WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

OP, the input you're getting seems to relate to experience of secondary differences which you've already said won't be different for your children.

Go with your instinct which seems to be telling you that for the time being keeping your son in the state system is good for him irrespective of the financial element.

If after a year or so it's apparent that it's not the right environment for your son switch him sooner.

It doesn't sound like there is much visible difference to your children's schools that your son is likely to perceive that he is at an inferior school. In fact it doesn't sound like it is an inferior school it's just the financial part which is skewing your thinking.

Suspect if you asked him what he wants he would prefer to go to the same school as his friends. Have you asked him?

I think some people here are being a bit dramatic. OP is choosing between two schools she is happy with. There is a big age gap and it's primary school. I would absolutely send your DS to the state school. Make sure he has access to the same range of extracurricular activities and if he wants to sit 11+ you can deal with it then.

I went to state school and my siblings went to private boarding. Due to an age difference, df leaving the forces and a relocation to a more expensive part of the country, private school wasn't as affordable for me.

I'm the only one who went to university. I'm the one who bought my house first. I'm going to be mortgage free before them (as they've put all their kids are now in private school). We're all successful in our own ways (though my brother is the most "financially" successfully but only got two any qualifications 🙊)

I resented it s touch when I was younger but now? Couldn't care less.

*put all their kids through private school.

My 2 older DSs went private, my DB and I went state. No resentment, no problems, different needs, different talents. It helped that DSs went to a girls' school, there isn't a boy equivalent locally and I would have hated that, but that's just one example of why different schools were suitable for us.

But Rousette this is an entirely different situation. Your parents clearly didn't behave fairly. OP is sending her DS to the school which was her first choice for her DD also. She's planning on sending both children to the state secondary.

Private education does not equal better education.

Yes, I know Rinceoir. But I do know that once you get onto the private school path, it is difficult to extricate a child from that sometimes. So as much as the intention might be to definitely do the same for secondary, sometimes that might not happen (friends from primary going to different schools, scholarships etc). I was only pointing out the pitfalls for the future. But I appreciate what you are saying

I know and I completely appreciate what you are saying.

I grew up in Ireland (not Dublin) where there seemed to be a lot less drama and discussion about schools in general, and find the focus on it in England very strange tbh! I went to my local primary and secondary as did most of my friends. A small number of my peers from primary went to the nearest private secondary, where the results were practically the same anyway and nobody felt disadvantaged by it. My school was distinctly average but I still had an excellent leaving cert and graduated with a first from a (very) reputable university.

I have a just turned 3 year old DD who will be starting school in London in 2018. The talk from parents at nursery is all about schools. Many of her peers have been sitting assessment for private primaries already- you couldn't pay me to send my child to a school where they believe they can assess their potential aged 3! I've also been looking at the local state primaries and have been struck only by how similar they are. My friends at home with similar aged children are certainly not as focussed on their education just yet!

I have a DD in a private school and DS in a state school. They both started off in a private school that seemed perfect, but it turned out it want great for either, for different reasons.

We moved DS to a state school where they have the expertise to support his SEN. DD moved to a private girls school which provides the academic challenge and nurturing environment she needs.

It's never occurred to me that I'm treating them unfairly. Fairness isn't about doing the same for each child, it's about doing what's best for each child.

I think it's fine - with the age gap, your daughter will be in state school before your son is even aware of what a private school is. My son was at an independent primary but had no concept of it until he was about 9, and we certainly never insinuated that it was 'better' then any other. If the state is good then the only real difference will be prep for 11+ that a good tutor can balance out anyway.

My sister and I went to private secondary school and our younger brother went to the local comprehensive. We were jealous of him, TBH - local friends he could walk in with vs us on a bus with friends scattered around the city, and he got to go on every school trip due to the absence of fees. However, he was/is a lazy boy, and although of similar intelligence, definitely lagged behind in terms of academic results at GCSEs, A-levels and degree, as he was not self-motivated to work hard, whereas my sister and I learnt a very good work ethic. If you see any difference in your children's motivation to work (I appreciate this may be hard at such an early age), then at least consider tutoring for 11+ and grammar/private school route at secondary stage for your son.

I wouldn't normally be in favour of one child being privately educated and one not. But in your circumstances I think it would be a good decision. If you daughter was going to private secondary then I think it could cause resentment in future. But since she is only going to private school until aged 11 that doesn't seem so bad.

However, the only thing is if your DD gets into the grammar and your DS when the time comes doesn't. Then there might be resentment if your DS thinks well I would have had a better chance of getting into the GS if I had gone to a private school It's hard. I'm not a great lover of Grammar schools. Parents are just paying for a place by tutoring. And tough on those who can't afford to do that.

My siblings and I went to a variety of state/private schools without any issues and my own dc are now at a mixture of state and private.

Each of our dc is at the school that suits them best, and they are thriving. Our dc have all had input into these decisions.

Also, as others have pointed out, private isn't necessarily better.

My parents pulled my DBro out of state school as he was hanging around with a bad crowd, not doing his schoolwork, getting difficult to manage etc. They scraped the money together to send him to private school for Y10&Y11 and it changed him into the most lovely, polite, hard-working young lad, and it was worth every penny.
I stayed at state school as I was halfway through Y10 and didn't want to have to re-do coursework I'd started, re-take my options etc. It was a shit school but it gave me the motivation to work hard, just so I could get the fuck out of there!

We both did very well in our exams and have successful careers.
No resentment at all on my part.
Just wanted to offer my perspective.

PS I am not saying all private schools are great and all state schools are shit. Just speaking from my experience.

Absolutely this: "Fairness isn't about doing the same for each child, it's about doing what's best for each child."

We plan to do this for our DC (for different reasons).

I don't think that there is a simple "right" or "wrong" answer to this question, as it is completely dependent on the DC involved, family dynamics, the schools in question.... OP, all any of us can do is make the decision that we think is right at the time knowing what we know at that point.

I went to a state school, my brother went to a private, no resentment whatsoever. I was happy at my state school and had loads of friends, I actually did better at school than he did.

My eldest DS is 12 and has been in the state system all the way through, at the time we couldn't have afforded to send him to a private school.

My 3yo is in a private nursery and will go private as I wish we'd been able to afford to send DS1 private and feel he would have done better. Situations change and I think you do the best for your children under the circumstances. I'm not going to penalise ds2 because we couldn't afford to send his brother. I have however given DS1 the chance to change into the private sector but he says he's more than happy where he is.

YANBU

This happened to both my Dad and my DH. In my Dad's case he was the child who received the state (grammar) education - there was a largeish age gap and a house move involved. Uncle went to Oxbridge, Dad didn't. Both ended up happy with career choices. AFAIK there hasn't been any resentment about it.
DH was the one who went to private (secondary) school. Apparently he had fallen in with a 'bad crowd' and his parents thought he was a bit easily led. Sisters went to local state school. DH and his DSis both did well academically and followed their chosen career paths. Any resentment is on DH's side - he struggled with leaving his friends and adjusting.
Two anecdotes for you. I think ultimately though, this is like all sorts of other parenting issues and decisions. Maybe your children will resent/dislike the choices you make, maybe they won't. All you can do is in good conscience make whatever decision you think is best - balancing the needs of your children individually and your family unit. Good luck with it.

This is primary were talking about isn't it, not secondary? I'd have thought, unless yours kids are especially financially aware, they won't even understand the difference! If anything, your DD will be envious that your DS has a school he can walk to and more local friends.

I think, if there are ever resentments about differing education, then they would come at secondary level.

Can I ask those who say you shouldn't send one private and one state, what happens if one child passes the exams and the other doesn't? Do you say to the younger one that because the older one failed they won't even be able to try. Seems just as likely to give rise to resentment....

People are assuming that those of us saying "don't do it" think all state schools are shit and all private schools are wonderful. This is not the case

When it happened to my family members both sides resented the other for different reasons. The private school one was jealous that the state school ones had more local friends who were about on school holidays, and hated that they had to go to saturday school while their siblings didn't, the siblings were home from school earlier etc

And the one at state school was jealous of the one at private school for totally different reasons.

They were living different lives, neither were better, they each had their own reasons to resent the other.

Its not about which is better , it's about siblings living different lives.

Also worth noting that if you have 1 in state and 1 in private, school holidays may not match up!

Yes, I can see that, Tinsel, but in London where there are lots of single sex schools that might be happening at secondary level anyway just because of brothers and sisters not being able to go to the same school. Also, not all secondary schools give siblings priority, and some have specialist places (e.g. for music or sport) which one child might qualify for and benefit from, and not another, so there's are actually several possible reasons for siblings not ending up in the same place.

A lot of the anecdotes on this thread seem to be about families where one or more of the children didn't feel equally loved by their parents. This suggests to me that there were problems there regardless of school choices.

I have known parents do this and it has been fine.
There reasons for sending one to State were always very clear, and discussed in the family. They also made it clear that they would use spare cash to help the state educated one with their hobbies etc. Also they kept everything quite open, and reconsidered choices if children's needs changed.

Examples are:
C1 at private, C2 at private but C3 started at a private then withdrawn and sent to state until 11 then sent on to another private to 18. (Resources for C3's sport made available during primary school).
C1 Private all through, C2 State then transferred to private and then state for sixth form, c3 state to 11 then private to 18.
C1 state to 11 then private to 16 then state for sixth form, C2 state to 11, then private to 13 then transferred back into state and stayed to 18, C3 state all through.
C1 private all through, C2 private all through, C3 private but less academic so went to state comprehensive, C3 did so well that C4 was private to 11 then state comp to 18.