WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

What is state school kid ends up a drug addict and private school kid ends up Prime Minister? Ok, both scenarios unlikely but a watered-down version could happen

Because no one who ever went to a sate school became |Prime Minister and no one who ever went to private school became a drug addict?

The Op is talking about primary/prep not secondary schools

*private too
*couldnt

How many children are currently in Y4 at the school your DS is going to? How is the waiting list arranged (siblings, catchment, distance, religion?) and what position would you be on it if you applied (remembering that waiting list is by admissions criteria not by length of time)? How many children have left that year group since year R, and how many have come in?

You may think that you don't want to disrupt your DD's friendships, or be worried about your DS joining a class where he hasn't been at nursery. Honestly, don't worry. I work in a school with reasonable turnover, and at your DD's age, you can't tell who the new child is after about a week, if that. At your DS's age, a day at most - 3-4 year old friendships don't tend to be particularly tight, and if they are, you can keep them going through playdates etc.

Sorry, X-opost.

Yes, your DD will be sad to leave her friends - but she will make new ones, and can keep the old ones through playdates etc. Genuinely, we have children coming and going all the time, including from a nearby private school, and they integrate and make new friends extremely quickly.

Really not a good idea, OP.

If you can afford to, send your DS private while he's still young enough to adapt. Friendships in nursery/reception are so fluid that it won't make much difference to him in social terms.

I grew up in an area with super-selective grammar schools. I got a place in one but my parents realised my younger sister was very unlikely to do so. So they sent me to a private school miles away as that's what they thought would be best for her, and they wanted to do the same for both of us.

So, I missed out on going to a local school, where I could make local friends, in order to attend the school which suited my sister best. Am I resentful? Yes. My parents should have sent me to the state grammar and my sister to the private one rather than fucking up my education so that we were treated "equally".

Do what's best for each of your children separately, OP.

In my family all three of us went to different schools for different good reasons. One at private two at state. No resentment - no issues at all. In fact the one that went to private school got the worst results!

We have considered this to be honest, we have two very different children, one who seems to fit in anywhere, get on with everyone, enjoys work at school and is good at it, etc; and one who struggles more to fit in, finds friendships difficult and school work very hard. The first i think would reach potential at state school and enjoy it, the second may not and I'd seriously consider private for him. I worry that he'd get 'lost' in the large state schools and the smaller private environment would suit better and help him thrive.

We have exactly the same. The one who finds it easy is the youngest and we can afford all the fees so we sent her private too but if we couldn't have afforded to, I wouldn't have sweated it too much and I certainly wouldn't have removed her older sister from an environment in which she was managing to send her back to state school where she was going under. How is that fair? The younger one already has significant advantages in managing school.

My son's best friend went private for primary (same place as my kids - lovely school). his sister went to the local state. She is super intelligent/social/competent and has done brilliantly all the way through. He struggled with massive adhd. If they could only afford one set of fees, should he be left to flounder in a big school with less flexibility?

'Disadvantaged would be a very strong word - 'temporarily a little sad', though very possibly made up for by being the excitement of the week at the new school and having girls queuing up to be partner with 'the new girl'.

Educationally, if you feel she would be disadvantaged that is obviously a different question, but if she is disadvantaged by the transfer of schools, you are acknowledging that your son would be disadvantaged by attending the state school....

Please don't do this, it's terrible. I went to a private school, and the son of a vicar was sent there. His 2 sisters weren't. I later moved to a boarding school where his dad then got the minister job, my friend and both his (older) sisters then all got free places as staff kids, just awful. Such resentment, and so unfair.

Oh no definitely not.

My friend has four children. Each one went to a completely different school.
One went to a boarding school some distance away
Next went to local state school
Third went to a state boarding school as a weekly boarder.
Last one just finishing as a day pupil at a local superb private school.

The school run was challenging but the schools were chosen for the individual child and they are all very happy. Pick the school that you think is right for the individual child.

DS starts in Reception in September when DD will be in Y5?

Your DS will have no concept of private vs state schools at that age. My DS goes to a Prep and he has no idea that we pay money for him to go to school and other people don't do that. As far as he is concerned he just goes to school. Just tell him he's going to that school because he got in and DD didn't.

By the time your DS understands, your DD will be back in the State system and before long, if he questions it, he will be able to understand why they went to different schools.

also think you need to think about what your DS needs - not what you as a family might prefer. The reasons you have given so far - cost etc - are about the family, not about him, and pre-school friendships really aren't something to base school choice on.

I can understand different schooling based on different needs. But not on slightly different historical nursery logistics, and pre-school friendships...

cant not disadvantaged by the school at all. It's the school I wanted her to go to! I honestly wouldn't say either school is better.

It seems like the people posting about resentment are usually WRT secondary?

They will both most likely attend the same secondary.

I prefer it to the grammars.

The idea that this is a problem seems to be predicated on the basis that the private school is bound to be better than the state school and so that child is receiving an advantage that the other unfairly isn't. But the reality isn't that sample, many private schools aren't even as good as the best state schools and the OP has said the private school isn't particularly a better school.

I'd trust your judgment OP based on your knowledge of these individual schools. It sounds like they'll both end up in state secondary schools and primary aged children are less likely to have an understanding of the differences anyway.

StillDriving yes of course the opposite scenario could happen. But do you really think that if the state school kid becomes prime minister, then the private school kid is going to be bemoaning her ecpducztion?

And let's face it, how many PMs have we had that went to state school?

Why are you so sure she won't get into the state primary at this point? Where is she on the waiting list? Has she been on it all along, and how much has it moved?

I don't see it as a massive problem. Treat each child as an individual, if there's no discernible difference then send him to the state school. There's a big enough age gap that he won't care to start with and by the time he's older you can always choose to send him to the prep school in KS2. Also during KS1 you will still be able to change your mind if you think his needs aren't being met at the state school.

Janice Having been through both systems, the government minister I was with is state educated and the druggies were all private, as they had the cash to afford it. Major, Brown, Callaghan etc...

Just popping on here to reassure you that I feel no real grudges against my older brothers (1st had a scholarship to a fairly good public boarding, next brother travelled to a grammar and I went to the local comp). There was quite an age gap, so I didn't really notice until Uni.

I probably have more of an issue about wills (I have one kid, my brothers have 2 each) and the money will be skipping a generation to be split equally amongst grandchildren.

I understood that we couldn't afford some things (and it probably helped me to make sure `i could).

I know a family that did it for secondary - very different kids with different needs and the kids were part of the process of choosing.

In your situation I'd probably be tempted to sent them to different schools - but I have 3 kids and my worst nightmare was them at different primary schools, if nothing else than for logistical reasons of dropping them off/picking them up.

cant no, she hasn't. She isn't on any other waiting list. I will contact the schools and ask though, as I admit, I don't 100% know she won't get a place but I can't imagine it being less than a year and then she'll be going into year 6?

cant why are you so eager for my daughter to move? Genuine question? I can't see that doing any good. She is happy with where she is and it would be very mean to move her, IMO. I would do that to any child unless I had to and like I say, I'd rather send DS to the same school than move her as moving her surely is just going to make problems the other way around? It has nothing to do with the state school, like I said, the 2 preferred state schools were always my first choice with both children. They are equally as good but do offer less in music/sports due to them doing graded dance for example, but DS could do that outside of school, so to me there really isn't a difference.

"As a social experiment you should do this. You should also ensure private school child always gets brand new clothes and state school child hand me downs. Ditto IPhone 7 / Nokia, etc etc."

Doris you seem to be very convinced that private = better.

OP, I'm surprised at the responses you are getting here. Your reasons are very valid. Provided you are sensitive to both your children and open about the reasons, I don't see why it couldn't work.

Definitely don't move your daughter away from where she's happy and settled!

It's all a bit ridiculous.

I'd trust your judgment OP based on your knowledge of these individual schools. It sounds like they'll both end up in state secondary schools and primary aged children are less likely to have an understanding of the differences anyway.

This.
I've known lots of people, even pairs of twins, who went to different schools, and they fared equally well in life with no problem.

It's not like you plan sending your son to the inadequate school you didn't want for your daughter.

You'll send them both to schools you consider adequate.