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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - church flowers

222 replies

Claire1200 · 01/05/2017 23:10

My best friend is getting married in September in a parish (feel like this might be relevant to the story) church. A lady (who is apparently the church busy body) approached her after the service on Sunday and asked her if she has organised her own florist or if the church are doing her flowers. She told her that she has organised her own florist. My friend said to this lady that she was going to use the same flowers at the reception venue too and was going to transport them there after the service. The lady went on to say that the church can choose to keep her flowers there, as if to say she hasn't got a choice in the matter. Is this a thing or is this lady just being unreasonable? Can the church actually say she can't take her flowers with her? This was the first she had heard of this and was really upset as she hadn't budgeted for two lots of flowers. Any help/advice appreciated.

OP posts:
FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 02/05/2017 15:35

lama

Protestant churches sometimes don't have them (at least in Switzerland. Some are rather... bare. Others can be rather festive, that really tends to depend on the preacher. And on how conservative he (sometimes she) tends to be...)

AIBU - church flowers
AIBU - church flowers
AIBU - church flowers
JaneEyre70 · 02/05/2017 15:38

I used to work in a florists and it was highly unusual for a bride to take the flowers to the reception, especially pedestal arrangements which frankly don't travel well anyway. A good compromise is using oasis based wreath type arrangements for pew ends that can then be transported and used as table centres with a candle placed in the centre or a storm lantern. Flowing arrangements for the church windows can then be placed on the top table/cake table and you can just leave the pedestal/font arrangements leaving everyone happy.

DerelictWreck · 02/05/2017 15:40

I've been to many weddings where the flowers were moved from Parish Church to reception venue, never an issue or a difficult task.

isittheholidaysyet · 02/05/2017 16:32

DH is a vicar. Wedding couples are asked to contact the lady who 'does the flowers' to discuss the plan.
If you are asked to do this, please do.
The amount of time spent on messages to and fro between her, my DH and the couple, just to have a conversation, is a waste of everyone's time.

Church of England wedding fees are set by parliament. If you think they are too expensive complain to your MP, not local churchgoers.
The church can charge for optional extras like choir, bells, verger (to clean up afterwards). The money goes to the people who are giving up their time to do these jobs. (Organists are paid professionals).

As for hiring the church out like a 'venue':
Each church of England church exists to serve (on behalf of God) all the people who live in the area which surrounds them (parish). Regardless of your belief or unbelief.
They will do your baptisms weddings and funerals, if you wish, and give spiritual support if needed and wanted. They have a duty to do this. It is not the same as hiring a pub/stately home/venue. A church wedding is a community event and the church will ask God to bless your marriage and they will pray for you.

(I'm not CofE, but I am a Christian)

GoatsFeet · 02/05/2017 16:32

The 'busybody' is probably one of the volunteers like my DM who gives their time and talents for free keeping the church going week after week, making sure it is clean and tidy so that entitled madams like your friend can swish in for a couple of hours and then disappear off again without giving them or place a second glance

Indeed!

(Non-believing member of a clergy family).

joanopie · 02/05/2017 16:45

For my daughter's wedding we arranged our own florist for the church. I asked if it would be okay to take some of the flowers with us to the reception. The lady who did the church flowers asked which I wanted to take. We agreed on three baskets. We left the flowers on the altar, the ones over the end of the pews and three others around the church on those high black frames (not sure what they are called) at the front where the list of hymns are and at the entrance. The church were happy with this and were particular about us leaving the flowers on the altar. I explained I would not dream of taking the flowers off the altar. I think it is okay as long as the altar flowers and a few others are left. You will probably be able to take some if you agree a suitable compromise.

Babywearinggeek · 02/05/2017 17:03

FIL is a vicar + married us (in a church he used to vicar and the one my husband grew up in). MIL did all our flowers. They both insisted that we take our flowers to the reception with us. Groomsmen were supposed to transport them but in the end it was wedding guests and parents that did it haha. People saying that no one would want to help move flowers and risk getting clearly never met our guests and family who were amazing! We have fab photos of them all carrying floral arrangements bigger than them to our reception venue 😂 We sent guests home with flowers and gave them to people in the village who had helped with the wedding but weren't guests (like the man who let us use a shortcut across his land so I didn't have to walk as far in my dress). And people who are saying about brides flouncing in and out ABU in my opinion. I spent 3 days prior to our wedding cleaning the church without any help from "the flower ladies" or other parishioners! And we got charged a fortune despite the fact that my FIL performed the service and the current resident vicar was off on holiday!

DontBeASalmon · 02/05/2017 17:11

I still can't get over the fact that a bride who chooses to get married in a church is that keen on taking the flowers back with her after the ceremony.

It's clear how deep is the spiritual aspect of the wedding for her.

YrHenGi · 02/05/2017 17:16

We're marrying in November and bumping up the floral decorating budget for that week - the church secretary told us that the flower ladies look forward to doing weddings, probably because they have more money to play with and get a bit of variation from the usual arrangements. They know the space, after all, and most of them are longterm Floral Society enthusiasts - they'll do a great job, and I'm happy to make a donation to the church coffers for their expertise. We'll be leaving the arrangements for the congregation to enjoy, partly in memory of my mum and the family members who won't be there at the service, and also as a symbol of our thanks to the church for the day, and the memories we'll take with us. oh dear, that's probably a bit pagan, come to think of it

GoldenWondering I think I can guess which denomination you're talking about too - my DF's mother was a Wee Free and they still talk in hushed tones about the first time she was overruled and the television was turned on on a Sunday...

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/05/2017 17:16

Where we were married the expectation was that flowers would be left for the next day. Unfortunately flowers make me sneeze uncontrollably which wasn't a good look for a bride so we didn't have any flowers. No one at our wedding seemed to notice or care so maybe that would be an option.

lidoshuffle · 02/05/2017 17:20

Surely if you want a traditional church wedding, you adhere to the tradition of leaving the flowers for the congregation to enjoy? It's church, not a commercial venue making a profit.

FrancisCrawford · 02/05/2017 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babywearinggeek · 02/05/2017 17:59

Haha the spiritual aspect was most important to us and we still took the flowers. We did flowers on an extreme budget (they were bought at wholesale flower market prices and arranged by MIL) and even then had to reuse them at the reception. But we did pay for every single one of our wedding guests to have a room at the hotel we held our reception at..

DontBeASalmon · 02/05/2017 18:04

Haha the spiritual aspect was most important to us and we still took the flowers.

you don't have to marry in church at all in this country. The total lack of respect for the traditions and the congregation is pathetic.
I am sure you have lovely photos to show off, who cares about the pettiness of carrying the flowers with you when leaving the church. Pure class Grin

Blossomdeary · 02/05/2017 18:12

I had the opposite problem when one of my DDs got married. Wedding all arranged and set to go and some friends of ours set about putting in the lovely flowers for the next day. That evening I received an irate call from one of the ladies from the flower rota asking me why I had not told her that we would be putting flowers in - she was furious. Why didn't I tell her? - no-one said I had to! All that info had been shared with the vicar so I assumed that it would filter down to the appropriate people.

We did take a few flowers to the reception, but left most in the church.

Mrsmadevans · 02/05/2017 18:19

We did the flowers ourselves and left them at the church afterwards, it was our choice but it never entered our heads to take them with us , to be honest I don't think it is the norm to take them is it?

ColdCottage · 02/05/2017 18:31

In my experience most people transfer the large pedestals from the church to the reception. I haven't attended many church weddings as a guest but have as a photographer.

Some take smaller arrangements too. Some are usually left as a thank you though, usually ones which wouldn't transfer anyway.

Flowers are expensive with pedestals starting around £250

msrisotto · 02/05/2017 18:33

Wow this thread is so weird. I grew up going to church, went to a church school etc and really don't get the insult about taking the flowers that you paid your florist to make. We paid several different fees to use the church - no problem, but if you are selling a service, you lose the right to expect things back which are not part of the deal. It's not necessary as a thank you when you've paid (our church ceremony was not cheap and the parish was not hard up).

Babywearinggeek · 02/05/2017 20:08

you don't have to marry in church at all in this country. The total lack of respect for the traditions and the congregation is pathetic.
I am sure you have lovely photos to show off, who cares about the pettiness of carrying the flowers with you when leaving the church. Pure class

😳 We are a Christian family, regular churchgoers and my FIL performed the service.. we took the flowers at HIS suggestion. And he's married hundreds of couples in his churches.. it's not like he doesn't know the traditions 😂 But thanks for being so kind with your words 😂

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 02/05/2017 20:24

msrisotto

When we got married it was because my grandmother wanted out own flowers scheme represented in the church (I'll admit, it looked lovely).

But if we had taken the flowers the flower ladies would have needed to come back later and do the flowers for the next mass again, which would have admittedly been super stressful for them because there was not just Sunday morning but also an evening thing. And it would have embarassed my dearest grandmother who (unlike me...) actually goes to this church at least once a week...

Plus, the flowers in the church wouldn't have been enough for the reception/eating and dancing venue anyway...

RNBrie · 02/05/2017 20:41

I'm a church flower lady! We do the flowers on a Friday. We scrap over who gets to do the flowers for a wedding cause we all love a wedding (and the couple generally give us an extra £30-60 so we can go a bit flower crazy)

I've no idea what happens if the couple doesn't want us to do the flowers. I'm not sure if it's even "allowed" cause we are rota'd on every weekend. I've been doing it for years and have never stopped to question this before - and I've certainly never been asked to come in late on a Saturday to do the flowers because the wedding flowers got removed. Think there'd be a sit in at the vicarage (with tea and scones, naturally)

msrisotto · 02/05/2017 20:48

This isn't about taking the flowers that the church's own florist made. Perhaps OP's church was like mine and don't have a florist or don't schedule a florist for the ceremony. That's why I used my own florist.

RNBrie · 02/05/2017 21:01

The op says that the church has flower ladies msrisotto so it's safe to assume there are flowers in the church every Sunday. If the couple take their wedding flowers on a Saturday then there will be no flowers in the church on Sunday which is pretty poor form if it's a church that cares about this sort of thing.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2017 06:35

Wrt whether churches normally have flowers - American RC churches tend not to go in for floral displays. As I mentioned, my church has some potted plants, with limited floral displays for major feasts, but there is additional seasonal decoration - a huge, suspended advent wreath, banners, draped fabric, and candles galore. In Ireland, RC churches tend to have flowers. I often wondered if the American non-floral RC thing was to do with finances, or whether the churches tended to follow the lead of the generally stripped back decor style of American protestant denominations.

elmo1990 · 03/05/2017 17:47

Being asked to leave flowers is fairly common. We chose not to put flowers in the church and I had a lovely conversation with the lady responsible for the church flowers who accommodated our colour scheme