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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend gone behind my back to contest my 16 yr old daughter's Drama Scholarship

193 replies

LillaB · 02/05/2017 12:26

My DD and a friend of mine's daughter have been at the same school since they were 3 and are now entering VIth form. Both (and about 10 other pupils) applied for VIth form Drama Scholarships. My daughter was given one as was another girl and a 3rd from another school.

I have just found out from my daughter that the other girl and her mum (who is my friend and I am about to go on holiday with) has been into school to complain about the fact my daughter got the scholarship. Help

OP posts:

Maudlinmaud · 02/05/2017 13:26

I suppose it's down to the nature of the complaint. But regardless it shouldn't have an impact on your daughter.

Original poster

LillaB · 02/05/2017 13:33

Thank you all. I only know because friends of my daughter have said the other girl and her mum have been in to school to complain to the Head (who they are very good personal friends with to make matters worse). I obviously cannot ever know what they said but the kids at school are saying that she thinks it unfair that she didn't get the Drama Scholarship because she thinks she's as good as my DD (to be fair my daughter has always got top marks in the GCSE performance aspect and she does extra stuff outside of school). The Drama teacher wrote my daughter a lovely letter congratulating her and outlining why she was chosen so I am very confident the school won't change it's mind (that would mean admitting to making a mistake as well which they wouldn't out of principle) but I'm more annoyed that my 'friend' has gone into school about this and not mentioned a thing to me. It's a mums' weekend away at my holiday home and I am not exactly feeling very hospitable towards her!!

OP posts:

GloriaGilbert · 02/05/2017 13:35

I agree with most of the comments here - you can't know what her reasoning is.

There's a lot of money at stake here. If a friend and I had children both in the running for such an award, I'd impose a Chinese wall.

2014newme · 02/05/2017 13:36

You don't know that she had even mentioned your dd. She is entitled to query why her dd didn't get the scholarship. Don't take that personally.

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2017 13:38

The kids at school are saying... ffs! They don't know what was said in the privacy of the Head's office any more than you do

Hisnamesblaine · 02/05/2017 13:39

Just mention it to her.......... see what she has to say for herself? I would e feeling pretty miffed and dreading the weekend away

NavyandWhite · 02/05/2017 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 02/05/2017 13:40

The thing is OP, unless the Head is very unprofessional and has told these friends who told your dd what was said in her meeting with your friend, how the fuck do they know what was said in the meeting? Your friend has a perfect right to appeal/query/ ask for feedback on a decision about the scholarship on behalf of her daughter. I sincerely doubt she went in there bitching that her dd is better than your dd no matter how good friends she is with the Head because she'd look fucking ridiculous for one thing.

Hissy · 02/05/2017 13:42

I suggest you call her up and chat to her about it.

get it out in the open.

I don't think she has contested your DD place, more that she has questioned them as to why her DD has not been given a place too.

Its worth her asking, at least. If she is seeking to deny your dd a place, that's another story

grannytomine · 02/05/2017 13:43

She might have thought moaning about it to you would have put a bit of a downer on your pleasure that your daughter got a scholarship. it isn't as if there was one scholarship and it was your daughter or hers.

I wouldn't listen to what kids are saying. Before I retired I was a senior HR manager, the number of times I've had a quiet, informal chat with someone only to hear that on the grapevine the word is I've given them a massive bollocking which is so unreasonable of me. I've often been left open mouthed at how anyone could have twisted it to that extent.

FrenchLavender · 02/05/2017 13:44

I'm more annoyed that my 'friend' has gone into school about this and not mentioned a thing to me.

There is no reason she should have mentioned this to you. I don't think this is about your daughter and the fact she got a scholarship. It's about her daughter and the fact she didn't.

Try not to take it personally. If what you've heard is true then she's saying that her DD is as deserving as yours, not that your DD is not deserving at all. Keep things in perspective and don't lose a friend over it.

HallowedMimic · 02/05/2017 13:45

Jesus OP.

From your update it's obvious that you have no idea why the other parent saw the head.

She could be asking about other forms of funding, or other drama schools or courses, or something totally unrelated.

A complaint about the unfounded gossiping and bitching from other students perhaps.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/05/2017 13:45

Oh, well if "friends of my daughter have said" it then it must be true

Op, you need to put your thinking brain in.

squeaver · 02/05/2017 13:49

Sounds like quite a lot has been lost in translation here and it's the girl, rather than the mother who's upset about it. So maybe the mother went to see the head to keep her kid quiet. You have absolutely no proof they were complaining about your daughter or saying she shouldn't have got it.

Just leave it. In the grand scheme of things, so what?

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 13:50

Do you always take childrens gossip as gospel? You're not much of a friend to her are you, to condemn her on the basis of so little?

And if she is such good personal friends with the head, why would she go into the school? Why not meet for coffee or talk about it on the phone?
None of it makes sense.

Witchend · 02/05/2017 13:53

The most likely is that she's asked for "feedback" as to why she didn't get offered the scholarship. Possibly so she can work on those aspects and possible use it to apply elsewhere.
I very much doubt she is asking to remove your dd-and if they did then is that the sort of place you'd want your dd to go to really?

She could be putting in a complaint about how it was handled rather than that she didn't get a scholarship too.

I chaperoned for an audition once that I could have put a complaint in. There were over 100 girls coming from certainly over a 20 mile radius, for 6 parts.
What I found out afterwards that 5 girls who were known to the company were basically asked which part they wanted before the audition and told they could have it. For my dd who was auditioning there was no way she'd have got the extra part as she was the wrong size, so it was a total waste of her (and my) time.
If I'd put a complaint in, my complaint would certainly not have been along the lines of "take those parts away from them", it would have been on the lines of that I respect their right to choose beforehand the children they want. I don't dispute that they can do that and it is perfectly fair enough.
It is not fair enough to have an audition that apparently there are 6 parts, but actually only have one. And, having seen the children auditioning, I reckon there were only about 10 children out of the 100 who would have size wise been suitable.
So it wasted approximately 90 girls' time as well as being a waste of time for the director etc. I'm told they didn't even bother taking notes as they knew who was getting the parts.
I can also say that there were children who auditioned better than the ones that got the parts (and I'm not referring to mine).

minisoksmakehardwork · 02/05/2017 13:53

Have you not commiserated with your friend that her dd did not get the scholarship? Is she still going to sixth form anyway but the scholarship would have helped?

Nothing will be achieved by taking what was said as gospel. The girls might have fallen out of something and be looking to stir their parents' friendship up - they are teenage girls after all.

The mum could simply be asking what the next step is for her dd to secure the future she wants, and that is the assumption I would make until I heard otherwise direct from the horse's mouth.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/05/2017 13:54

Going to school to (allegedly) ask why her daughter didn't get the scholarship is totally different from complaining that your daughter did.

SoupDragon · 02/05/2017 13:55

So, basically, you're basing all this on some gossip from a bunch of 16 year olds??

It's entirely likely she went in to ask why her DD didn't get a scholarship, not that she should have your DD's scholarship. I.e., ask for feedback.

juneau · 02/05/2017 13:56

As I see it you've got three choices here. Either you:

Let this situation (which you're not clear about what exactly happened or why the mum saw the head), ruin your friendship and your weekend away; or
Take a deep breath, accept that the mum could've just been asking why her DD didn't get the scholarship, or about alternative funding or something else and resolve to put it behind you; or
Talk to her and try to get the real story.

Ultimately you don't know what she said to the head, so it would be a real shame to let this sour your friendship. If she really is a friend I'd err on the side of thinking generously and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

TabascoToastie · 02/05/2017 13:58

My God the snobbery on here is amazing! The OP's kid goes to private school so all the jealous claws come out to tell her she's being a gossipy braggart and obviously doesn't have her facts straight because it's apparently beyond comprehension that an entitled private school mummy might throw a shitfit over someone else getting something her kid didn't.

Are we really denying people that entitled exist? Really?

I do a lot with a local amdram company and I've had that exact "why was Sally chosen for the child lead she's awful" conversations from pushy mummies at least three times, and that's only unimportant amdram.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2017 13:59

Surely she's gone in to ask why her DD didn't get a place. Not to complain that your DD did. I'd calm down a hell of a lot OP!

SoupDragon · 02/05/2017 14:00

Lololol. What a load of utter nonsense!

Wayfarersonbaby · 02/05/2017 14:01

Just forget about this and move on.

My own, very bog standard comp school , always referred to sixth form as VI form - LVI and UVI. It's not a posh school thing, it's how schools always used to refer to sixth form, and tends to be a bit old fashioned now, but it doesn't of itself signal "posh"

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 14:01

No, they tell her she's being a gossipy braggart because she is in fact being a gossipy braggart. And a silly one at that.

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