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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want to see my grandchild

186 replies

floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:08

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

OP posts:
Smitff · 04/05/2017 22:29

Your son is telling you the child isn't his. Pound to a penny, he's telling the mum the child isn't his. What in earth makes you think she is?

If you're so convinced he's wrong, your only access to her would be through your son. I suggest you work on him to take responsibility for his child. You are his mother after all.

FlossyMooToo · 04/05/2017 22:29

Not you child not your call.
Yes it is very sad but you and your son have behaved appallingly. The mum is doing all the right things to protect HER child.

You could write to her, apologise for your behaviour and leave the door open for the future then you need to back off.

edwinbear · 04/05/2017 22:29

It's not about what you think or want though. It's for her to do what she deems is best for her child.

Smitff · 04/05/2017 22:30

Have to say, you seem keen to take on grandparental responsibility before sorting out your parental responsibility.

ShakingAndShocked · 04/05/2017 22:30

Whilst it was patently obvious from the get go of your OP that your son has behaved frickin appallingly, you had some sympathy from me but I'm afraid you then lost me at:

'she was always far too opinionated'

Biscuit
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2017 22:31

Your son has denied his child of a father, never mind an extended family which could have included you.

This mess is on him but I imagine the child's mother has enough on her plate right now and I hope she has a decent family and some nice friends who've supported her.

You don't seem to have considered her at all. Put yourself in her shoes for a second.

Smitff · 04/05/2017 22:32

Also, what would you be doing to your son by taking on grandparental roles and responsibilities when he's denying paternity? Just stay out of it, and deal with him.

BlurryFace · 04/05/2017 22:33

Oh OK then OP, so did the mother change her mind and refuse the DNA test then?

How to approach her? Grovel.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2017 22:33

Your contempt for this woman is so obvious you're better staying away.

Original poster
floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:33

My son's thoughts seem to be that because she cheated on him, it's her own fault that things are the way they are, or at least that's what he's said in the past and I somewhat believed him though I had my doubts, but then I saw pictures of the baby and the resemblance is very strong. I can't do anything to change his mind because I really have tried. He doesn't have any other children and he doesn't really have much to do with my other grandchildren anymore.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2017 22:34

I think until
You have no hostility and more
Empathy you can't even try and contact her . As you will be suppressing the resentment and she will sense it . You sound more angry with her than your son ? Yet he fucked her off , accused her of cheating and left her too it ? Even your other kids see it !

You seem very bothered about what YOU what / but that's not her problem

Honestly what possible incentive has she got here OP ? I can't see one from here

I think you need to think long and hard about what's best for her and the child first - and source your action from that first and foremost

notanevilstepmother · 04/05/2017 22:34

As far as I know you have no legal rights in this situation.

I understand that you would like to see your granddaughter, (assuming that she is related) but you can't force her mum to cooperate.

The only way you can see the child is if her mother agrees. I suggest you write a very polite letter to the child's mother, acknowledging that you understand that there are 2 sides to every story and that you have only heard your son's side. Explain that you don't want to interfere or take sides, but you would love to see and support your grandchild and you would be very grateful if she would facilitate this request. Suggest you meet somewhere neutral for a coffee perhaps.

Having done this, should she agree, then please remember that no matter how cold you find her, how much you blame her etc, she is the mother of your grandchild and you must keep any negative feelings to yourself for the sake of the child.

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 22:34

It doesn't matter what you believe should happen. She holds all the cards. You would have been wise to consider this before alienating the mother of your grandchild. The only thing you can do now is apologise to her and ask if there is a possibility for you to meet your grandchild. No mentioning your 'rights' and let her know you fully respect her decision as the child's only real parent. The letter idea from a previous poster sounded good. If she doesn't agree then there is nothing you can do, other than keep working on your son to take some responsibility.

LostMyDotBrain · 04/05/2017 22:35

I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too.

With an attitude like that I can't say I'm surprised she's blocked you all on social media. She's already doing his half of the parenting and you're expecting her to do even more. I'm a lone parent myself and did go out of my way to keep my ex's mother in my child's life. Her attitude being so much like yours is what's gotten in the way of that. If you want to be in your grandchild's life, the best advice I can give you is to get on their mother's side, not your son's. Acknowledge that his attitude towards his child is a massive failing on his part. Tell her how ashamed of him you are. Publicly adopt this attitude. And put all of that in a monumentally humble letter offering your help with no strings attached.

Pentapus · 04/05/2017 22:35

be brutally honest with yourself - what benefit would there be to your grandchild in this move?

Are the potential benefits not obvious lalalalyra? A potentially loving grandparent for the child, a channel to a wider family network for the child, more support for the mother, and a bridge to a developing relationship between father and daughter should the OPs son step up to the plate, encouraged by his mother's contact?

I don't know why the OP's getting such a bashing here. But I can guess.

Original poster
floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:35

She could be quite rude and brash with the way she put forward her opinions, if I said the slightest thing that she didn't like she would be quite rude towards me on a regular basis especially if we didn't agree on something. As I said we didn't get on but it wasn't for a lack of trying.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2017 22:36

And yes grovel and grovel some
More

But I don't think you
Can as you don't seem to like her !

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2017 22:37

Maybe you have a chance of a relationship with your son out of the picture , and an acknowledgement that his siblings (with her cousins ) think your son is a dick too ???

KatherinaMinola · 04/05/2017 22:38

What is it with the no-paragraph unreasonable MIL threads today?

Oswin · 04/05/2017 22:38

You fucked up, your son behaved like a dick. And you backed him up. Stuck your nose in. Lecturing the poor woman.

Your only option is admit to yourself what a shit your son is.
Then write to her telling her how wrong you was how you know he's a scumbag.
Tell her you will regret it for ever. Ask her to consider allowing you to meet but you understand if she won't.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2017 22:38

You didn't get on before. What on earth makes you think you'll get on now?

lalalalyra · 04/05/2017 22:40

Are the potential benefits not obvious lalalalyra? A potentially loving grandparent for the child, a channel to a wider family network for the child, more support for the mother, and a bridge to a developing relationship between father and daughter should the OPs son step up to the plate, encouraged by his mother's contact?

@pentapus More support to the mother? From someone who holds her in such obvious contempt as the OP does? Even the OP doesn't think her son wants anything to do with his daughter.

To get anywhere near the situation you are describing the OP would firstly have to accept that she was in the wrong in the way she treated her granddaughters mother. Until then there would be no benefit to the child other than exposure to ill feeling and rows.

FrancisCrawford · 04/05/2017 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 22:41

When you told a pregnant woman that 'you all had rights, not just her' I imagine alot of damage was done. You sided with your son. Basically, you backed the wrong horse. The consequences of that are that she doesn't trust you or want you in her life. You need to apologise, and apologize some more. Tell her what a great job she is doing, how disgusted you are with how your son is behaving. It doesn't matter if she was opinionated or you didn't get on. All that matters is that she is the one in charge of the grandchild you want to meet, and what she says goes basically.

Oswin · 04/05/2017 22:41

Pentapus why do you think the op is getting a hard time?

Maybe the fact she lectured this woman to try get her to put up with her sons bullshit.
The fact that she obviously can't see what a dick her son is so is desperately trying to blame the woman instead.