WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

Well my girls both went to state primary schools. The older one took the 11+ and passed (no coaching or tutoring). And she went to the girls grammar school and did very well.
Younger daughter did not sit the 11+ because we felt it would be too much for her. She is very beight but we felt would struggle at grammar and for her it was more important to stay with friends. She went to the local secondary, and also did very well. Going onto 6th form college in our local town, whereas elder daughter stayed at the grammar for 6th form, but it was mixed, joinging in with the boys grammar.
I don't think you would have a problem apart from maybe just the logistics of attending 2 different school. If you can afford to pay for both then send the, private.

Send him state for infants and private for juniors. But ask him when he's in year 2 what he would prefer to do

Given that you intend to send both children to state secondaries I don't see that it's an issue because they will probably be too young to notice the differences or feel any resentment (unless others point the difference out to them) especially if you are positive in equal measure about what each of their respective schools offer.

My ex OH was privately educated. His sisters weren't. They loathe him and used to make snide comments about him and their parents. His parents deserved it. He didn't.

Whatever you decide OP, it's not the worst first world problem to have!

Because I think they should go to the same school, and as you have said that 2 in private would be hard for you, then 2 in state would be better.

If, actually, you could send DS to the same school as her (and he has similar educational needs), then do that instead. I had just inferred from your posts that this would be difficult for you.

Equality based on need (not want - staying with friends is a want, not a need) uis what you should be aiming for.

If your DS or DD had a SEN that was better catered for in 1 school rather than the other, then you should send them to different schools based on their needs. But you seem to want to send them to different schools based on your own wants, which is not the same.

Just do it OP. I went to comp, and my db boarded. The environments we were in suited us. No resentment either, and I am 51 and he is 48.

My dc went to state primaries but some made it to selective state secondaries and some didn't. The ones that didn't have gone to private schools. As far as I can tell there is no resentment from any of them.

I would also say that when my nephew told my DS that we obviously didn't love him as much as his parents loved HIM, because we didn't pay for DS's education, my nephew must have been around 7, if that. Don't think that children of primary age don't know about different school types - they do.

Please don't do it

I was sent to a school that wasn't deemed good enough for my slightly younger, more academic, younger brother. I felt like I wasn't as important. It was a horrible feeling.

My parents have since tried to convince me to do the same to my Sons, my eldest being particularly academic. Over my dead body will it happen . They either both went or neither go!

well I went to a private school and my brother went to the local comp and he never got over it.
After five or six years I got sick of being mocked and punched so I demanded to leave and go to the local school.
I have seen my brother once in 15 years, he spent our last meeting telling me between clenched teeth about the very very good private school his children were going to. I would have laughed if it hadn't been so tragic.

Agreeing with pp's who say to try and educate them the same way.

DH, who is generally a reasonable person still harbours resentment for being the only one of his brothers who wasn't privately educated. He's the eldest and by the time his other siblings came along, his parents financial situation had changed.

It's awful, it still gets thrown around and as a 30 year old man he still feels he wasn't given the opportunities given to his other siblings.

There are a family on our village who sent their last of 6 children to private school.It still causes resentment now amongst the siblings I know who live locally even though they are in their 60s.they have all had manual jobs and the private school one was white collar.

"Today 21:00 SovietKitsch

The idea that this is a problem seems to be predicated on the basis that the private school is bound to be better than the state school and so that child is receiving an advantage that the other unfairly isn't. But the reality isn't that sample, many private schools aren't even as good as the best state schools and the OP has said the private school isn't particularly a better school."

Exactly this

DSis and I went to different schools from y5 - she was moved to a prep and then private, I stayed state and did the y7 transfer to a very good state school. It worked absolutely fine, we understood the reasons and to be honest we were much more likely to be resentful at that age than we would have been under 11!

I think you've got good reasons for doing what you're doing, and would carry on as you are - provided you can do the logistics of being in two places for dropoff/pickup at the same time!

Dead, which is why I don't understand why she isn't looking to move her DD to the state school?

I think it's fine. You say both kids will be in state schools for secondary. I doubt one will resent the other. I went to private from 9 but my sister was happier at the state primary than I had been so they moved her at 11. We both understood the reasons why.

Leave your dd where she is.
Ensure your ds gets the opportunities out of school. My children attend a state school but have private music lessons etc after school. Hire a tutor for the 11+ for Ds.

only you know your family situation well enough to be able to decide if this will cause resentment etc.. you have to be totally honest with yourself about the reasons for sending dc to certain schools.
I have 2 sons, 17 months apart, very very different.
DS1 was always an academic high flyer, and G&T in various subjects,,, DS2 dyspraxic, with social issues.
At secondary, We chose a grammar for ds1, and bog standard comp for ds2, that doesn't look great on paper, but we thought was a really good fit for him.
Ds1 is now in 6th form of his school, and has done as well as expected, but no more...
ds2 is about to take his GCSE's, expected to do brilliantly, and is moving to an even better grammar school for his 6th form.
no bitterness between them, no resentment. We have been totally honest with them about our decisions though, which were only made at secondary and not primary level. I think it probably helps to discuss it all out in the open and involve them in the decisions.

I'm one of 4 and we all went to different kinds of schools state, grammar, private and top public school - no resentment from any of us about who went where and most successful was the one who went predominantly state.

My husband's family are the same.

I only have the one DD and while she is currently at state school she will probably be going to a very specialist private school at 11. If we had more than one child, unless they happened to have the same combination of a specific talent and personality then they would not have the option of the same school. We would try to ensure that they got equally good opportunities according to what suited them but it would be different.

I also think there is far more likely to be potential resentment about where children go for secondary rather than primary.

Good luck!

I went to state grammer. Both siblings went to private schools. No problems between us. Treating siblings fairly does not always mean treating them exactly the same.

Personally I'd do what's best for the child. If you think he'd be happier at the state school then go for it. If you feel guilty maybe put some money aside for uni help or something for when he's older incase he needs it. If not, then you could use that money for some big family holidays for everyone.

cant because I know she wouldn't be happy. She's 9. She is in clubs/has friends, etc. as much as you say you know kids do fine on transition, not all children do. She isn't the type of child who just settles in and makes friends quickly. She's shy and wouldn't appreciate a move of school. I'd rather pay the fees for DS for the 7 years and just be a bit tight for money.

Some people I suppose are basing this on private being better. I love her school, I really do, but I definitely wouldn't say it's better. Again, it's only 'better' because her clubs are pretty much covered at school, apart from a few, but I'd have no issue taking DS to dance, etc. if he wanted to. The state school offers football teams, cricket teams, etc. and music lessons so not that much different, apart from again the dance exams and drama ones.

Also, lots are comparing this to different secondaries.

Thanks for the comments, I have a lot to think about!

My parents did this with me and my sibling and it's feels dreadful from a child's perspective

Those of you who sa you've done this and there's no resentment between your children are absolutely kidding yourselves. Having gone to independent school and now teaching in one I know many families in this situation and it's never right.

My ILS sent 3 kids to state school and the last 2 (including DH) independent and the resentment is enormous from the oldest 3. Their parents would say everything is fine as they would never admit it.

I feel so strongly about this that we won't be having a 3rd DC as we couldn't do for 3 what we can do for 2.

My sister and I went to a state school; my brother a private prep and then a boarding school. No issue whatsoever. I also was given the choice to switch at around 13 but didn't want to. I liked my school and my friends. He was happy at his school too and it suited him much better. Neither of us resents the other (not about this anyway :) ) nor our parents.

In your particular circumstances where you are clearly not favouring one child over the other but it is how the circumstances have lined up, I would definitely keep going as you are and send them to different schools. Just stay alert to any signs that it bothers either of them (which I'm sure you would).