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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to see my grandchild

186 replies

floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:08

I'm a first time poster here so I don't know if this is the right place or not, but I would like some advice. A year and a half ago, my fourth grandchild, a girl, was born and I still haven't met her. My sons relationship with the mother, a long term girlfriend and fiancé of a year, broke down early in the pregnancy and he told us that she had been cheating on him and that the baby wasn't his. She suggested doing a DNA test and denied all his claims but insisted that he would have to pay for it, though this has never been done and as far as I'm aware, they've not spoken since then. I tried talking to her to tell her that she had to be reasonable in how she dealt with it all because she was extremely angry with my son and that we all had rights, not just her but she told me to leave her alone, among other horrible comments. She has blocked all social media accounts from nearly all members of our family but I have been able to see pictures of the child and she looks very much like my son. I've tried to speak to my son to try and get him to get in contact with her but he refuses to acknowledge the situation at all, but I want to meet my grandchild. My other son and two daughters refuse to speak to their brother because they feel that he has been selfish by not being involved, but I feel that the mother could have done more to ensure that he was involved too. She and I never really had a good relationship, she was always far too opinionated and rather cold towards me so I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I'm just wondering how I could phrase a message to her in the hope that it won't have to go through any legal channels?

OP posts:
Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:21

Yes honestly you don't sound very genuine - surely no one could actually think so blindly

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 04/05/2017 22:22

Your son is an arsehole.

You are enabling him to be an arsehole.

Your thinly veiled threats that you have rights are both wrong and nasty.

Original poster
floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:22

As I said, I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't listen so I want to do this without him, I want to be involved in my granddaughters life with or without his approval.

I don't know what a reverse is intravenouscoffee? I'm not excusing what he has done but I don't feel that he was totally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship.

OP posts:
FerrisMewler · 04/05/2017 22:22

"I feel that she could have done more because at the time she was so hostile towards him"

I imagine most of us would feel hostile in her position. Taking care of a newborn alone while the father was bleating that the baby wasn't his.

Perhaps it's time for your son to step up and deal with his own issues, rather than just leaving it all to the women in his life?

Oswin · 04/05/2017 22:23

Of course she was hostile to him!
Was she meant to just take it from him.
Then you stick your nose in and tell her what to do.
Wow.

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 22:23

Grandparents don't have rights. They can seek permission to make an application which may be granted if they can demonstrate an ongoing relationship with a child that it would be detrimental to the child to disrupt. OP has never even met the baby and her son denies he is the father. She has no chance.

Dogivemeabreak · 04/05/2017 22:23

What you want doesn't come into it.

OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 22:24

Get your son to step up to the plate, take a DNA test and - if it is his - sort out the maintenance he owes her

If you have an address for her, you could send her a short note saying that you are sorry that she has had to do this alone so far; you believe it's your granddaughter and you want to be involved; you don't have any expectations from her, but if at some point there is anything you can do to help she should get in touch. Maybe include a baby photo of DS if you are adamant that they look alike.

Then do nothing to put pressure on her

C0untDucku1a · 04/05/2017 22:24

So your son accused his fiancee of cheafing on him. She denied it and said he could have a dna test done. He hasnt had one done. The child has rights; adults have responsibilities.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2017 22:24

I'm not excusing what he has done but I don't feel that he was totally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship.

So what? He's got a child. He should be involving himself (at least financially) regardless of whether they're together or not. That's what decent men do.

Musereader · 04/05/2017 22:24

Im in a similar situation to your sons ex, i have waited and waited for my ex to turn up to contact. In one case i had been on a bus for over an hour and was sitting in a coffee shop for 2 hours waiting for him to take a 15 minute walk to see us. So in response to your assertion that "she could have done more to ensure he was involved" NO, there is NOTHING she can do to make him involved when he does not want to be.

Her life is moving on, she needs to move with it and it does not include you and does not need to

BlurryFace · 04/05/2017 22:25

Wait, so your son declared that his ex was a cheat and the child isn't his. The ex denies cheating and suggests a DNA test but he refused and cut her and the child out of his life.

But she needed to be reasonable? The woman left high and dry with a young baby? Not the twat who refused a DNA? And you wonder why she blocked you on social media? I wouldn't want you in my or my child's life to drip poison either.

edwinbear · 04/05/2017 22:25

Why exactly should she have done more? I think she's done exactly the right thing keeping you all at arms length frankly.

Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:25

Why don't you apologise to her - a letter is always good for these things and include some clothes or toys for the child as a first step

Whatever you do do not blame her for this situation

Original poster
floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:25

I just don't think it's right for a child to be denied a relationship with family that wants to know and love them. It's taking me this long because I've been hoping my son would come to his senses by now. I admit that I could have handled things better but it was a very upsetting situation at the time and I'm not trying to come across as demanding in that sense, but I believe that family should be involved as much as possible and that's what I'm trying to achieve.

OP posts:
ILoveMyMini · 04/05/2017 22:25

he would have to pay for it

It? This is a child you're talking about. I'm glad she ran for the hills, you sound delightful not 🙄

Siwdmae · 04/05/2017 22:25

It's tough. There is no legal way to force the woman to allow you contact, plus it's nothing to do with you, in law at least.

TheElephantofSurprise · 04/05/2017 22:26

grandparents' 'rights'

Notsoslimshady · 04/05/2017 22:26

Maybe if you approached her with kindness, a bit of compassion and no sense of entitlement you'd get somewhere.

Apologise for your part in any past difficulties, tell her you don't condone your sons actions and that you'd really appreciate the opportunity to get to know your grandchild.

I don't think legal channels will help you, that would have to come from your son. Grandparents don't actually have rights, although a court may view it sympathetically, it's more likely in a situation where there has been a pre-existing relationship.

lalalalyra · 04/05/2017 22:27

Do you realise you'd have pretty much no hope of getting access to your grandchild through legal channels?

There has been a lot of chatter about 'grandparents rights' in the past few years, but grandparents have no rights. When a grandparent can go to court is when the child's rights to continue a relationship with their grandparents is threatened by a fall out/marriage break up etc.

You mention your feelings and your wishes in your OP, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself - what benefit would there be to your grandchild in this move?

You don't appear able to see it from the child's mother's pov at all. If my boyfriend had denied being the father of my child and then his mother tried to tell me I'd have to be reasonable I'd walk away from them all as well. Imagine how insulted and upset she must have been when your son did that to her?!

If you threaten legal action you'll make a fool of yourself.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/05/2017 22:27

You don't need his approval, you need his name on the birth cert. He's not going to do that so you have no rights whatsoever. OP, there is no easy way of saying this but your DS is a total dick who didn't care about his girlfriend and doesn't care about his child. Or you.

Sunshineandlaughter · 04/05/2017 22:27

And if she's a single mum I'm sure offers of babysitting (at her house at times she suggests) would go down well once you have built up the relationship with her

Zoflorabore · 04/05/2017 22:27

Come on this is op's first post and she is obviously hurt.

She cannot take responsibility for the actions of her adult son who does sound like an absolute arse ( does he have any other children? )

I am assuming from your post that your son has no intention of wanting to know his daughter?

You need to build some bridges with the little girls mum, be honest, tell her how you feel and that is pretty much all you can do.

Legal letters are a waste if time, it's true that grandparents do not have rights.

We continued a relationship with my ds's grandparents as their son ( my son's dad ) had fell out with them and i felt it was only fair for him to see his family.

I know this is a different situation to yours but it is possible to have a direct relationship providing the mother agrees though from what you have said it's not going to be easy or even allowed at all.

I hope you sort it out and manage to see your grandchild, be prepared for the mum to ask why you have waited this long though, try and put yourself in her shoes and then start the contact with that in mind, she is hurt, unsupported by the father and is presumably bringing up the baby alone which is tough.

Please think very hard about how you deal with this, like i said earlier, you are not responsible for what your son did and therefore should not be punished as a result.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 04/05/2017 22:28

This isnt about you and your wants.

How will you explain to the child in the next few years that you are her granny but her dad doesn't want anything to do with her?

Your ds ex has done all of this alone, she is the one who gets to call the shots here.

Original poster
floflo123 · 04/05/2017 22:28

I was referring to the DNA test as it, not my grandchild. I never said that he refused to do the test just that it hasn't been done.

Yes I know that his actions are terrible but as I said, I'm talking about myself and how I can approach her without it causing more issues.

OP posts: