WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

A lot of the anecdotes on this thread seem to be about families where one or more of the children didn't feel equally loved by their parents. This suggests to me that there were problems there regardless of school choices
Yes this is true, and quite frankly I think they're being big babies to be STILL bitter about it, they've all done okay in life anyway..

However in my family there have also been siblings who chose different secondaries or didn't get into the same ones and it's not the same dynamic at all because its got nothing to do with parental preference or unfair division of finances IYKWIM

I have sent my 3 DC to different schools depending on what was right for the individual child.
And yes-that meant that one DS was being privately educated while the other DS was not (his choice and 100% right-fantastic school, catered for his less mainstream sport and he has technically gotten into a better Uni than privately educated son)
State V Private is only one part of the choice-lots of other things go into that decision. If you are happy where each of your children are I would absolutely do it again.
I think if handled openly and everyone is happy then no reason for any issues.

I think it depends on the child and what suits them best, my sister and I were both sent to private schools but I would have probably done better in state. My eldest ds is autistic and in state school, he is really happy and I will not move him but ds2 is very different, and we are considering a prep school for him as smaller classes etc, sport etc.
I totally understand arguments for both but ultimately it's important to think of your children as individuals. If the eldest loved rugby or football and the younger one loved drama would you make them both do it so they are given same opportunities? As long as you try and make sure they are given the same chances to excel and be happy in whatever they do and ensure they know they are loved and valued whatever there strengths that's the main thing

As a teacher I would say that boys constantly get advantages within the education system

I was sent to private school and my younger brother wasn't.

The difference in our outcomes is massive. I'm a partner in a professional firm earning 6 figures, married, kids etc. DB was unemployed for most of his 20s and part of his 30s, and moved back home after uni for long stretches. He has had depression - partly he says because his self-esteem was low having no job, claiming benefits etc. In his mid-30s he doesn't have a partner or kids.

My parents had good reasons for making the choice they made, and my brother bought into that totally. But I don't think they would do it again. I certainly wouldn't.

GertrudeBell - do you really mean going to State school = being unemployed for long periods and being depressed?
But Private = no mental health and a successful career?

Because even the most ardent advocate of private education on MN I've known so far wouldn't put it quite like that.

DH went to a failing state school and still has a fabulous career, great qualifications etc. And lots of private school pupils I know suffer from depression.

DS won scholarships and bursaries to enable him to be privately educated. The state system was most definitely wrong for him.
DD sat the scholarship exam, passed and was adamant she was not going to THAT school! She wanted to stay at the state school with her friends and is happily settled.

Both very different children with very different needs, attending very different schools that meet those needs.

Why should there be resentment?

Mummytime - no. That's not what I said at all.

I said my DB and I had totally different outcomes and with hindsight we would do it differently.

You really shouldn't put words in people's mouths. This type of tendentious post is increasingly making Mumsnet an unpleasant place to have conversations.

How do you think things would have turned out for your brother if he'd gone private?

Hi OP, I am in almost exactly the same situation as you! The state school ds got a place in is lovely and was always our first choice for both of them (although dd obviously didn't get a place).

We've decided to go for the state option for ds, however dd has been on the waiting list for the state school for 3 years, so she will be at the top of the list once ds starts (due to sibling link) and it is our intention to move her if a place becomes available. They will both be privately educated for secondary school.

The chances are that he would have hung out with a cohort of people who didn't truant / take drugs etc, and would have been less likely to do that himself.

He would have had more one-on-one attention in a smaller class size. The attention might have stopped a nice quiet boy from slowly dropping out of the academic and school social picture. Perhaps the bullying would have been noticed.

More would have been expected from him in terms of quality and quantity of homework which I think would have helped his work ethic.

I think he might have emerged with better grades and better habits and that that would have been a better foundation for adult life.

OP I think your logic is sound and completely reasonable. What you've described has just been down to circumstance and if it had been the other way around, you likely would be sending DS to the private nursery/primary if he hadn't gotten his 1st/2nd state choice, whilst if DD had got into her 1st/2nd choice, you'd have happily sent her there.

Don't overthink it - do what makes logical sense, and be open with both of them at all times about the reasons so they don't start speculating over the years.