I want to see my grandchild

[floflo123]

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

Don't be like my mother in law who offers nothing. She sees my dcs about 3 times a year for about an hour when it suits her. She's very able but shed rather not. I get no emotional or welfare support. Not that I expect any. And she only gives them a tenner on their birthday or the odd cheap tesco t shirt at Xmas. I feel that my mil is rather pointless tbh.

It's parenting that's given the son an overinflated sense of entitlement which has led him to behave this badly.

True. But a decent parent would be disgusted with their son for what he has done, not make excuses for him. They would have gone over and above to build bridges not tell the ex that they have rights and she needs to be reasonable (or in other words, threaten her) - Yes but it's not uncommon to blinkered when you love someone (ie a child) and their giving you a cock and bull story you might want to believe it or it could be they've always been trustworthy in the past so you have no reason to doubt it. My ex was an amazing liar, is mum and I would often fall for his lies - not because his mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside but because he is genuinely so convincing. I'm not saying that makes the OP siding with her son 'right' or acceptable, but without knowing exactly what went on it maybe she had good reason to trust him.

You write her a nicely worded letter, saying you want to have a relationship with your grandchild and you apologise for all your past behaviour towards her. And that of your son.
Then you offer to help her financially if she needs it. And you offer any help she needs, like babysitting or some time for herself.
And then you wait. If she's decent, she will take your olive branch.
But you have to acknowledge your behaviour towards her was at best unkind.

I just don't think it's right for a child to be denied a relationship with family that wants to know and love them.

That family have shown by their words and actions that they don't want to know and love this child. The only people who are denying this child with a loving family are the adults who refuse to acknowledge the child and those who enable this.
Your son should have had the paternity test done as soon as the child was born.

I am not comfortable with people suggesting she should offer money, a child cannot be bought!

How is the OP going to react when after sending money for 6 months the answer is still no? Cant see her taking that well...... And the ex could claim maintenance through the CMS who will order a DNA test if he still refuses to accept paternity. She hasnt for whatever reason, so the OP offering her money would be totally inappropriate.

If i were in your shoes i would be hurt and angry that i had no relationship with my grandchild .but the person i would be angry with would be my son for being so selfish and just bloody awful .the minute the relationship ended you should have offered the mother support whether he said he was the father or not .the poor woman feels totally abandoned by everyone i bet. and her attitude is fuck you all .to which i can hardly blame her by the sounds of things

These two comments are why you are unlikely to ever have anything to do with your granddchild:

I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her

I'm a very involved grandparent to my other grandchildren and I don't want to be denied having the same relationship with my granddaughter.

You told her she had to be reasonable when she was justifiably angry with your son. You told her you had rights to her child, you don't and it's no wonder she has blocked you on social media and is refusing to engage with you.

You say you are a very involved grandparent and don't want to be denied the same relationship with your granddaughter. It's not all about you, the mother of your granddaughter decides who is and isn't involved in her life and on the basis of the way you and your son have behaved it's no wonder she wants nothing to do with you.

Your son made the cheating accusation, of course he should have paid for the DNA test.

The only way you could possibly approach this is to start with a heartfelt sincere apology for the behaviour of you and your son and do as dinosaursandtea says, and then maybe, just maybe, the mother of your grandchild might agree to speak to you but if you start pushing your agenda of grandparents rights then the door will be slammed shut and stay shut.

Your ds said she cheated? But you only have his word for that?
So how exactly was she to blame for the break up?
Have you offered any financial support? Or support of any kind?
Is it possible for you to do a DNA test? Surely they can match a grandparent DNA?

He told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his.

She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims

Well, a DNA test would prove things one way or the other. Why is your deadbeat son not keen to do one?

I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it

TELL her??? Fucks sake. You are the MIl from hell.

Bingo.

Look. Your son sounds like a bastard - gets his gf pregnant, lies that she's been cheating on him. Doesn't want to pay for or see his dd. LEAVES HIS GF TO BRING UP HIS BABY.

Do you wonder why she's not keen to see you???

Go gently, OP. Ask if she'd like you to babysit. Be lovely and kind to her. Ask what you can do to help.

I'm calling troll.

I've only read the OP's posts.

"She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments."
So your son was acting like a total prick - and you decided the way to deal with it was to tell her that she had to be reasonable? And to tell her that you had rights?

You have done everything WRONG. And everything you have written makes me think that she is being very sensible distancing herself from your entire family. You don't sound as if you'd be a positive element in this child's life. Look at what you wrote - " I'm a very involved grandparent to my other grandchildren and I don't want to be denied having the same relationship with my granddaughter." You don't want to be denied. So it's a control issue, really.

I think you need to reflect on the way you and your son have behaved to this poor woman.

OP I suggest a very tentative (and certainly not legal) approach to see if you can build bridges. You are going to have to bend over backwards to be conciliatory. Do you have any mutual friends you could go through initially? I also suggest trying the forums on Gransnet where you may find people who have been in a similar position and who understand where you are coming from. I hope you can work this out. Speaking as somebody whose father was NC, I would have loved to have contact with grandparents.

Please, OP, for heaven's sake try to put yourself in this woman's shoes. Genuinely, for a few minutes, without thinking about yourself and what you want.

She was in a relationship. She became pregnant. The father of her child claimed it wasn't his. She offered a DNA test. He refused. She was very hurt and angry. Her mother in law told her she should stop being so angry because she wasn't the only one with rights over her child. She had the baby alone, raised the baby alone, had no help or support from the father.

Now imagine the MIL turned up again, complaining that SHE didn't want to 'be denied' the same relationship she has with her other grandchildren. How open and charitable would you feel to that MIL, truly?

You don't like your son's ex. You don't appear to feel bad about your son's lousy behaviour - their breakup is not the point, he should support his child regardless. You're not looking to make amends for everything this woman's been through in the last couple of years, birthing and raising a baby alone. All you want is to spend time with the cute cuddly grandkid now that you've decided it does share your genes and therefore belongs to you.

Shame on you.

God No! Don't ask to babysit right from the off. Why the hell would she trust you with her baby when you've done absolutely ZERO to build any form of relationship or support so far? In fact, quite the opposite by taking your hideously immature and selfish sons side?
You need to grovel, jump through whatever hoops she needs to see you are sincere and hope that possibly at some point in the future you might get to meet your GC. Don't expect to be left alone with GC for several meetings after that too. I certainly wouldn't trust you for years after the way you and your miserable creature of a son have behaved. Telling her when she's been abandoned by your son that "you all have rights" was utterly, utterly ridiculous and so incredibly entitled I don't know where to begin. Take a long hard look at your behaviour as well as that man-child idiot you raised.

OP you know what? I reckon your son is stringing you along here.

I think that the most likely scenario is she and he get engaged, all is well. She finds out she is pg and he hits the roof. He tries to push her into a termination which she says she doesnt want so he leaves her. Except he doesnt want to be seen as being a shit for dumping her because she is pregnant so he puts it around that he left cos she was cheating and the baby isnt his. This is why he refuses the DNA test but irrefutable proof that the child is his shows up his lies and selfishness.

Instead of being pissed off with her, try talking to him and demanding the truth instead of his version of events.

Like another OP, my ex's parents were a wonderful support to us. He didn't go so far as to deny his child, but he never got his act together to pay maintenance.

He was working away with his father and every week FIL gave me money supposedly from my ex. They were extremely kind and protective of me and showered my dd with love and clothes etc.

I think you might have gone too far in alienating the mother of your grandchild, my PIL's would never have countenanced my ex refusing to acknowledge his child, for example, but if there is any hope, I think you should give and give some more and say sorry and say sorry again.

And yes I agree your terminology about being "denied" a relationship screams controlling behaviour too.
I have serious doubts if you would bring anything positive to your GC. Can you honestly say you could?

My exs dad made the same assertion about grandparents rights when i was pregnant, he told me what i should and shouldnt be wearing and what i should and shouldnt be doing and had the audacity to claim that what i had done had ruined his life, he was a narcassistic and controlling bully (and his son turned out to be almost as bad), i guess i was 'opinionated' because i defended my right to wear a short skirt, go to an escape room, live near my parents, live with my partner , know what my partners debts to him were and and that in reality him becoming a grandad again was nothing to do with him and certainly did not need to cause him so much stress that he would have a heart attack given that we were both working and did not need anything from him financial or otherwise

Start with a sincere and heartfelt apology to the mother for YOUR behaviour and YOUR comments you might have some hope.

And think before you open your mouth next time.

It's going to take a very tentative, very apologetic approach if it's going to happen at all. I don't think OP's capable of making that approach yet. Every post is about her wants and her rights. It's 'I want this. What can I say to make this woman (who I don't like) give me what I want?' I mean, is that really a mindset to make us all feel starry-eyed about the wonderful warmth of extended family relationships?

All that is to say that you have ZERO control or leverage over her, anything you do has to be freely given and freely accepted with no expectations

Yes @sadsquid I agree - tbh the OP sounds rather deluded, no wonder the mother wants nothing to do with her. Not sure id want that round my child either.

Almost exactly this scenario was posted from the mother's point of view last week (ish). Coincidence?

I think the best thing is to buy birthday and Christmas gifts and keep the channels open. Without judgement.
Children need as many people around them with their best interests at heart as possible but thus us going to be difficult.