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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - church flowers

222 replies

Claire1200 · 01/05/2017 23:10

My best friend is getting married in September in a parish (feel like this might be relevant to the story) church. A lady (who is apparently the church busy body) approached her after the service on Sunday and asked her if she has organised her own florist or if the church are doing her flowers. She told her that she has organised her own florist. My friend said to this lady that she was going to use the same flowers at the reception venue too and was going to transport them there after the service. The lady went on to say that the church can choose to keep her flowers there, as if to say she hasn't got a choice in the matter. Is this a thing or is this lady just being unreasonable? Can the church actually say she can't take her flowers with her? This was the first she had heard of this and was really upset as she hadn't budgeted for two lots of flowers. Any help/advice appreciated.

OP posts:

WateryTart · 02/05/2017 06:38

It's customary to leave them. If you say you won't they may not let you do your own flowers, as someone will have to do them before the morning services.

Very rude to insist that you will take them. Never heard of that before.

Iamastonished · 02/05/2017 06:46

Churches are not cash rich at all. Why do you think we see loads of fund raising to replace the roof etc?

Heating and maintenance costs are rising, and with dwindling congregations their incomes are falling.

Goodgriefisitginfizzoclock · 02/05/2017 06:57

It is usual to leave them, IF your friend went to this church of choice regularly she would know what the form is? The church is very likely to have a list up of who's who, the busybody(a rude description) may well have been the lady who 'does' the flowers EVERY week and could be the brides fortunate friend as she can flower arrange at a fraction of the cost. Is the church just a location? this church is probably part of the congregations lives, not just a location.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/05/2017 06:59

Tbh, taking the flowers to the reception does smack rather of treating the church as a 'venue' or a backdrop rather than as the heart of a living community you should ideally feel part of if you are marrying there. And 'church busybodies' are often/usually women who have spent a lot of time in their lives quietly doing things for others.

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 07:05

The busybody will likely have cleaned the church before the wedding, made sure the towels are clean in the loo if there is one, etc! She'll clean afterward, as well. She'll be giving her money in the collection each week and fundraising to pay for a new boiler or to get the organ serviced. She is likely to be there opening up and locking up after, and helping with any little emergencies which crop up. People like her make sure the church functions enough through the whole year to allow funerals and weddings and christenings for everyone who doesn't go at any other time!

All the costs involved in a wedding, and people begrudge the church element most, it often seems.

topcat2014 · 02/05/2017 07:05

IIRC we just had whatever flowers were in the church on the day, having made a donation.

Our florist delivered flowers straight to the reception (apart from bridal flowers)

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/05/2017 07:12

I've worked in three churches now. Two were big and popular with brides and had cathedral level flower arrangers. For a charge (£50-100) the flower arrangers would do the flowers which would be two big altar arrangements, one in the lady chapel and pew ends in the brides' colours. If there were a number of brides that day they would try and get something to suit all of them. If the bride wanted more arrangements they would bring them in and take them away.

In my current church no one wants to get married here as it is not pretty. It costs a shade over £600 for the ceremony, banns, a verger, organist and flowers. The flowers cost £50 (included in the cost quoted) and will be arranged with love. If the bride wants to take them with her she will have to bring her own vases. If our theoretical bride wants to have a florist come in and do her flowers she is very welcome. We might have to hide the arrangements done with love for the congregation by the flower arrangers but that is a small price to pay to avoid offence to the loyal members of the congregation who are giving their time and talents for free.

If the OP checks with the minister or priest ASAP she will find out what is expected in the church and make her arrangements accordingly.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 02/05/2017 07:15

I think your friend (or you via lost in translation) is misunderstanding the idea of a church weddings. As the poster above said, it's not just another venue : it's a church.

When I got married and flowers were mentioned by the church , they said I could get a florist or they would do it, and it never struck my mind they were on the make! It seemed a lovely thing they did t contiribute to my wedding and made it feel, therefore, that they wanted my day to be nice , too.

It was a large church and the flowers were perhaps a bit underwhelming but I was grateful for one less job and when all was said and done it was a tiny factor in the day.They expressed as ' we do the flowers for Sunday anyway so you can have the flowers we will do anyway for your wedding and we'll do a few extra'

Iirc the church fee for flowers was very small. It didn't occur to me to get a florist to do more : but if I had , I would have left them in the church. I guess all this is a sign of how much weddings have become about costings and finances these days.

I do think if you expect churches to bend to everything you want and run around after you, maybe a church is not where you should be getting married...their priority is God...

Coffeeandcrochet · 02/05/2017 07:23

The church charges quite a lot for the wedding, extra for candles, bells music etc.

Of course, the bell ringers, choir, organist etc should give up part of their Saturday (probably for most of the summer) for no thanks or money, how terrible of them to want some recognition of their time and talents

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 02/05/2017 07:24

My church asked us to provide our own and then take away our flowers.

It wasn't lent, but apparently it caused havoc with the flower rota - the ladies on it didn't like when there might or might not be wedding flowers, so asked for them to definitely be taken.

TheTabardOfDoom · 02/05/2017 07:33

I think removing flowers from a church in this way is the saddest thing.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/05/2017 07:38

TheTabardOfDoom Why? The church didn't pay for them, and the couple pays to use the church in the first place.

GoatsFeet · 02/05/2017 07:43

Clearly the bride isn't a church goer or regular at the church, otherwise she would know who does the flowers etc . In the village where I grew up, there was a flower rota, and the people who did the flowers loved doing them for wedding services. Of course the flowers are left there.

I never know why on earth people who don't attend a church then decide they have to be married there.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/05/2017 07:47

GoatsFeet Not a Christian, but got married in a church because I'm traditional and I like churches.

That's one reason why, right there.

GinnyBaker · 02/05/2017 07:49

Is she getting married on a Saturday??

At most churches I've been to, the flowers are arranged on a Saturday by volunteers for the benefit of the church on the Sunday. If there is a wedding on the Saturday, people either pay for the cost of these flowers and a small donation to church funds to help for the arranging, or they use their own florist, come in and do the flowers for the ceremony and leave them there for the benefit of the sunday service. If you get married on a Saturday afternoon and take the flowers, where do you think the church would get the flowers from in time for Sunday?

If your friend doesn't want to pay for two lots of flowers, could she possibly look at moving the ceremony to the reception venue and so only need one set of flowers? Won't be as classy, of course, but it might be more suited to the bride?

The 'busybody' is probably one of the volunteers like my DM who gives their time and talents for free keeping the church going week after week, making sure it is clean and tidy so that entitled madams like your friend can swish in for a couple of hours and then disappear off again without giving them or place a second glance.

TheTabardOfDoom · 02/05/2017 07:50

Whattodo because it's sad that the church is being seen as just a commodity like a bar or a skittle alley. It's not about money. If it was only about money, why get married in the church at all? Go somewhere cheap where you can steal the bog roll too if you want. The flowers should be left for others to enjoy in the church.

Renaissance2017 · 02/05/2017 07:51

I never know why on earth people who don't attend a church then decide they have to be married there.

I wasn't raised in a religious family, but I wanted to marry in church because it just felt 'right'. My wife was raised in a religious family and was so, so about it. Nearly 20 years later I've recently started regularly attending church whilst my wife remains resolutely in bed on a Sunday!

And we definitely left the flowers!

MargaretCavendish · 02/05/2017 07:52

goatsfeet I think that's a bit unfair - for one thing, people can be regular attenders at a church, but not the one they get married in. My husband is a regular church goer (I'm not, though I go from time to time with him), but we got married in his home town not where we lived at the time, so neither of us were au fait with the current flower rota of the church... We did leave the flowers, though, and I have to say it never occurred to me not to!

MargaretCavendish · 02/05/2017 07:54

Won't be as classy, of course, but it might be more suited to the bride?

Miaow! I think this bride is getting a v hard time here - she didn't know that she should leave the flowers, but there's nothing to say she'll refuse now she does know.

TheTabardOfDoom · 02/05/2017 07:59

I didn't get married in church, I got married in a pub. An ancient and beautiful thatched pub but a pub nonetheless. It wouldn't have occurred to me to take the frigging flowers away after.

I grew up in a village and the villagers that didn't get invited to a wedding would often go and look at the flowers after the ceremony. It was a sort of tradition for me and Mum and Gran to go and look at the arrangements and it was a nice thing for the congregation the following day to enjoy. Please don't let this become a thing. It's like using the church as a film set otherwise.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 02/05/2017 08:01

Margaret - true : but the fact that it has appeared on MN suggests she's been having a good old moan! It appears to be a cost thing : the bride was trying to save money by only having one lot of flowers, which I can understand but most people on here are saying church flowers aren't very costly. Is it possible the florist will be charging more for doing a church arrangement that has to be transportable?

I think it was probably the 'busybody' comment that has led to the backlash a bit.

teaandakitkat · 02/05/2017 08:08

All churches are different. You have to ask the vicar.

Ours is a beautiful 12th century church, beautiful inside and out, so it's popular for weddings. The church provides flowers for weddings in the colours you ask for, after a number of incidents of florists damaging things inside the church. Flowers dripping water all over the 150 yr old altar table all night on the Saturday and damaging it, water dripping onto carpets all night long and causing permanent staining, Lily pollen staining 100 yr old wall hangings, and worst of all smashing a 200 yr old stained glass window with a giant stand for a flower arrangement.
The flowers are then left for the Sunday service.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 02/05/2017 08:11

Yes - costs for church flowers are usually paid for by the people doing it themselves or with a small donation from the church. Which is why they are often on the lean side, artistically speaking. An excellent florist (i.e me ) would charge you a good £100-150 for each pedestal arrangement, but you would expect that to be over and above what you would normally see in a church.

My advice when the funds are tight is always - don't bother with church flowers at all. The whole point of people being there is to see you get married and their focus should be on you.
The guest at a wedding who can tell me even what colour scheme the couple had 6 months after the event are as rare as hens teeth, let alone whether you even had flowers in the church.

Renaissance2017 · 02/05/2017 08:14

My advice when the funds are tight is always - don't bother with church flowers at all. The whole point of people being there is to see you get married and their focus should be on you.

Again, this feels a little like using it merely as a venue and giving nothing to the congregation.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 02/05/2017 08:16

We weren't allowed to do our own flowers, as the church we were married in often has two or three weddings on a Saturday. The lady who does them is the mum of one of our ushers, so she managed to put in a few bits of "our" colours but the rule is that they must be neutral for all the weddings. It was disappointing as our wedding was right at the end of the season so we were the only one that day, but it did save a bit of hassle and money, it was much cheaper for Susan and Barbara to do them than to pay florist prices.

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