WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

Chickoletta I am not kidding myself that I feel no resentment towards my brother, and I think I should know how I feel. He was sent off as our Dad was in the RN, away a lot and it was felt that db would benefit from male role models. I did not want to sleep in a dorm, queue for the showers, or play rugger, so staying at home with Mum, in my own room and going to school with all my friends worked for me.

We are only talking primary school here and not secondary.
As long as you are happy and think the school your DS is good then send him there.
Your DS will appreciate the advantages of being local and having local friends and I wouldn't move your DD at this stage when she will be going to state secondary anyway.
Your DS is too young to understand the difference and your DD will be in state school in a couple of years anyway.

I really don't see the problem as long as you have good reasons for doing this, which you do.

Don't play up any differences and don't let the children do it either. Never talk about fees etc. When questions are asked, reply honestly that DD goes to a different school because there was no space for her at DS's school. Your happy that they both go to nice schools and have nice friends. End of story.

IMO, where there's resentment it's because the parents didn't handle things particularly well. It's not fair to take your DD away from her peer group now because she wasn't lucky enough to get a place at a good state school when she was 5. It's not unfair to send your DS to a nice state school where he has been given a place. Different schools for different reasons.

*You're happy

One of us went to a private school. He works for eBay. One of us didn't and is an Accountant.

Do what is best for each child.

I know a family that did this - in later life the state-educated child is immensely more successful (Oxbridge, career as a successful film director, happy marriage) than the privately educated ones (post-92 unis, struggled to get jobs, single). So it can work in the opposite way! Don't assume that there will be huge resentment or lifelong differences in inequality.

I know a family that did this - in later life the state-educated child is immensely more successful (Oxbridge, career as a successful film director, happy marriage) than the privately educated ones (post-92 unis, struggled to get jobs, single). So it can work in the opposite way!

Can I just say that in this case, it probably worked as intended. The more vulnerable, less able child got to go to school in an environment which might be smaller/more focused on his particular needs. He might have sunk like a stone in state.

There is an assumption that if you go to private school you have a leg up the ladder. Maybe true but the biggest leg up the ladder you can get is being academic, able to manage school socially, and able to be engaged in education - and you get that by the luck of the draw at birth. Not everyone has that and many people chose private education because they can see their children will struggle otherwise. It isn't all about the privilege of Eton.

In this case the one who is less successful probably needed the support of private school and wouldn't have done any better in state school. And the successful one was going to be successful anyway - in state or private.

Lots of people have said do what is best for each child-if you are truly picking state because you think it is the better option for your youngest child then do it. If it is to save you money then its not fair. My eldest was offered a scholarship to private school making it affordable but I knew my youngest wasn't clever enough to get one so I decided against it as I think it is unfair to do one for one and something different for the other. There will be lots of examples given to you of state children doing much better etc and I think state can be brilliant. However, paying for one and not the other seems wrong to me unless there is a very good reason which is to do with the actual child

The more vulnerable, less able child got to go to school in an environment which might be smaller/more focused on his particular needs. He might have sunk like a stone in state.

Possibly yes - the more successful child certainly always had more grit and determination, and the state school concerned was a selective one. But the private school atmosphere and ethos in this case wasn't that great either for the other kids, as it turned out, if I remember - the outstanding state school genuinely was better than the private option! Sometimes a school isn't necessarily better just because it's private. There are all sorts of private schools and all sorts of reasons why people send their DC to them. It could be that the OP's DS is actually getting the better deal.

If both schools are equally good, I would send your DS to the state one and tell him it is equally as good, and he'll have the advantage of being with his friends from nursery. If you keep reinforcing those messages that should minimize resentment.

It's better to choose the school that is best suited to your child or the best you can do under the circumstances, not send them to the same school 'just because'. Some children do get jealous and feel resentment, it doesn't mean yours will.

Possibly yes - the more successful child certainly always had more grit and determination, and the state school concerned was a selective one. But the private school atmosphere and ethos in this case wasn't that great either for the other kids, as it turned out, if I remember - the outstanding state school genuinely was better than the private option! Sometimes a school isn't necessarily better just because it's private. There are all sorts of private schools and all sorts of reasons why people send their DC to them. It could be that the OP's DS is actually getting the better deal.

I agree it isn't better because it is private - it is what is best for each child. And I don't think there is a "better deal" as long as the parents are focusing on the child and the options they have at that time.

But I wouldn't judge the parents of that kid you describe who didn't do so well. They may genuinely have thought they could see his vulnerabilities and were helping him as best they could. The reality is his brother was born with the kind of gifts our society values so he was always going to have a better outcome.

My eldest was offered a scholarship to private school making it affordable but I knew my youngest wasn't clever enough to get one so I decided against it as I think it is unfair to do one for one and something different for the other.

But in this instance you have decided to take away an opportunity from one because the other can't have it. There is also an "unfairness" in that. I don't think you are wrong at all. I might do the same but basically to be "fair" is hard in a family when members have different strengths. There is always an element of compromise.

If your ds ever raised this as an issue (unlikely), you could honestly say that you sent dd to her school because you couldn't get her into the one your ds is at. How can that make him feel second-rate?

By the time your ds even becomes aware of the difference between private/state, your dd will be well into secondary school, and her primary education will be nothing but a distant memory for both of them.

Oh, forgot to say YANBU!

As a teacher I would say that boys constantly get advantages within the education system and then better job opportunities thanks to the patriarchy.

So I would actually encourage you focusing more early resources on your daughter. This Girl Can.

Any 'resentment' from your son would be a sulky display of inherent expectation of male privilege and his fault not yours. He should if necessary be forced to deal with this.

DS is at state, DD is at private, it's working fine for us.

DS got into an outstanding state, he was very, very happy there, we moved, close enough not to need to move him but just far enough that DD didn't get in, she was given a place at a school I really hated, it was in special measures, bullying issues, really horrible staff (I'd done supply there and refuse to go back it's so bad) we'd put her on the waiting list for literally every other school we could get to before FIL offered to help with school fees, DS is year 8 now, at a grammar, DD is year 3, frankly DS' state primary was better than private anyway and the grammar is amazing.

I'm 1 of 8, 1 brother went to private, 3 to grammar, 3 to an outstanding Catholic school and i went to grammar very briefly, PRU then a very rough, failing non-religious comp, I would have hated the Catholic school, I did hate the grammar hence getting myself expelled the private was all boys and much the same as the things i hated about the grammar. I loved my rough school, my siblings wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes, point being whats best for one isn't always best for all, there has never been any bitterness between us about schools

As a teacher I would say that boys constantly get advantages within the education system
Do you know where i could read more about that as I'd be interested in knowing more about it.

My situation is probably very different - my DS1 is in private school and Ds2 in state secondary school.
Both were at the local state secondary school ( which is Outstanding and in the top 1% of state schools nationally). Ds1 was offered a sports scholarship and assisted bursary in year 9 (2014) and the offer was too good to decline. He had to still sit the entrance tests.
Ds2 remains at the local state school but is very clear that he would have hated having to go to the private school. He struggles academically and prefers drama/dance more so somewhere like where ds1 goes would be a nightmare for him.

I realise that this is very different as they both had exactly the same education up until middle of secondary education. For us Ds2 has no interest in the same pathway as ds1 so it hasn't been an issue and I can't see it being an issue in the future.

It's like Rimmer and Ace Rimmer:

"He probably got to go to some really great school, while I was lumbered with Io House."

I would never want my child thinking I loved my other child more.

What bullshit TeacherandFeminist.

Your choice but you'll be storing up trouble for the future imo.

My parents did exactly as suggested by sending us both to the poor state secondary school, rejecting my chance to go to a selective.
My chances in life were damaged far more than my brothers as my goals were more academic his not so much.
I didn't manage to do what I wanted job wise. (And never settled since) But it made my parents happy that we were equal.

No, children within a family should be treated the same. Either ones goes private or none. The potential for future resentment is very clear to see, your son may end up hating you and his sister.

On a very minor, practical point, you should possibly look at the holiday calendars of each school - some (though not all) private schools have very much longer holidays than state ones, and while the 'money' aspect of paid for education for one and free education for the other may not be something your DCs are aware of for a few years, they are much more likely to wonder 'why is she on holiday already while I have to go to school for another fortnight?'

I went to a private selective school and my much younger sister went to the local state secondary. She wasn't especially academic and would have hated my school, as it was super strict and very heavily results focused, and may not have passed the entrance exams. My parents couldn't afford to send either of us, I was lucky and got an assisted place which paid 95% of my fees. However my sister still feels bitter that my parents didn't even enter her for the exams or consider it, despite me having left the school years before she would be eligible to apply so affordability would have been better.

She hated school, was bullied and believes that she would have done much better and been more motivated at my school. In short, she feels as though my parents didn't believe in her or value her highly enough. Whilst I understand why my parents made that decision it has affected her relationship with them.