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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - church flowers

222 replies

Claire1200 · 01/05/2017 23:10

My best friend is getting married in September in a parish (feel like this might be relevant to the story) church. A lady (who is apparently the church busy body) approached her after the service on Sunday and asked her if she has organised her own florist or if the church are doing her flowers. She told her that she has organised her own florist. My friend said to this lady that she was going to use the same flowers at the reception venue too and was going to transport them there after the service. The lady went on to say that the church can choose to keep her flowers there, as if to say she hasn't got a choice in the matter. Is this a thing or is this lady just being unreasonable? Can the church actually say she can't take her flowers with her? This was the first she had heard of this and was really upset as she hadn't budgeted for two lots of flowers. Any help/advice appreciated.

OP posts:
NotCarylChurchill · 02/05/2017 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 02/05/2017 08:18

I think that as usual with these sort of threads there is a middle way. Leave some - an arrangement up front and by the pulpit - and take some (pew ends - smaller arrangements which are easy to transport and wouldn't usually be included in the regular flower rota anyway). Taking every last arrangement rather smacks of the kind of person who moves house and takes every last light bulbs with them. Wedding flowers are expensive, but I would have thought anyone on a tight budget wouldn't be better at a single venue or at a register office where you are not expected to decorate.

BagelDog · 02/05/2017 08:26

At our church the flowers are in the cost of the wedding and are done by the church ladies. Lots of people top these up with some in their wedding colours. Generally some of these get left as a nice gesture (plus couldn't be used elsewhere - pilar decorations etc) but lots of people have a couple of big free standing ones they take on to the reception.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 02/05/2017 08:26

Renaissance what I meant was leave the flowers to be arranged by the church ladies if funds are tight rather than have your own and then take them away. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 02/05/2017 08:27

caryl, I am not a 'church type ' at all and many people on this thread aren't.

I think someone who works anywhere and does a service can appear a bit officious and therefore be given the label busybody (I've heard the same about school receptionists)

It's just what churches usually do as we have explained and if the OP's friend used the church's service it would be unlikely to be hundreds of pounds.

Your post suggests people take flowers away from their reception venue 'because they have paid for them'. Do they?

My mum took a table topper I think, but I am quite sure most of the flowers were , sadly, binned.

Renaissance2017 · 02/05/2017 08:29

Ladyofthecanyon

Sorry, I did misunderstand! I'll put my glasses on in a minute!!

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 02/05/2017 08:29

bagel now you come to mention it, I'm fairly sure my florist came in a did a free standing one and we took that to the reception but that may be lost in the mists of time as a memory..

I have honestly never heard of this kind of thing causing upset or friction.

I just sort of 'did as told' with all the venues, florists, church ladies - knowing no different! But I am sure I hadn't arranged the flowers or even thought about them before booking the church, so I kind of took the lead from them, I guess.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/05/2017 08:38

There is a clash of cultures and expectations which is why it is sensible for the OPs friend to talk to the minister. Churches have flowers all year except in the periods before Easter and Christmas. In the wedding season couples can have extra nice versions of the church flowers in their colours or some sort of compromise with the other couples that day. It does not cost as much as florist flowers as non florists are doing them. If you want extra flowers then you can usually have them as long as you get them in and out. Or leave them behind. You do have to discuss moving flowers with the minister as the next wedding might be gathering and the people moving the flowers may need to get a move on rather than hanging about chatting with friends.

As a priest I've had my fair share of entitled brides/mother's of the bride/bride's besties who treat the church as a venue rather than a living breathing worshipping community. We do our best but we are not fancy wedding venue with staff. We usually have fabulous buildings and we love it when we can share God's blessing with a couple on their special day. We are (usually) staffed by volunteers. Six hundred pounds for a wedding is not expensive. You could pay that again for flowers and take them with you. Communicate.

GinnyBaker · 02/05/2017 08:49

Oh God! Now panicking that my bitchy comment is giving a bad name to Christians!

Just to be clear, I'm just a bitchy agnoistic!

The reason for my ire, is that the behaviour of some people who get married in churches is just beyond my comprehension.

In the last year I've had my DM on the phone to me in tears on three different occasions about weddings in her church.

Once, and I'm am genuinely not making this up, when told to 'go and fuck yourself' by the groom when she asked him politely in a quiet moment if he could ask the ushers not to throw fag ends into the cobblestoned church path as they are hard to get up, once when a bride asked if the book of remembrance on a side alter could be removed as it gave her the creeps, and when told not threw a complete hissy fit and told my DM she was a nazi Confused, and once when an usher threatened to sue when he and 3 other ushers were standing on the top of 200 year old gravestones in dark sunglasses doing some ridiculous reservoir dogs type photos and the gravestone he was on broke and he fell over!

GoldenWondering · 02/05/2017 08:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Ameliablue · 02/05/2017 08:55

I don't think the church can dictate but it is normal to leave the curch flowers as otherwise it disrupts the schedule of the church florist.

Ameliablue · 02/05/2017 09:01

Church staff

The people who organise the flowers, set the church up etc. are normally volunteers not paid staff.

Fragglez · 02/05/2017 09:11

It's pretty usual in my small parish for the flowers to be moved to the reception. The florists offer this transportation as part of their service.

Sometimes one arrangement is left for the church.

I would definitely mention it to the vicar - they have to deal with much more awkward issues as part of their job, it's not going to cause an issue.

RB68 · 02/05/2017 09:12

Its normal to leave them there - however no reason why you couldn't use them for the reception then pop them back the next day - churches are v aware of people on a budget so long as they are back for the morning service if Sunday then shld be OK - its partly as there won't be time to "do flowers" after the wedding and before Sunday services and obv you don't want two lots

Do remember church flowers are usually done by volunteers and also the volunteers generally source the flowers as well if none are in the church from other events

Legma37 · 02/05/2017 09:19

I would much rather attend a Church where @seeingadistance is a minister than others here. That's a very reasonable response.

I also fail to see how there can be a complaint that a Church is treated like 'a venue' when it is hired out as one. If there is concerned that it is not being perceived by the 'entitled' wedding party as a 'living and breathing worshipping community', don't hire it out as a venue to those outside the community.

KayTee87 · 02/05/2017 09:24

It is kind of expected that you will leave your flowers tbh. My church uses them for the Sunday service then distributes them to housebound members. Many churches don't take a fee (including mine) so it's only polite to gift them.

RB68 · 02/05/2017 09:37

Its not hired out as a venue at all - its a church service and the fee is usually considered a "donation" having been guided as to that donation. The fee often covers cost of organist, cost of register and minister's time before and during the ceremony.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/05/2017 09:40

Again we had a mismatch of cultures. I'm not hiring out my church as a venue and maybe I need to make that clear on the website. This thread has taught me something so thank you.

endofthelinefinally · 02/05/2017 09:42

Our wedding was the first of 2 weddings in the church that day.
The priest put me in touch with the other bride and I offered to share the cost of the flowers and leave ours in the church.
She was very rude to me and said she wanted nothing to do with me or my flowers.
So we chose freestanding arrangements and took them to the reception venue.
I heard later that she had caused a flap because she had just expected to turn up and find our flowers still there. At no cost to her.
We did leave all our son's beautiful funeral flowers in the church.
The flower ladies brought me a small bouquet to dry and save.

1bighappyfamily · 02/05/2017 09:49

Not allowed to do our own flowers either. The ladies of the church do it. In my church there was a funeral, first holy communion and our wedding all on one day. We made a contribution so that the flowers were a bit nicer than usual - although they are always lovely. Wouldn't dream of taking them away.

We did have a lovely big arrangement in the reception venue which we took home so that it was a lovely big arrangement in my parent's house when everyone came the following day. That was nice!

Hillarious · 02/05/2017 09:51

The woman sounds utterly obnoxious to go up to a total stranger and start making demands for her to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of her own property - no wonder she has a rep for being the local busybody!

That's just the way the OP interpreted the conversation.

How many flowers does your friend want that she feels it necessary to take them with her? Churches look beautiful with oodles of flowers, but once it's full of the congregation, posh frocks and the wedding party with all their flowers, they can just become much of a muchness. Just some carefully positions displays are all that are needed and the church busybodies will do these perfectly well for a very reasonable price. . . . but heaven forbid they should clash with the bridesmaids' dresses!

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 02/05/2017 10:02

GinnyBaker that's horrendous behaviour.

I have a family member that was a bridesmaid and the bride made her pick apart the WIRED bouquets so that the expensive flowers could be repurposed in the centrepieces at the reception.

She said she missed all the arrival drinks and canapés and her hands were red raw afterwards. Some people are just so cheap.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/05/2017 10:14

Clearly the bride isn't a church goer or regular at the church, otherwise she would know who does the flowers etc .

This may hold in a small village but in a big church community you are unlikely to know the wedding flower protocol is unless you have been involved in a wedding or church flowers. Especially if its not the parish you grew up in or had family connections to.

Similarly we don't know if the woman described in the OP was a busybody or the official church flower organiser (most churches have plenty of both).

Practice varies hugely and the only way to find out is to ask the VIcar/Priest what they do in that church. What is quite common practice is for the church to do the flowers for the day (especially if there are several weddings) on the understanding they will be there for the Sunday.

BurningViolin · 02/05/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 02/05/2017 11:06

Another thing churches do is have rules about confetti. All very nicely explained to me. It's a part of the process with any wedding that the places it happens not calling it a venue! go through their rules and protocols.

I don't think calling the bride to be a 'complete stranger' is warranted. Presumably she was in the church at the time and fairly obviously a bride to be there for a particular reason! She didn't accost a complete stranger on the street!

Weddings are extraordinarily stressful - and expensive- this seems to be one thing that can quite easily be resolved. If this is about the b2b having very particular flower requirements , thereby influencing the church's displays for the weekend and the flower rota , then she will need to negotiate further. It seems like a small thing to me compared to other expenses and logistics of the day.

Plus - if planning on quickly wresting the flowers form the church , sprinting to a reception venue and placing flowers elsewhere before the guests and bride and groom arrive - does the stress of having to do that , for whoever that is, not counterbalance slightly a monetary saving of maybe £50 - £100?