Friend gone behind my back to contest my 16 yr old daughter's Drama Scholarship

[LillaB]

My DD and a friend of mine's daughter have been at the same school since they were 3 and are now entering VIth form. Both (and about 10 other pupils) applied for VIth form Drama Scholarships. My daughter was given one as was another girl and a 3rd from another school.

I have just found out from my daughter that the other girl and her mum (who is my friend and I am about to go on holiday with) has been into school to complain about the fact my daughter got the scholarship. Help

Ahh, thought it was absolute knowledge on the OP's part, that the parent of her daughter's friend had complained. Slightly different if title tattle and hearsay.

And yes, if a "friend of mine" had genuinely queried my child's right to being chosen for an opportunity, I'd consider it was a pretty crap friendship and not worth continuing.

I'm more annoyed that my 'friend' has gone into school about this and not mentioned a thing to me.

But it's none of your business is it? It's not about you or your DD no matter how hard you try to make it so.

I have a fair idea why your "friend" might not have mentioned this to you?

YABVU
Based on what you have said here, your friend has not tried to contest your DDs scholarship.

She has however gone in to complain about her own DD not getting one. Maybe you would have done the same if the roles were reversed?

I think you need to climb down off your high horse here before you ruin both your and your DDs friendships.

Information can get exaggerated and misconstrued if passed from person to person, as it has in the situation you describe. People like to dramatise things.

I would casually mention to your friend that you heard that she went to the Head to complain about not getting the scholarship and mentioned your child. Watch how she reacts and listen to what she has to say before making your mind up. Your friend should know that you know. Moreover, you may be satisfied with her explanation.

The most telling thing is whether this friend shows any other signs of ruthlessness towards others or competitiveness with you. If you have always felt that she is self-centred/boastful/competitive then that's a clue as to how the conversation may have gone with the Head and I'd then also be inclined to ditch the friendship. If you can't get out of the holiday, go on it, have a good time, be fake and friendly for the sake of the trip and kids' enjoyment, and then just distance yourself from the friendship afterwards.

I think you need to just ask the mum directly - say you'd heard she'd gone into school and hope everything is ok?
She may very well just be doing this for her DD and not even have mentioned yours.
Don't go in all guns blazing until you have confirmation to do so.

Gosh this poor woman whose daughter is probably in bits about losing out on a scholarship, who is definitely the subject of gossip should also be questioned by the op? Seriously you think the op should make this is all about her based on some idle 5th form gossip?

No. Just leave her be or maybe be a friend and check she's ok?

Some of you posters have a serious case of the vicarious drama llamas.

Perhaps best to take a step back and stay out of the teen talk. Leave it to the other mother to mention it. She could well be surprised that a visit to the HT and its purpose is being discussed by the 6th form. Maybe someone is muckraking, maybe her daughter has been indiscreet. Let the issue cool down.
See how things go on the mums' weekend, you don't need to bring up the subject of the scholarship. Be the adult in all this, as someone else suggested 'cool and aloof'!

I am shocked that not just the OP, but also so many posters on here, would automatically believe the rumour mill.

I remember one time I was staying by a Mexican beach and a couple of girls had been a bit spooked while walking along the beach one night. By the following week new arrivals were being told that they had been raped.

I highly doubt they're going to take away your DD's scholarship... so ignore the gossip, because that's what it is. You have no idea what has actually gone on, been said, etc, and be gracious and quiet about the whole thing.

Your friend's daughter is going to be devastated (as is your friend) and would have found it particularly difficult to discuss it with your daughter because of her success, so may not have been entirely truthful with your daughter or her mother. Girls at this age can be very dramatic anyway - without the career aspiration - and I would be very sure of your facts before getting upset or confronting anyone or spoiling a friendship.
Their comments will not change opinion in the school but you cannot blame them for questioning it.

Cancel the weekend away. I once had to spend a weekend in a holiday home hosting somebody who had stabbed me in the back - it was horrendous. I was so upset and down but had to keep smiling so I didn't upset the other mums. Cancel and rearrange when you don't have this hanging over you.

I am shocked that not just the OP, but also so many posters on here, would automatically believe the rumour mill

Are you? I'm not. People are stupid, and gullible, and dying to believe the worst in people because they would act just as badly as they like to think others do.

Have not RTT, do this might have been said, but could she not have just gone in to say can you reconsider for my dd, rather than, why did she get one when my dd didn't. In which case she's not g one behind your back.

There's no reason to assume that this sort of pettiness is actually there in either the mum or the dd. They might be happy your dd got a scholarship, but disappointed enough at not getting one themselves that they haven't come rushing round to congratulate your dd.

If you don't do anything stupid, why can't you continue to be friends? I simply don't see why you would need to cancel your w/e plans.

I'd speak to the mum, what's most likely as pp have said is she has gone in to question why her dd didn't get the scholarship when she feels on a par with you dd who did. That does not mean she is saying you dd was wrong to get it but looking for feedback as to why her dd didn't. The rest is possibly Chinese whispers amongst the teenagers. I don't think there would be any need to let you know she was going in for this scenario. So just speak to her about it best case it's all resolved worse case the friendship is over (which is pretty much where you are now!)

My DD is in her 2nd year at Uni. Amore sensible, level headed girl it would be hard to find. But.... the crap she came home from school with, teachers pushing each other down stairs, Head teacher putting up notices apologising for her rotten teaching staff etc etc. My DD was always adamant that it was true. Sources were always friends, or friends of friends... Utter rubbish almost all of it. How on earth would students know what teachers/parents are discussing?

Oh, MsPavlichenko, you have described my OH's DD to a tee. She's lovely but it wears me out, I swear to God.

My own, very bog standard comp school grin, always referred to sixth form as VI form - LVI

So 56th form then.

"The kids at school said...."

For realz OP? Are you 12?

--Badlad
So 56th form then--

It's all too easy to imagine a slightly different spin on basic facts until a completely different 'fact' has emerged. Don't you have any empathy for the girl who's missed out? Her or her friends might easily have decided that she's just as good as your DD. That would be only too normal as a way of making this girl feel better. And a short jump away from 'her mums gone in to find out what's happened and how she can grow from this experience' to 'she's gone in to complain as the DD is just as good as her friend' to 'she wants the decision changed' etc etc etc.

Before you start being nasty to this woman, you could think about who and how this muddle of gossip and misinformation might have occurred.

Maybe you could be a little kinder and more magnanimous, after all, it doesn't take much to be a 'good winner'? And you may well end up looking mean and like you're enjoying rubbing salt into the wound of someone who has lost - a teenager who will be feeling very sad at this moment, and her mother who's trying to support her.

16 yr old girls have said she's gone into to complain !!!
Take a step back and think logically about what you have written.
Girls love a bit of drama and gossip !!!
What would you have done if it was the other way round ?
Asked for feed back. Asked why she missed out on one of the 3 scholarships?
It's not aimed at your D as there were 3 scholarships.
Think like an adult not like your 16 yr old D and friends.

As your due to go on holiday with her, I would diplomatically raise it with her to clarify what the problem is. You may have got the wrong end of the stick. Clarification will at least get you past quietly seething about your current thinking on it. If it turns out it is basically sour grapes then tbh I'd rather cancel the holiday and get rid of her than potentially have a big sangria induced row about it on hols. Good luck and congratulations to your daughter too 👍🏻

You may have got the wrong end of the stick...maybe she was complaining because her daughter hasn't been awarded one. It seems highly unlikely that someone you're about to go on holiday with would complain about your child. Find out the facts first.