WIBU to send 1 child to private and 1 child to state?

[MadeleineandIsaac]

DD is currently at a private school (she's currently in form/year 4) it's for ages 1-11. A bit of a backstory: we tried to get her into the outstanding nursery that was close to us and although having her name down from birth, we couldn't get the days we needed as there were children who would be going full time who got priority, we hated all the other nurseries apart from the one attached to this specific prep school so we managed to get her in. She went there from 1-3 and we had applied for 2 of the outstanding primaries, she didn't get a place in either and we got allocated a religious, inadequate school that we hated when we went to look around, so we decided to keep her on at the school she was going to nursery at. It's been great.

DS is 4 and has been going to the nursery that we wanted to get DD into. He has just received a place at his second choice (an outstanding school that's lovely) which is one of the schools we wanted DD to go to. Lots of children at his nursery will be going and it's the one of the local ones in the village (DD's is a drive away, but isn't particularly far).

She'll be attending a state secondary school (as we are really lucky and the one that covers our whole area is outstanding and just generally a great school). However, she will be doing the 11+ as her prep pretty much starts teaching them from year 4-6. If she gets into one of the grammar schools, she will probably go there.

Would it be really mean to send DS to the school he has got? It's such a nice school. We could afford to send him to the private (just about) but honestly, I'm not sure it has much more benefits. Yes, the sports, music and other opportunities are better, but as he didn't go to that nursery he won't have any friends moving up with him, etc. I suppose there are pros and cons to both.

WIBU?

I agree with INXS. If the OP does decide to take her DD out of a school at which she is happy, purely in the interests of "sibling equality" that certainly could lead to longstanding resentment on the part of the DD if she isn't happy at her new school. Unless the OP is also planning to force her DS to move away from a primary school at which he is happy and settled at the end of Year 4, she won't be treating her children equally in any event.

I think resentment builds either (a) when one child is the "golden child" and bestowed with favoured status for no good reason; or (b) when private school requirements use up so much of the family budget that there is hardly anything left for the child not at private school. There is no suggestion that will be the case here. In this case, the OP has perfectly sensible reasons for sending her children to different schools, which she can explain to the children when they are older.

OP, I think you are getting some very bad advice on this thread, partly because people are recalling very different scenarios of one child being sent to a private school and one to a state school, and then projecting that on to your very different situation.

NB If you were looking at moving a primary school child from a state primary school at which he/she was happy to a private school, I would also think that was a wrong decision if it was being done in the interests of sibling equality and for no other reason.

I don't think it's a problem.
Equal treatment is not always fair.
I have sent one to private (very academic child) state school didn't do the subjects she wanted. Started state, but very unhappy.
Next child state as she wouldn't pass the selection. Didn't go into sixth form. Not interested in academic learning. She was happy at the state school.

Why would I make life more unpleasant for one child because her sister wasn't capable of passing the selection?

We made the decision if dc1 didn't get into the school we wanted we were going to use a 'trust fund' set up by my Gran before she died to privately educate. (I wish we bloody had now but that's another story.)

The 'trust fund' would have covered one dc in private education but not both. So the money would had to have been split between them and us paying a top up which we just can't afford.

That doesn't help really only you know your children and if this would work.

Absolutely if you want to send them to different schools. Last year I had all three of my girls in different schools for different reasons using a mix of private and state. One system does not suit all needs for all individuals and so long as you don't make an issue out of it your DS will probably not even notice. Do the best for each child at each stage whatever that is.

I think it would be very cruel for you to do this. YWBVVVU.

What are you able to explain why? as I'm just trying to make arguments for both!

Lot of hysteria here. My children went to the same nursery school and primary school. My daughter then got a place at a very good girls' state secondary school. Obviously my son (younger) couldn't go there. The state school that could offer us a place was way down our list of preferences and as he had won a scholarship to a very good private school we sent him there. Both our children understood the position and as far as I know neither resented it. They're both in their 20s now. My daughter got a First and is now doing a Master's with a view to doing a Ph.D. Not disadvantaged by her state comp in the slightest.

I went to a private school from the age of 7. At that age I really had no concept of fee paying/non fee paying schools and as far as I knew, it was just a nice school that I'd had to do some exams to get into. One day some snotty kid next door asked me if I went to a private school 'because I do, my school is very very private' Later I asked my mum if our neighbour's son went to a school for spies or something She then told me that I was at a private school and I was very confused!

Point is, at primary school I really don't think kids should put a lot of emphasis on the types of school they go to.

Later on my sister went to a state school for a while, while I was still at the private one. It wasn't a case of favouring me over her, it was just what worked best for both of us at the time. I have mixed feelings about private school in general nowadays, but I think pulling one child out of school just to keep things 'fair' with the other one sounds a bit daft.

The age gap is big enough that I don't think DC2 would be aware of the difference beyond "we wanted your sister to go to X primary, but she didn't get a place, so she went to Y school. We were really lucky you got a place at X primary, so that's why you are there." Your DC1 will have gone to (state) secondary by the time your DC2 starts year 2, which is the earliest I think he would really 'get' private/state distinctions.

If you can only afford 1 in private comfortably, at the point your DC1 leaves primary school you could move DC2 as many prep schools have a 7+ intake (so start of year 3) if you aren't happy with DC2's school.

I can see us having this problem - there's a great girls' secondary nearby, but co-ed options are still finding their feet after a difficult few years. IMO each school needs to be right for that child, and you can end up harming one or both in a fruitless search for equality.

I think it's interesting that when people ask on MN whether preps are worth it the majority vote is usually 'no' because the education is the same and you can 'top up' extra curriculars with the money you save.

Then, when you ask if it's ok to send one to a prep and one to a state it's dreadfully cruel...

Hello, EssentialHummus, I hope all is well with you. Odd you should mention that girls' school, as that's the one my daughter went to!

Just want to point out that there is one fantastic co-ed option half a mile or so from our area. Unfortunately it is one of the most oversubscribed schools in the country, but it is there and the odd child from our area does get in. We would have sent our son there in a heartbeat. If you have a son and he is musical, encourage that. They have a small allocation of places for children with musical aptitude.

In this case the state school was the first choice school for both DC, the first didn't get in and went private. I don't think k it's unreasonable to send second there, but equalise things like extra curricular provision outside school if needed. If second child doesn't get on well there for any reason, then you can move them to the private later on. I doubt children will have resentment if any at junior age, but if at any stage it looks like it's causing a problem, change.

I went to state junior, my elder siblings both went private, I went to state secondary, eldest son went private, middle sib state. No real resentment at all.

Childhood is the building block for adulthood - and it seems one child would have far more of a sturdy foundation in life, than the other.

Private schooling is always going to offer a better quality of education and there will be more opportunities for one child that the other will not get.

No this does not seem fair from the childs point of view - it does send out a clear message that one child is having all this time, money and effort pumped in, and the other is being sent to the free school - this could be extremely damaging for the non privileged child as they aren't being given anywhere near the same lifestyle

This happened in the older generation of my family. There's still bitterness about it.

She's only got years 5 and 6 to go?
Of course leave her be! And be prepared to tutor is needs be later. Would your son even notice ?

I wouldn't do this no, it can as others have said cause huge issues. I had a childminder who did it, they started off and put their eldest daughter in to private then when it came to it and son came along they couldn't afford it and he went to state. She massively outperformed him and the resentment was huge. The fact she outperformed him could have happened irrelevant of school but the Preferential treatment and difference in school drove a huge division. It's either both of them or neither of them in my book.

What Kitten said. It is how you explain it, at whatever point that is. Your DS is too young to understand the concept of a fee paying school. Your DD only has 2 years left and is then going to a state school, and the reasons for keeping her there are more valid than moving her now. I doubt that by the end of Y1, your DS will even have a concept of state vs private to feel hard done by. He will just see that they are at different schools, which given the age gap, will be the case for the majority of their school life anyway.

It isn't as if you are keeping one private until 18 and putting the other into a failing sink school as some kind of social experiment.

My (eldest) sister went to private school, and my 2 brothers and I went to the local state school. It was never an issue, and thoughts of favouritism never crossed my mind, then, or now. I think this is because of how our parents treated us overall - it was very obvious when we growing up that we were all loved equally and that decisions were made for each of us on an individual basis according to what was right for that child.
Now I have 3 children of my own, and, I hope that I will make decisions in the same way as my parents did, thinking about what is best and right for them as individuals.

I'll admit I'm an only child and dd is only 7 months so no experience at all.

But if your dd is in year 4 now, that will mean she will be in year 5 when your ds starts reception, yes?
So potential they would have two years at the same school before your dd went to secondary?

I wouldn't move your dd for her last two years.
I wouldn't be concerned about ds going to a different school either.
For one surely at his age now he won't even be aware one is private and one isn't, will he?
He's most likely be happiest going where his friends go and I think if it's brought up at all later in life you can easily explain why you did it. His sister didn't get a good school so you went private, he got offered a good where his friends were going so he went there.

I don't believe equality means treating people the same.
You're doing what's best at the time for both your children, they will see that as they grow up.

I've noticed before that the official Mumsnet line on this is 'no way', but it worked fine in my family. My parents sent one of us state and one private, choosing the school that suited each of us best. We were both very happy in our respective schools and wouldn't have wanted to move to have what the other was having. Incidentally, that's how I feel about state vs private anyway: it's not always that the private school is better, but it's about choice and finding the right school for each child.

IMO if it is good state school, what is the real issue? You're choosing the right school at the right time for your child/ren. I know a lot of people who have one or more DCs spread between each type of school because the catchment areas haven't worked out, and they don't have any problems. And friends who were in the same situation. A lot of private pupils also play in sports clubs out of their school.

If you had made a value judgement ie. one DC deserves it more than the other - that's a different story, and you haven't.
If the state school was not good, that's also another story. But children can thrive in both types of school - they're just schools at the end of the day. Do what you feel is best for your family. If two at independent will mean you have a lower quality of life, that is also a negative.
If your children grow up knowing they were both at excellent schools, how can they have an issue?

OP I really don't think different primaries will make any difference to the children's feelings provided you make it clear to your DS that he was lucky to get into his nursery and primary school which you think are great places and your first choice. DD was sent to the other school because she didn't get a place at his school. As the children get older you can tell them your plan was not for private ed but that you were forced into a corner. If your children feel secure and loved and do not otherwise feel you favour one over the other why should they feel resentment? I suspect that in the cases quoted, where life long resentment between siblings was generated from private vs state education, that the seeds of sibling rivalry were already sown. I think that being of different genders will also make direct comparisons less.
Good luck with your decision