WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

Please please do not do this. You are saving up problems for the future. Your young son is incapable of interpreting the real reasons for this. I have firsthand experience of this going terribly wrong and using upset for many years. You should put your kids to the same type of school.

I couldn't do that. If you can afford it I think YABU not too.
Arguably his chances of getting into a grammar school would be greater too if he went to the private primary?
If he didn't get into a grammar I would feel dreadfully guilty that I had not offered him the same opportunities as his sister, PFB etc. T
There is potential for resentment in the future too I suppose.

I know families where this has gone really badly wrong. Resentment can be awful.
Can you send him to prep from year 3?

My dc went to state/ independent secondary schools for the same reason. Ds loved his state school and ds2 didn't get a place. We hated the alternatives so he went to an independent which worked really well for him.

They both got very similar results and there has never been the slightest resentment. Go for it if you can manage the logistics. You can always spend some of the money you've saved on extras for ds in terms of music, sport etc.

I think you should move your daughter to the state school and then pay for extra clubs or tutoring or life experiences.

It's really not fair unless there's a good reason for the different set up. Dyslexia for example.

It could store up an awful lot of problems for the future.

Hmm, okay. Thank you. It's a shame because they were genuine reasons.

Prep from year 3 is possible, I suppose. Not sure what the chances of getting in that school would be. I'd need to look at maybe some others that have an official intake then.

Also, would he really want to move schools after being settled?

Private was never our plan

Two of mine went to private prep school, the third didn't.
One went to grammar school, two didn't.
There is no resentment or jealousy, they are all in their late teens/early 20's.

Do what suits your family best.

Quick she won't get a place.

Your DS may interpret this as being second best. I would send them to the same type of school.

Unless it was necessary, I wouldnt want to send my two dc to two different primary schools at the same time.

Two of my friends won scholarships to private schools that their siblings didn't and there is no problem between them. However my husband was state educated and his brother sent to private boarding school. The resentment and heartbreak it caused is still felt now. They don't really speak and they both feel hard done by and that they were let down by their parents. There is obviously a bit more to it but they both talk about the difference in education as a trigger for the break down in family relationships. I know this about BIL because SIL and I have compared notes a bit. I have also discussed schooling my dc with MIL and she begged me to treat them the same. You are their mum and know best but this is a HUGE decision IMO.

As long as you can explain the decision to both your children, I can't see a problem (but I don't get a lot of mumsnet issues).

I know families where this has been really great. I don't think there are any rules; send your kids to the best school for each of them. My nephew went to state school, and my niece to private. They are grown up now and it has never caused a moment's resentment. My daughter went to state primary, and her brothers moved to private primary in year 2 and year 4- she loved her school and was happier than they were in primary. They are grown up and no one has regrets.

I have a friend who has her kids in different schools (one private, the other state). It has actually worked out for her. Each child was in the right place for their needs and both are thriving. Her eldest is off to uni in September. As far as I know it's never been much of an issue as the kids understand the reasons behind the different schools.

I think you should move your daughter to the state school and then pay for extra clubs or tutoring or life experiences

^^ that's ridiculous. Sorry, but it is. Removing a child from her peer group and friendship base where she is settled? That really would cause resentment.

As a social experiment you should do this. You should also ensure private school child always gets brand new clothes and state school child hand me downs. Ditto IPhone 7 / Nokia, etc etc.

Report back the results.

I know loads of people who have done this. One child goes private, one goes to state. It is usually where the child going private needs more support. I have never seen it cause a problem.

If you send your sons to Eton and your daughters to local comp without caring what it is like, you will be storing up trouble for the future but not when you are trying to pick the best school for each individual child.

But this has come up on MN before and the almost universal response is you can't do this - it is too unfair.

I know one family who did this and the sibling who went to the fee paying school is resented by the others who ridicule their parents behind their backs for the choices they made.

Your DD is currently in Y4 - so in KS2. Appeals for KS2 are based on 'balance of prejudice', not on the absolute class size,. so in your place I would apply and then appeal for your DD to go to the school your DS has got into - once this academic year (ie immediately) and once next (immediately after he arrives). AFAIR you can appeal once each academic year.

Does the allocated school for DS have sibling priority? Does it work 'up' as well as down (ie, will your DD move up the waiting list, which she will go on as soon as you apply and are rejected, based on his arrival?)

If you're going 'well, actually, no, she's happy and doing well where she is, it isn't such a good school for her as the private one, she's being prepared for the 11+.....' well then you KNOW you are treating your children differently for no good reason, and you should put your DS into the private school or one of a similar quality.

I come from a family where our secondary education was a mix of private and state, based on whether we got 100% scholarships or not - but we were secondary age and absolutely understood the stakes and reasoning. Even so, it caused some difficulty as others married into the family and thought the arrangement was outrageous. Luckily, we ended up at similar universities with very similar degrees, so there was no long term difference in outcome to resent ... but i wouldn't recommend it.

I would never, ever do this, for any reason. You just don't know what the outcome is going to be. What is state school kid ends up a drug addict and private school kid ends up Prime Minister? Ok, both scenarios unlikely but a watered-down version could happen. It might not, who knows, but you can bet your bottom dollar if it does happen then the state school kid will totally blame his education.

I think it'd be fine. You're simply sending each child to the school that's best for them.
Saying is not fair us like saying private schools are better than state which just isn't true.

I think long term this would cause issues. Especially when you get to comp Vs grammar time. Secondary is the big thing, so they both need to have equal opportunity to pass the 11+ and get into grammar if that is the path you want for them. I guess if the state school is really good and you pay for tutoring for the 11+ as would be received in the independent that may level it out a little.

cant I've never been a massive lover of grammar schools so couldn't care less if moving her would prevent her from grammar, but wouldn't moving her make her be disadvantaged? Id be moving her away from her friends, etc.?

Of course the extra money would be used on DS and any clubs/instruments he'd like. The state school offers an 11+ club, so he could attend if he wanted to.

I've absolutely not decided yet and obviously if the majority say it's cruel, he'll have to go back to. We could just about afford it but probably could go abroad for holidays, etc,

DorisMcsweeney

We have considered this to be honest, we have two very different children, one who seems to fit in anywhere, get on with everyone, enjoys work at school and is good at it, etc; and one who struggles more to fit in, finds friendships difficult and school work very hard. The first i think would reach potential at state school and enjoy it, the second may not and I'd seriously consider private for him. I worry that he'd get 'lost' in the large state schools and the smaller private environment would suit better and help him thrive. It's a few years away yet and things may change but we have talked about it. We couldn't afford both (one would be a stretch enough) but actually I don't think it should be a 'both or neither' situation, it's about what's best for each child.