Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

I would be a bit pissed. I'd have a word and see if it could be rearranged.

Suck it up! Maybe she will babysit and you can go out for your birthday? 😉

Honestly? As an adult its just another day.

I would not say anything at all

I would personally suck it up and celebrate birthday the next week (unless her babysitting is an option).

Why, whether it's your birthday or not, will you be one cooking and cleaning when she comes to visit?

His DM, his (stupid, thoughtless) timing, his chance to host her and do the boring leg work.

This wouldn't remotely bother me, sorry. I'd just nominate another day as my "birthday

YANBU but it's easily resolved...he needs to rearrange or its a the perfect way for him to take you out for a slap up meal with a temporary live in babysitter

My birthday is not just another day. Only people on mn have this bizarre opinion that once you're an adult you shouldn't do anything fun to do with your birthday. I'd be expecting dh to delay my birthday and have something decent planned. I'd be pissed off at timing as I'd assume he forgot my birthday!

She babysits or you celebrate either before or after she stays or both!

No that's perfect. She babysits, you two go out. Make it known from now that's what you would like to happen.
I did this with my (x)MIL because after 2 days I was going to tear my hair out if I had to watch her sulk/complain/throw a pity partyany longer.

I would rearrange it. (I believe in celebrating special days and we all get to choose what we do on our day.)

Get her to babysit ; go out & enjoy a birthday dinner with hubby

This wouldn't bother me at all.

But cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to any perfectly capable adult would.

What will your DH be doing?

A perfect reason for dh to do all the cooking /playing host while you relax for your birthday. . And she can def babysit while you have a night out. .
And tell him to discuss the visits next time. .

Babysitting isn't an option - she's nosey AF and I can envisage her giving DD a pan full of boiling oil to hold while she roots through my cupboards (lighthearted!).

I'd be annoyed too OP. But if she can babysit I'd get DH to take me out for a proper celebration just the two of us so it might actually be really useful.

Though I wouldn't be a hand maid when she is here. She's family surely she'll just fit into what you guys normally do and not expect to be waited on hand and foot.

He does more than his share Worra. It's just more that we'll both be busy instead of relaxing

I've not read any previous posts by you and I'm not a MiL basher.

I'd tell Dh you're pissed off at the timing, you're upset, say something now before she arrives.

You're going to a lot of trouble to appease her and keep Dh happy so make sure you aren't being trodden on, speak up now.

Oh cross post. Then move your birthday this year. That's what I did so it was on a non work day, delayed my presents,kids and DH did me breakfast in bed then DH took me out in the evening ''twas lovely.

I would just say your post reads a little like you think it's an amazing thing to have equipped your spare room to host guests and be prepare to have your DH's mother to stay. Driving to collect her is generous for sure, but isn't the rest pretty normal?

Just do it this time and make sure it works out (don't be tempted to sulk or retaliate in any way ). Your DP must have forgotten just when it was being arranged.

Maybe as someone else said she will baby sit for you and your DH to go out.

I would be happy with this as surely she will babysit so you can go out? silver linings...

Thanks everyone. I'll suck it up and have my birthday when she's gone home. Asking her to babysit wouldn't go down well, she'll regard this trip as her doing us the favour.

It's not like I think we've done something amazing but there are other things we could have spent the money on. The trip was supposed to be in August but it's her turn to make the cakes for a group she belongs to so she sacked us off and now it's on my birthday.

I think it's the lack of regard that has hurt me.

Sorry missed

Babysitting isn't an option - she's nosey AF and I can envisage her giving DD a pan full of boiling oil to hold while she roots through my cupboards (lighthearted!).

Yeah i would be pretty pissed off in that case. I know a birthday is just another day but it tends to be one of the rare times I get to relax and (usually) go out.

I'd be properly pissed off that he has either forgotten your birthday or didn't stop to think 'That's not a good idea!'

Stop pandering to her. She can get a bloody train if she doesn't want to drive. 'Doesn't do public transport'. Tough fucking luck, she'll have to if she wants to see DH & DD.