Mil let baby get sunburnt

[sunburntbaby]

I really don't know how to deal with this....

I'm on maternity leave looking after my 9mo. My mil had asked to have the baby alone once a week so we recently started doing that for an afternoon once a week. Yesterday was very hot, so hot I had to sit in the shade. Well....mil had him out in the sun and he's bloody sunburnt. Arms, face and neck. She said they were sitting out most of the afternoon (!!!) Aibu to think she should have had him in the shade?
Other more minor things include on 3 occasions in the past leaving him in a dirty Nappy and not putting him down for his nap (I'm assuming she doesn't want to cut into her time with him).
I think I will really struggle to trust her with him now. Surely it's common sense not to have a baby in the sun?
My dh is going to speak to her as he's pretty upset too.

@THirdEeye I shared the guidance much earlier in the thread today and the OP decided the redness had gone down so no need.

[I totally agree with you that he should be checked out by a GP. Any burn larger than a postage stamp should be checked out by a GP].

I would let your DH have a word, and remind her about it when it's sunny to make sure he's covered up.

I would mention to her he was burnt and he is obviously going to be prone to this and extra care is needed.

TBH at this time of year after you had already said you'd put sunscreen on I think I'd have been caught out a bit.

I don't think it's worth stopping his time with her over something like this.

Just because she 'wants' to look after the baby by herself clearly doesn't mean she's capable of it!! It's not a toy!

Don't leave your child alone with someone you're not confident will look after him well, it's not worth the angst. Maybe he can have gran/grandson alone time when he's old enough to know he's meant to have sunscreen and stay in the shade. Can't stand people who are slack about dirty nappies, its truly foul.

No children are not toys but they benefit hugely by having time and involvement of loving grandparents - why would you suggest she is just wanting to use him as a toy, it's a strange way of thinking.

It's a lovely relationship and unless there are real concerns that she won't learn from this or brush off when the DH speaks with her then it's overreacting to stop her seeing him.

Not all grandparent relationships are beneficial. None of us can say whether this one is or not - it has to be the judgement of the op

And anyway, op isn't suggesting stopping her from seeing him, only that unsupervised contact may not be appropriate at present.

PIL looked after our DC and nephews when they were younger on occasion. They seemed to have a complete lack of awareness of risk. I know accidents can happen but under their care DN sledged into a tree and blackened his eyes, DS went flying down an extremely steep hill, came off his scooter and made a real mess of his legs and arms, and DN fell off a rope swing (unsupervised) and broke both his wrists. We never let them babysit after that, luckily they're older now so don't need to make excuses any more.
I would be furious too. Why does she need to have him on her own anyway? I'd be rethinking that.

Which is why I said "real concerns"

Grandparents often enjoy having them solo - there's nothing wrong with that per se?

No children are not toys but they benefit hugely by having time and involvement of loving grandparents - why would you suggest she is just wanting to use him as a toy, it's a strange way of thinking.

They only benefit if their basic needs are met. No naps for a 9 month old, not having their nappy changed and not being protected from the sun resulting in sunburn is most definitely not beneficial for the child. The reason that several PPs are saying she treats him like a toy is because she seems to only be interested in the fun bits of looking after a child and none of the boring but very necessary aspects of care. What's strange about commenting on that?

Foxache I was half joking with my post. I know some GPs can be a bit odd over their DGC, I wasn't offended :)

I think OP's MIL sound a bit clueless tbh.

Funnily enough I've just seen an article on my FB page from The Telegraph claiming that GPs can be a bit of a danger when looking after their DGC because of their outdated child care practices e.g putting butter on minor burns and the very alarming idea that plunging a child with a high temperature into a freezing cold bath is the way to bring a high temperature down.

Not sure when these GP were doing their child rearing, my eldest is 37 and I would never have done things like that when he was small.
Surely, it's not beyond GP capabilities, if they look after GC, to read a bit and make sure their child care practices are up to date.

This is why OPs DH is speaking to her though isn't it, it does depend on how she takes the criticism.

There seems to be some posts in here very quick to say stop contact/why does she even want him.

If she's apologetic and it's an oversight and things improve then it's ok isn't it? If she's a total dick and has an attitude about it probably not.

sorry Pigs

I'm gonna read between the lines here and suggest you don't actually like her that much, I mean at the very least you think she's dim! I sense you've not really been happy with this arrangement from the start and this incident is a good chance for you to end it.

Well Wolfster, if she's left a 9 month old baby out in the sun for "most of the afternoon" then dim is one of the nicer things she could be, the alternative is that she deliberately fails to care for her GC, is that any better?

Someone who doesn't realise that what she did by leaving him in the sun for that long was very harmful to her GS would definitely be in the "dim" category for me.

May I remind all mothers with sons, this is how you will be spoken about in a few short years.

Only if you are an idiot who leaves a baby out in the sun without a sun umbrella and suncream on for 'most of the afternoon'!

Jeeze this is a baby a 'bit of sunburn' could have serious consequences.

she left a baby to burn in the sun
either she's not all there or she's actively malicious
which ever it is I could never relax knowing she was in charge of my child.
I'm not sure I'd confront her, I'd just make sure she was never left in charge of my child again

Dim / lazy / ignorant / out of touch I don't really care about the reasons behind it the bottom line is the baby has suffered due to grandmothers neglect.

If it was a one off I'd forgive but it just doesn't seem to be a one off, one dirty nappy I'd forgive, two is pushing it, no naps isn't fair and the sunburn would be the last straw for me. I would be very reluctant to leave them in her care for a long time.

You can't even say these are "new modern ideas" I don't think it would have been acceptable ever to have left a baby in a dirty nappy, babies have napped since the beginning of time and even in the 70s leaving a baby in the sun was a no no. I'm sure it was probably earlier it became a no no but I'm mildly jealous of those 70's mum's with their big prams and sunshades.

To the people who seem to think it's a MIL issue, mothers of boys how you'll be spoken about etc sorry it's not, if MIL wasn't neglecting the baby then there wouldn't be an issue. How much suffering does the baby need to have before you draw a line??

Op I think I'd make my excuses "I want to make the most of my mat leave, I miss baby too much, will have to leave them soon enough" I also urge you to think what your reply is when the inevitable offer comes "could baby come here rather than nursery?"

I agree the MIL is out of order here, but can I just make a comment.

ds is a red head. When he was a baby he couldn't be in the sun at all ever, he was constantly covered in factor 50, under an umbrella, with a sun hat on etc. If I ever forgot, or we walked somewhere and got the sun, he would start to colour up.
I had to be really vigilant.
But my brothers and I are not red heads. In fact we can all tolerate a lot of sun before we would have a problem, and it was the same as kids, my mum has zero experience of a baby like ds.
I can remember being out with ds and a friend, then about 1 year old. She didn't have an umbrella and her dd of the same age was in the sun a lot, I felt anxious (and I am seriously not an anxious person) just watching her. At the end of the day, her dd had a light tan line, my ds would have been lobster red.

It wasn't until I had dd whose skin is like mine, that I realised that most kids aren't as sensitive as ds, and that I didn't have to be so cautious with dd.

If my mum had had ds in the early days, and they had been sitting in the garden, I can well imagine a scenario where he would get burnt. My mum is great, and she has always been serious about following our wishes with our kids, even when she thinks we are batshit, she has a very strong sense of them being OUR children and it is up to us, but If I hadn't spelt it out, ds would have got burnt with her. Dd on the other hand would never have got burnt.

So while I would be cross, I can imagine how it happened. The issue for me would be her response, and her willingness to listen in future.

Irresponsible of MIL

My DM was always very careful to be sensible with DS when she had him.

My MIL was a mixture of overly-cautious - never took him out in the car in case they had an accident & daft - refused to put suncream on because she didn't for her own children. She would put a sunhat on, but DS hated hats & it was never on for long.

DH remembers being burnt as a child & his mum calling it "sand rash" & has quite sun-damaged skin - he thinks suncream wasn't available (1960s) but it certainly was - I can remember the smell of the Ambre Solaire I & my DB were slathered in

DH still has to be careful - he has fair skin & burns easily. Fortunately DS has my more olive skin, but still burns if not protected in strong sunshine.

We insisted on cream & she did start using it, although I could tell she though I not DH was being fussy.

You can get sunburnt in the shade, and by the wind as well. 

Er...no. Sunburn is caused directly by UV rays. Wind does not carry UV. People often get sunburnt on windy days because the cooling effect of the wind causes them not to realise how strong the sun's rays are. But the wind does not cause burning.

I think also, statistically, you would be very unlikely to burn in the shade, unless you're near something very reflective such as a large area of water.

Nenny - you are probably right in the UK, but in hotter countries you can easily burn in the shade, there is enough light reflecting off other surfaces. Also shade is not pitch black, so by definition it has some sunlight in it.

Some people are spectacularly self-absorbed. Hence getting to grandparent age and still not clocking that fair people burn easily and that their kids / grandkids may not be low maintenance mini-me types. Reminds me of the grandma whose relationship with son/DIL/GDC is now very strained because she 'doesn't believe' in cows milk intolerance.

Oh Batteries that's so, so sad to think that that happens

I really don't get it. How can some people ignore things that amount to basic care when the price is a good relationship with a child?

@QuiteLikely5 Have you ever watched someone slowly die from malignant melanoma? If you had, I suspect you would want to do everything in your power to prevent the same happen to your child in later life.

OP - I personally would be cautious about leaving her to look after him alone at present. Surely she can spend time with him at your house, while you potter around? Clearly you are not going to in any way stop her seeing him, but as summer approaches (fingers crossed...) you need to be sure that she will take adequate steps to prevent sunburn, if she has him on her own.