I want to see my grandchild

[floflo123]

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

It might be worth offering to do a DNA test yourself. Presumably if this shows the baby is related to you it will demonstrate that your son is the father. You could then present that evidence to him, and pressurise him to stop denying it, get involved in his child's life and, in particular, pay maintenance. All of that may may the child's mother better disposed towards you, particularly if you make it plain that all you want to do is to help her and you recognise that your son has been an idiot and want to make up for it.

Have we been had again?

I get the impression youre very much a helicopter parent/grandparent OP, as there are smacks of desperation in your posts, that come across as frustration in not getting what you want, when youre normally used to getting your way. This isnt neccesarily a criticism OP, but maybe youve been a single parent yourself and therefore have had to take full responsibility not only for the upbringing and welfare of your family, but also feel totally reaponsible for their individual happiness?

If so, this is one time, you really do have to step away, even if every instinct is telling you a train crash is coming. The train crash has happened, and not only is it not your job to fix things, its not yiur reaponsibility either. Your role today, is be mum to those who need you to be mum. Be grandma to those who need you to be grandma, but ultimately, step away and allow your children to have the relationships they wish to have with their own children.

This grandchild is a total stranger to you. You dont know her at all. If that is the relationship your son chooses to have with his child, then you step back from that too. My sympathies are always with grandparents that have been closely involved with their grandchildren, have loving strong relationships, that then breakdown due to a relationship break up. Thats heartbreaking for all the innocent parties involved. You are not in that situation, and Im struggling to sympathise with your desire to be involved, based solely on what is coming across as its simply because its 'what you want'. Why the utter disregard for what everyone far closer involved wants?

Your sons ex, indeed your son even, doesnt owe you a grandchild. Enjoy the relationships you have been blessed with, with those who do wish you to be involved.

Be fair people. OP's son is being a bastard and blowing smoke up her arse about GF's role in the break up.

OP is coming to the realisation that he may be wrong and would like advice on how to establish a decent, independent relationship with GF and GC.

Drop the Mil from Hell madness and give the woman some decent advice ffs.

OP, call her, tell her you're sorry things went so bad but you miss her and would love to see your DG.
Be apologetic about your sons behaviour & explain that you tried to get him to come around. Bite your lip if Dil is being ranty about your son and wait it out.
If you can learn to get on well with her, despite your son's shitty behaviour, you're the best chance your Dgc has of having a good relationship with your family.

*OP is coming to the realisation that he may be wrong and would like advice on how to establish a decent, independent relationship with GF and GC.

Drop the Mil from Hell madness and give the woman some decent advice ffs. *

OP is only getting the hard time she deserves. She comes across as the alpha hen, wanting to keep all the chicks under her rule, not because she genuinely cares for them but because she believes it's her right.
Nowhere in her post can you see any genuine affection for her new Grandchild. Her logic goes: oh, so I am very much involved in my other Grandkids' lives, I need to be involved in this child's life too because it's my right.
She sided with her son without knowing the facts, she couldn't care less about his girlfriend and still doesn't because she is "rude and brash" which to me translates as: having and expressing her own opinion which of course the resident dictator.
Btw, what's the story with child support? Does the OP's precious little boy pay any? If not, then the woman has double right to tell OP to go away and sort out her own child before she even claims any right on hers.

Here in Mexico, if the father can't pay child support, his parents are obliged to pay it. There's a lot to be said for that.

Here's my guess: son was cheating and knows the universal condemnation the fact of cheating on pregnant partner will bring. He's a shit and knows it. Accuses ex of cheating 'cos there is nothing worse than a woman who can't be sure who the father of her child is. Ex does only thing she can and says "DNA test it is then "' even though she is dying inside with the shame of feeling like a Jezza guest. Son disappears because he knows full well who's at fault in this scenario and his plan is to not have to parent. Ex goes through with pregnancy and gets on with life as best she can. Meanwhile, ex MIL stands disapprovingly in the background, judges every move and starts demanding contact with her grandchild or court action.

Now, listen very clearly OP. I know all this cos I went through the same shit. Thankfully, my ex woke up and at least sees his children, even if maintenance has never been forthcoming. I would not, under any circumstances, have tolerated the MIL threatening me and I did not take an ounce of responsibility for my ex's relationship with his children. That is his shit to work out, not mine. My MIL, despite phone calls and sobbing and demands of rights, remained very much not a part of my children's lives. I would only have considered letting her in if she had fully acknowledged her son's shitty behaviour. She never did. She sadly has dementia now and I don't believe she knew her youngest grandchild.

You have no rights - legal or moral - and no right to threaten the mother of your grandchild in this way. You would never get this in front of a judge anyway although some solicitors will relieve you of thousands trying. Money better spent on your grandchild and some humility.

What's wrong with being opinionated?

Can you give examples?

God I hope you are a troll. If you aren't, you and your son have behaved disgustingly and you need to leave this child well alone.

I had a friend who cheated on his GF and when they split up (she was 4 months pregnant) he told us all she cheated on him.
We all were very sympathetic and kind to him, but eventually it all came out that he was the cheat and the reason they split was because she wouldn't have an abortion. He didn't want anyone to know the truth because he knew he would loose all his mates.
Their little girl is 4 now and literally has nothing to do with the dad, he won't even acknowledge she exists, and his ex doesn't want him or his money (he is on birth certificate) if he won't acknowledge his DD.

He is a prick.

Your son, for making accusations about being the child's father but not getting his arse in gear and doing a DNA test, ad then just ignoring the situation and this baby, is a prick.

The mother has every right (whether she cheated or not) to get upset about her baby being ignored.

You haven't been around for a year and a half, where were you when she needed support?

All your posts have been about YOU YOU YOU and what YOU want.

Have you thought how confusing this will be for the little one if she is introduced to her GM but then where is her daddy?!

Speak to your son, he is your child, if you can't make him see that he is in the wrong for punishing an innocent baby then you've done a seriously bad job parenting. Maybe if he paid for the DNA test (which he should do as he made accusations) then the mother would see that as the first step to acknowledging the child.

This woman has raised that baby alone, don't think you can muscle in now that it suits you.

Maybe if you started caring about his exs feelings she might be able to build some trust

No wonder she is hostile. She was pregnant, he accused her of cheating, abandoned her and ignores his child. If you want to be involved, you have to create a new relationship with her. Something similar happened with my Aunt. My aunt set up a small direct debit to the mum (she didn't have to, but she wanted to help support her GC). She bought and sent presents. She never criticised the mother (despite different life philosophies). She never pressed to see her GC separate from the mother, but asked if they could have a coffee date a couple of times a year once the first year of no pressure was done. She never mentioned her son or tried to force a reunion. 6 years on and she has her GC to stay occasionally, she babysits when she can and has a good relationship with the mother. She has rewritten her will to send 95% of her son's share to his kid and doesn't see her son.

Just leave the woman alone OP. It's not about you, your "rights" or wants or what you tried to "tell" the ex-girlfriend. Leave them alone.

Your son was the person who denied he was the father. He had the opportunity to a) pay for a DNA test, which he should have done as he was the one making the accusation and b) applied for parental responsibility from the court if the DNA showed he was the father.

Has he done either of those things? No. So he is the person who is to blame for you not seeing your grandchild. Your anger is directed at the wrong person.

Would you be able to find it @FlyingElbows?

Any man has a right too ask for a DNA test but he can't deny paternity and then not take a test. If you want too know so bad you can take a test to whether you and the child are related if she would be up for that.

We've all seen it in TV the men getting shreds torn into him for being a dead beat only for it to be proven he wasn't the father.

I don't agree in the slightest you should be up her arse neither but you do need to change her attitude. One of my sister's children's father doesn't have contact but the nanna does. My sister and the nanna do not get on, never will. But they see eye too eye over the child it's the one thing they have in common. But the mum also acknowledge to my sister her son's actions are disgusting but don't punish her for her son being a twat.

Assuming this is real

OP ask your self logically what reason would a man refuse to have a DNA test done? If she had been cheating…and there was even the slightest chance the child wasn't his, wouldn't you still do it?

Using Oocams razor: the most obvious answer is usually the right one, he doesn't want a DNA test because he already knows the answer. The child is his.

Have you thought how confusing this will be for the little one if she is introduced to her GM but then where is her daddy -
It doesn't have to be confusing for the child. As I said, my son as a wonderful relationship with his paternal side of the family but his dad has no contact and pays no maintenance. As far as my son is aware his dad simply isn't good enough to be in his life right now, and maybe he never will be, but that he still has a whole host of family who love him more than anything in the world. If anything, his fathers family have made things a million times easier because he knows the issue is with his dad and not him - if he wasn't seeing any of that side of the family I imagine the rejection would feel even worse.

Op I'll be honest here, your attitude to the mother of your grandchild combined with backing her father means that it's very unlikely the mum would trust you. And why should she?

Your other dcs however, the ones who turned on your son in disgust, one of them may have more chance. You need to forget about you, it's not all about you and your wants and needs, it's about this child's.

If your family really do want to be there for her I suggest one of your dcs is the one to approach the mum and give apologies and support. The mum may not take it but she's more likely to listen who stood up for her child than someone who didn't.

The mum may or may not want contact with you even if she does your dc- that bridge could be burned. But if you have your granddaughters best interest at hear you will accept that and support your other dc into reaching out while telling your son to stop bring an irresponsible arse. Get a DNA test and if the baby is his he should step up. If it's not and it's turns out his fiance did cheat and try to blame him for a baby not his then your son will be shown not to be an arse.

I also wondered if the gm could have a dna test.

She can c0unt although they don't always give a conclusive answer. It's a lot easier to cut the middle man out and go to the direct source.

I think posters are being unkind to you OP.
If it were me, I would write to your Granddaughter's mother and let her know that you will offer any support she may need, Apologise for any mistakes you may have made in the past and let her know you think your son's behaviour has been shitty!
None of us know whether she cheated on your son or not so no one should automatically assume she is innocent or he was wrong.
You could offer to pay for a DNA test so that she can claim maintenance from him.
If you are serious about wanting to know this child, I am afraid you will have to be fully supportive of the mother and be totally humble.
I agree with you that the child should have the opportunity to get to know her wider family. Good luck.

I'm just placemarking to see if this stays. Surely no one is actually this deluded!

I would be my last penny that your son has been telling you porkies to get out of the responsibility of being a dad.

Do you know if his name is on the birth certificate?

As PP have said, you have absolutely no rights to this child. You are going to have to walk away and the only person to blame for this disgraceful situation is your son.

If he was my family I wouldn't want anything to do with him either.

Bet, not be!

OP - you won't gt much support here.

As I understand it the girlfriend cheated and the parentage of the child is not clear. The woman will, no doubt supported by her friends, prefer to have complete control of her child. Women like poster son here will assume your son is evil and egg the mother on to assert her rights rather than do what is best for her child.

If I were you I would let it go. When the child is old enough she may come looking for her family and then she will know how hard you tried to be part of her life. Until then concentrate on your other grandchildren. I honestly don't think you will achieve much otherwise.