WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

I went to private school, my older brother went to a comp, my younger brother to a Grammar.

A couple of years ago my daughter won a 100% scholarship to private school. I agonised about whether to send her as there's no way we could afford to send her little brother as well, and the early indications are that he's not the slightest bit academic, so not really scholarship material. I asked my brothers if they resented me going to private school. There answers were as follows

Older brother (now aged mid 40s. Successful career in finance): "don;t be daft. It worked for you, I'd have hated it"

Younger brother (now aged late 30s. Hugely successful career in the City): "you went to private school?! Seriously, I don't remember that!"

So, for us there's been no resentment at all. My daughter is having a whale of a time at her private school. My son is having a ball at the Outstanding state primary he's at. I do wish we could afford to send him private, he could do with the support for reading etc, but we can't. However I won't disadvantage my daughter because of it.

My brother and I went to different secondary schools for similar reasons, although at secondary not primary. My school (the private one) was single sex , so even if he had also gone private he would have still been at a different school. Our parents wanted us to both go to the same secondary but we had moved area and there was no place available for me. As far as I know it didn't cause any resentment. Db's school was a very good state school. As this might just be for primary, I don't think it is a problem as long as the children know the reasons. Could ds also sit the 11plus, thus evening the odds of them both attending the same secondary?

Do it, it's so not a problem if both schools are broadly similar and you like both of them. My eldest went through state primary and my younger 2 are at prep schools. We never moved the eldest as he was in year 5 and moving a happy settled child would have been far more disruptive than the perceived fairness. He's now at state seconday and the others will follow.

I have lost count of the number of people I know who have children in different sectors at secondary, at least 60 off the top of my head. One is generally either at a highly academic private school or a very small specialist private school because they won't cope with a bigger school the other at an outstanding comprehensive. Parents have made these decisions mostly because the child didn't get into the highly selective school and the other private schools simply weren't as good as the state school.

You're talking about primary level where I simply can't see that there will be any resentment as the children simply go to school. At secondary I totally get that resentment might be justified if one is at Eton and one at a poor comprehensive but when you've a truly excellent state school vs an independent day school it's not such an issue especially if, like round here the crowds of kids at both schools are broadly the same and come from similar backgrounds

Hey gasp0de - keeping well here, good to see you.

I'm wondering if you mean the co-ed school on the roundabout in the adjoining postcode opposite the church and two parks cryptic. We're in the death throes of buying a flat on Ending in -Ham road, so all being well we should be close enough if everything goes smoothly. Still a while away for us though, and who knows what'll happen to schools in the meantime. I'm glad your daughter enjoyed the girls' school; it looks brilliant.

I find it bizarre anyone would consider this idea..it's not anything I would of done with my children.but if you are confident you can explain your reasons to your children,and confident they won't spend their whole childhood,playing the who's the favourite child game,go ahead.i hope it all works out ok.

Just another take on this - I know someone whose child - secondary school age - has started at a state secondary due to their own preferences (other child at private). Parents pay the school fees for the state educated child into a savings account each month, to be spent on the child in the future - whether that be future school fees, university, first house... It does redress the perceived unfairness, I suppose.

That's the one! You'd be quids in there as you should get a place at the primary school and that guarantees you a place all the way to GCSE. Good plan!

If your dd is in y4 then if you put your son into the private school with dd, you could just about manage school fees for 2 yearsand then your dd would go to state and you'd have school fees for 1 dc only for the next 5 years.

Eldest 2 went to outstanding state secondary school. Youngest went to private secondary. She struggled all through primary school and achieved level 3 sats in year 6. If she had gone to the same school as them she would have been in bottom set - the look on both her older sisters face when we talked to them about how they would feel if she went to private school was all DH and I needed to make the decision. They knew their state school well and were genuinely concerned for her. It was a school of 2 halves - they had benefited from being top set with its small classes but those at the bottom end of the school fared less well in classes with pupils who were often disruptive and sometimes violent. They were both very positive about their sister going to a school that could help her. It was the right thing to do.

I think it's perfectly fine tbh OP. My sister and I were educated differently. We were (still are!) very different, no resentment. One of us had the private education, the other had riding lessons (almost as expensive!)

It's fine at primary school but really really not at secondary. I experienced this with my sibling very close in age and it really affected me. That may sound a bit pathetic but it's true.

I left school at 15 with barely any exam passes (bullying, huge classes, struggled greatly) and his private school education opened up such opportunities for him that carried him through a top Uni and into a career. It was like we were brought up in different families. I love him to bits but I hated the differences between us because of this.

When I had DCs, the one thing I vowed was to treat them the same with education and I did, I couldn't have lived with myself otherwise.

You can probably get away with it at primary level, but it can be difficult to extricate yourself from the private school system once you've started and come 11 the differences are pretty set. Just my opinion of course.

I know not and I'm happy to do that but it seems silly when we think both schools are equally good but would do that if it would save resentment in years to come.

The pros to the state though are that DS can walk home in year 6 and he will know all the children in the village.

DD can't do either and that's one thing I do think is a negative of her school.

I wish I'd been sent to the local state instead of automatically following in my sisters footsteps and joining her at her private school. It would have suited me much more. Different kids, different things suit/are needed.

As long as all the opportunities are equal - sports, extra tuition for ds as needed, and keep options open/continually review DS's needs then I think it can work fine.

I would send your DS to the private school now if you can afford to. There are major logistical benefits to having your children at the same school. Going with 'friends' at age 4 is not that important - many kids don't go to school with nursery friends.
If it is too much of a stretch financially I would send your son to the outstanding primary where he has a place and plan to move him to the private school at Y3.
Then you can save money for the next couple of years and avoid any possibility of future resentment.
Don't remove your DD from a school where she is settled and doing well.

My parents did a mixture with us (4) I did part/ part, one Went just private and two just state. I don't think any of us minded, it was actually just good as it felt our parents picked the right school for each of us rather than seeing us as a homogenous group. We all ended up at equally impressive universities.

The pros for us younger ones was that our parents had more spare money, so we got far more extra curricular activities and holidays than if we had all gone /stayed private.

Gaspode and Essential, that would be the very good state school I ended up at while my DSis ended up privately educated.

The 'Hams are lovely roads, Essential, and there's what used to be a very good primary school up and over the top of the roundabout; E-W (but it's not the feeder school to the secondary).

And let's face it, how many PMs have we had that went to state school?

Since the 70s seven have been state educated and two have been privately educated.

LittleIda off point but is your user name from the story "Little Ida's Flowers"?

The assumption here is that the state school is lesser. The OP has stated that she actually prefers it and it was her preferred choice for her eldest but circumstances meant that it didn't happen. That is a good enough reason to send him.

Posters also assume that parents sending one to a state secondary and one to a private school are offering vastly different experiences when in many cases that's not true. If you've one in a private school for whatever reason and one in a comprehensive which gets near on 90% of year 11's getting 5 GCSES including English and maths and of those about 70% are A* to B and then virtually the whole of the 6th form are off to really good Uni's and they're still doing the ski trip and the Spanish exchange and duke of Edinburgh and the county netball and national music competitions how is that problematic? Doing the right thing for each child is not always about spending the same money on them at the same time.

That's right Pallisers. I like the name Ida.

I've got 3 kids and I think you pick the best school for each individual child - which is what you have appeared to have done. Its not a case of we've only got money for 1 set of private school fees and we'll pick 1 child. Its a question of what is the best alternative. A good state primary can often be the optimum choice as it gives a better chance to form local friendships, experience diversity etc; however, if a slot in a good school isn't available then private may be a great alternative if you can afford it. I send my 2 DDs to a private primary (although they did yrs R to yr 2 in a state school). My DS didn't get accepted to their private primary as he has ASD. He thrives in the local state school. I hope he will go to the local mainstream comprehensive. My DDs ideally I hope one gets into grammar and if she does I will send the other one private (to a very small nuturing school). I have thought about each of them and have tried to achieve the best for each of them - there hasn't been an ounce of favouritism in it - which ultimately as a parent is all you can for your children. It sounds like you are doing the same. YANBU

YANBU
If you don't plan on private secondary for either DC then I think it's fine.