Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

[user123345]

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

Mummyof Then you would have read about the amount of weeks he's spent away verses been home, and about the lack of communication on his behalf.

Ok so you clearly think he is having an affair. So talk to him.

As he is away so much it may simply be he knew you'd react badly so bottled telling you. The personal grooming thing is a concern though.

My boss travels all the time and I'm aware his wife is pissed about it, but it's not as simple as he can just tell others to do it, he has to lead by example, he would be seen as failing if he didn't and it would be very difficult to work in the sort of role he does without travel, he is under a huge amount of pressure from both his job and his wife and quitting and going and working in another field isn't the easy answer.

sarah there is lack of communication on both parts.

All - if I book an evening to talk about it he will say I am going over the same ground and I need to move on. He thinks this is totally normal behaviour. He will refuse point blank to discuss it.

There is a lack of communication on both sides, he was trying to speak to her and couldn't because of the battery issue. I do agree going away over night with no house keys and no charger is relatively odd and I wonder if sub consciously she was wishing to be out of touch and to force him to have to be there when she got back.

Sarah

Yes I did. Having a partner travelling that much is shit. Obviously. I think ops dh has shut down communication because he knows it will end in an argument. I don't have access to her dh to ask him to sit down, stop avoiding the difficult stuff and talk to his wife. Only op. I can guarantee unless and until one of them changes their communication, nothing will change. Instead of blaming eachother, they need to talk. I can't comment on the affair stuff as I don't know. However the bottom line is nothing will be resolved until op and her dh talk without the anger and resentment.

If he refuses to discuss it, is this because he thinks it will turn into an argument?

I often go out without keys as when he is home he works from home ... me being without keys isn't abnormal (we don't lock our door when we leave for example)

Op you shouldn't have to 'book' an evening to discuss it.
I don't think it's your fault that the communication is down, he sounds arrogant and cold if you ask me.

I don't think he sounds arrogant and cold, I think he sounds like he's trying to avoid arguments where he can't change the outcome.

I actually think booking an evening to discuss it is a good idea.

If you insist on doing this over texting cant you just tell him that you would have prefered him to have told you on thursday. And go from there

Bluntness but it's not hard to reassure your wife. Just answering abruptly doesn't help, it just fuels the fire.
He needs to make time to talk to her and explain the Sunday travel arrangements, rather then leave her to stew about it.

sarah. It may come across as arrogant and cold but why would her husband put his head on the block to cause an argument, which as bluntness said he can't change the outcome?

Clan - where in the world do you live ?

Away enough to be lucky to see my family once in a year. As my DH comes from yet another country we also have to juggle visits to his country plus us wanting to have a holiday on our own. Zero family support around, I have my friends on FB and that's how we keep in touch.
It wasn't easy and we both get homesick but we cope because we decided to establish our lives here and our daughter feels at home here.

I don't get why everyone is telling the OP to wash her husband's team kit??? He knew he was going to be away all week and just left it there assuming she would do it.

Why on earth didn't he put it in the wash himself on Saturday?

As for everything else, I really don't understand why so many people think it's ok to just disappear to another country without telling your wife. He could have at least sent her a text. If he had seen her keys, he should have left them out somewhere so she could let herself in. Anything else is just shitty, selfish behaviour!

My DH often goes out without a key and it drives me around the bend, but I would still never leave the country and lock him out of the house. I would always check he had a key to get in, because that is what nice people who are in a partnership do!!

Well YANBU to be a little annoyed he kept the work trip from you and I would ask him to make you aware asap in future. Can you set up a shared calendar on phones and he can update so you have access to te latest info?

You keep minimising the key thing. Seriously OP it's not normal to go out without your keys. Furthermore, if I had a DH who was out of the country regularly I would make sure I had a spare set at a friends or in a key safe in case I lost mine. The charger is more debatable, I wouldn't go out overnight without mine as all it takes is a bit of time in a dodgy signal
area network searching to drain your battery but that's me.

Anyhow, raise the lack of info/communication with him, the rest is your fault.

Sarah. Did you read upthread about the woman i talked about, who screamed at her dh when he arrived through the door?. No reassuring was possible in this marriage, because her dh shut down. I'm not saying op is screaming at her dh. But he's shut down. He's unable to reassure his wife. Maybe he's a wanker and always has been like this. Idk. But coming at it from the angle of what he should have done won't change anything in ops marriage. This is not a time for pointing fingers and arguing.

Don't wash the kit! If OP was a trailing spouse and household was her 'job' then fair enough. But she works and he had all weekend to wash the kit. Bundle in the corner of dirty kit on Friday will make the point clearly.

Do the washing. It's just household stuff and will be in your face pissing you off every time you go near the washing machine otherwise. That's not the issue.

He was a knob not to let you know, but he couldn't get hold of you. In those circs I would expect him to have sent a text saying 'tried to phone but can't get you, Dave has booked flights for
Sun not Mon so won't see you. Hope you've had fun' or similar.

Keys - he should have noticed, but didn't. Annoying but not surprising, especially if he was focused on getting ready for his trip and wasn't noticing the wider world around him.

I don't think accusatory texts help. He's likely to be aware that he's been a knob and that there's not much he can do about it now, therefore feel defensive. I'd raise it with him in a pretty low key way when he's back. Ask him to tell you next time, even if it is a text. I think he's been thoughtless but not necessarily more than that.

I don't get why everyone is telling the OP to wash her husband's team kit???

Everyone?

Not telling you was childish. And cowardly.

Rotorua is fantastic, I would totally arrive early there to spend a day looking at the thermal activity.

I realise that is not the point...

He could easily have told you he was going away so you knew to take keys and didn't expect him to be there when you got home. If he forgot then texted you to say 'sorry, forgot about work trip abroad, am leaving now', even that would be less weird. But doing it in the way he has is really odd.

If he won't talk about it, in your shoes I would try to do some digging and see if you can work out what's gone on. When things don't totally add up, there is usually a lie somewhere, could be a big one, could be a tiny one, but I'd have to try and find out.

Did he think you would cancel attending the hen do if he told you? Which would be one very good reason for not telling you earlier.

Soul yes I agree stunning part of the world - but he has been there maybe 100 times so no need to see the sights. He was recently in Singapore for work and I actively encouraged him to not fly in and fly out as it's an amazing city. He just phoned - it ended in a row and he's gone out for dinner without his phone as he needs some space ....