'll be difficult too, I don't see how you'll be able to get along well enough with the mother to start building a relationship with the child if you don't see it. In many situations like this, both are equally to blame, but in this one I think it's all on your son. Obviously she'd be "hostile" when he's saying the things he said and denying his child.

Trying to look on the bright side with this OP - nothing you have said sounds like the mother is unreasonable or vindictive. So possibly she would be open to a relationship if you build bridges and take responsibility for what has happened so far.

Going back to your OP it sounds like your other children have their heads screwed on. As a wider family of aunts, uncles and cousins it might be that your ex-DIL would be happy to have them in her daughter's life going forward.

We re being a bit harsh on the op'son, maybe it is not his child, and if it is his why, op, do you want to see the child.

Northernparent the OP has already said that her son has been offered the option of doing a paternity test if he pays for it. If he was so convinced that the baby wasn't his he should have jumped at the chance to prove it.

You could offer to pay for a DNA test so that she can claim maintenance from him

The ex doesn't need a DNA test to claim maintenance.

really so anyone can claim maintenance from anyone they like?

Gabs you can put a claim in and if the father says no child isn't mine then they offer a dna test. If the child is his he has the cost added to his debt.

Exactly.

Given that he knows that she could claim maintenance at any time surely he would jump at the chance to prove the child isnt his, and to prove that everything he said about her being a cheat. But he didnt. I wonder why......

Actually i dont wonder at all, its because he is a feckless deadbeat who accused her of cheating on him so he didnt look like a total cunt for dumping his fiance because she got pregnant.

I have been in this position exh left me early pregnancy claiming I cheated and dc was not his, pil sided with him and my pregnancy and early years with dc were just awful, it was so hard emotionally, physically and financially.It very quickly came out that ex was cheating, he moved in with ow and she became pregnant. Ex did ask to see dc and has probably 12 times (DC now 9)

At some point after a few years I think that it became obvious to pil that their ds had been lying about me and dc, their attitude towards me changed, I cant pinpoint the change but they really worked at it, it was a very gradual process. They made it clear that they respected me and that they thought I was doing a great job with dc and that they wanted to be a part of dc life, it has taken time quite a few years for me to be able put the the way in which they treated me aside, I cant forget it but I can and have moved on. They phone regularly, they send little gifts, silly things that show they are thinking and care about dc, they visit regularly and are now an important part of dc family. It has not been an easy road for any of us, but we have all made sure that dc is the most important person in all this.

Ex is not part of this, rarely sees dc does not contribute financially and we don't discuss him.

OP you sound just like my pil in the early years, a complete arse, if I was the mother you would not be getting near my child with your current attitude. You need to acknowledge that your family have behaved badly towards her, and accept that you can not dictate anything at all, it is not going to be easy . I would suggest a letter as a first contact, saying how sorry you are for the past, accepting you have behaved badly and made mistakes saying that you would love to be part of your grandchilds life, making it clear you understand that this has to be in a way she feels comfortable with and in a way that is best for the child .Ask if you can maybe have a picture of your grandchild. Maybe suggest a coffee in a neutral place, take it slowly.

You don't have any rights, you have no choices, a bit like her when she was pregnant and your son and you dumped and treated her like shit

Time to write a load of letters to a load of people. Investigate it until you get a result. That is my only advice in this situation.

oswin Doesn't the bloke have to pay the cost up front?

If he does and he is not the father is he left out of pocket or does CMES pay? I think they bloody well should, but does anyone know the answer?

Time to write a load of letters to a load of people. Investigate it until you get a result. That is my only advice in this situation.

Write letters to whom?

What "result" can she get?

Are you on glue?

You don't have any rights over this child I'm afraid. You need to back off.

In my opinion, ok you want to be involved and see the child, do you also want to be supportive and provide for the child.

Your son needs to get the DNA test done, whether it's one you get off Amazon or give us all a treat and go on Jeremy Kyle.

Although, not being funny, he isn't up for any father of the year awards. I don't know how he can ignore the child.