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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - church flowers

222 replies

Claire1200 · 01/05/2017 23:10

My best friend is getting married in September in a parish (feel like this might be relevant to the story) church. A lady (who is apparently the church busy body) approached her after the service on Sunday and asked her if she has organised her own florist or if the church are doing her flowers. She told her that she has organised her own florist. My friend said to this lady that she was going to use the same flowers at the reception venue too and was going to transport them there after the service. The lady went on to say that the church can choose to keep her flowers there, as if to say she hasn't got a choice in the matter. Is this a thing or is this lady just being unreasonable? Can the church actually say she can't take her flowers with her? This was the first she had heard of this and was really upset as she hadn't budgeted for two lots of flowers. Any help/advice appreciated.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 01/05/2017 23:41

I have never known anyone take the flowers from our church to the reception if only because the church arrangements tend to be very large and quite "formal". I don't know where they would fit or look good in a reception venue, they would certainly be too big for the tables. Also who it going to move them? They are awkward, fragile and probably arranged in wet oasis. You need someone with plenty of space in their car, who doesn't mind waiting around while all the other guests file out and leave the church, and is then happy to unload them at the other end.

Crumbs1 · 01/05/2017 23:47

No I'm another who would think it was rather mean spirited to take flowers from the church to the reception. I'm sure if you made a fuss the church wouldn't object but they wouldn't usually be suitable arrangements - too big for tables and what would you do with window displays in a marquee? The flowers usually remain for the Sunday services and bring pleasure to many.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 01/05/2017 23:47

WHy can't she just ask the preacher?

But yes, we left the flowers as a gift to the church. And yes, there were a lot of flowers. I mean, it looked nice. But I'm still wondering what my grandmother told the florist ;)

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 01/05/2017 23:49

Btw, maybe the lady wasn't being a busybody and just trying to tell her what's generally seen as polite?
But it obviously does depend on how she said it...

Crumbs1 · 01/05/2017 23:50

It will also be different in other denominations churches perhaps? The Catholic Church does not charge for the wedding/use of church/priest so taking flowers would be exceptionally mean.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 01/05/2017 23:54

Ooooo... I'm totally going against the grain of the thread by saying this, but my BF always says she'd rather go to hell than to heaven, and her reason is "look at who's already booked their places" and her first example is "the ladies who do the flowers in church". I think of "love amongst the lentils" by the ever-lovely Alan Bennett!

I'll be flamed for this. Sorry!

m0therofdragons · 01/05/2017 23:55

CofE you leave the flowers. Taking them would be a huge faff and a wedding on say Saturday pm doesn't leave the volunteers any time to get more flowers sorted for the next day's service.

"Busybody" was just informing of the norm and was probably a bit put out as she's likely to never have come across such behaviour.

LilacSpatula · 01/05/2017 23:56

We left ours for the enjoyment of the community. Plus, we didn't need them.

m0therofdragons · 01/05/2017 23:56

chastened then don't get married in a church if you don't believe in it and want to go to hell. It's not forced, you can choose.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 01/05/2017 23:58

The quote was from my friend, M0ther, but I absolutely did not get married in a church as I'm not a Christian and neither is my DH.

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 02/05/2017 00:00

chastened

but why would you get married in a place where you feel contempt towards the people that are actually contributing to your wedding (in a positive way)?

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2017 00:01

Who are you planning to have transport the flowers? Shock. Will you seriously expect the guests to basically decorate the venue for you when they arrive? How incredibly cheap and tacky.

RedBullBlood · 02/05/2017 00:03

Presumably your friend has some connection to the church to want to be married there in the first place. It's surprising that she isn't more familiar with usual procedure, ie that leaving the flowers is the done thing.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 02/05/2017 00:07

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite Um... I didn't.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/05/2017 00:10

Your friend is NBU. We didn't have any flowers in our church, but if we had, I would absolutely have taken them to the reception.

We already paid for the church, and flowers are bloody expensive. No way I'd leave them behind.

Jux · 02/05/2017 00:13

Just ask the vicar, it'll be up to him. Warn whoever's responsible for collecting and moving the flowers that there's a busy-body who might appear and want them to leave the flowers, and what the actual situation is.

60percentofthetime · 02/05/2017 00:14

My dad is a vicar - if they are the flowers that you have paid for and organised, the church cannot choose to keep them. It is a nice thing to leave flowers for the church, however in his experience most people leave the larger display and take pew ends to reuse them on tables etc at the reception. Depends on their portability, but it is completely fine to take them all.
She should inform the vicar though, he will be able to let his parishioners know to organise some flower displays for the Sunday service as they would normally do.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/05/2017 00:18

It seems quite wasteful to do flowers for both places if it's possible to be a bit creative and have flowers that can do double duty.

pollypeanuts · 02/05/2017 00:18

I thought it was normal to leave them. You could ask the vicar, but what's he/she going to say? They can't really forbid you to take them, but that doesn't alter the fact that it's not the done thing.

Wishforsnow · 02/05/2017 00:20

I thought the done thing was to leave them. Yes, the church is super rich but they don't charge much for the service either.

westcoastnortherneragain · 02/05/2017 00:22

I would leave, its customary to give them to a church. If your friend wanted she could scale down the amount of flowers at the church and then use the money toward the reception ones.

applepine · 02/05/2017 00:23

We were told we had to take ours, it was a pain!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/05/2017 00:24

What if there are 2 or 3 weddings on the same day? That's a heck of a lot of flowers. And flowers for the previous weddings would have to be moved to make way for the next wedding.

I'd say leave one as a token and take the rest.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 02/05/2017 00:56

My church it's expected that you leave the flowers there as a gift to the parish, as well as take some specifically as a gift to Mary. I don't know that the church would actively force you to leave the flowers but taking them would certainly be frowned upon. The main flowers stay to decorate the church and any small bits, i.e. from the ends of pews are given to people to make them smile.

The priest will only marry Catholics with a connection to the parish though so there aren't that many weddings, so there would never be a situation where they'd need to move them for another wedding.

unfortunateevents · 02/05/2017 01:00

What if there are 2 or 3 weddings on the same day? That's a heck of a lot of flowers. And flowers for the previous weddings would have to be moved to make way for the next wedding - unusual to have more than one wedding a day, not really what most couples or ministers want. If there is more than one wedding, then there has to be sufficient time left between them to rearrange the church and move the flowers but that is down to the florists and not the parish. I once knew two brides who got married on the same day in the same church and they agreed to share the flowers as neither was particularly fused about having a particular colour scheme so ended up only paying half each.

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