Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

It's not fair to make a baby travel 600 miles for people who wouldn't do it for her.

Your dh needs a kick up the bum. He can't make his mum be the mum he wants her to be. Even by painting the spare room. And hurting his neck whilst talking to you is passive aggressive nonsense and needs sorting out too.

Lots of people are related to arseholes. I think as a parent you've a responsibility to minimise their impact on your own dcs.

It reads to me that your mil is making every excuse to not see you because she doesnt want to

Love, I know you think your husband is great apart from this one issue, but if you had a cup of tea with a speck of shit in it, would you drink it? That's what people are getting at here - he might be great apart from this one issue, but this one issue is bloody significant. He's basically saying he values his mum's feelings above yours. That is not what a good husband does.

Also, don't go out of your way to try to foster a relationship between DD and MIL. Last thing DD needs is a toxic person like MIL in her life.

A few things:

• definitely DON'T take time off when MIL is here (assuming she can't worm her way out of it, I'd lay good money she's sick on the day he's supposed to get her.) He wants you to use up leave to ve with this person who treats you horribly? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

• maybe you can ask him to see a counsellor with you to talk about how you can improve your relationship with his mother? (Not totally a lie, opening his eyes to what she is really like would improve the relationship.)

• if your DH wants you and DD to go up to visit with his family (who clearly all want to see any of you so much...) maybe you and she can take the train up, which would be much more pleasant for a toddler and give him and your MIL more time alone together in the car.

And as MN is fond of saying, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

God who are these women that turn into these MIL - where do they come from?!

You have my complete sympathy - reading your posts makes me want to thump your DH on your behalf. He needs to grow a backbone and tell her she's being a cunt.

I hope the one good outcome of MN is the production of a generation of MIL that don't act like comeplete arseholes.

Frillyhorseyknickers they start out like this from the start then become worse over time as people pander. I love my nan but she was very bad with the manipulative behaviour when my dad was a child. Over time it's grown.

Unfortunately the really toxic people always rewrite things and don't change regardless of age

Frilly my poor DH has one of these MILs. I can personally attest that she's been like that since long before she was anyone's MIL. She's always been a deeply fucked up woman. It didn't start upon my marriage .

My grandmother was like that before too. Divide and rule amongst her children. The children don't know any different, then someone else comes into the family and shines a light on their bad behaviour.

Why would you want this woman near your dd?!
What if in the future she wants her to stay unsupervised? Would you go along with that to keep dh happy?
You need some big girls pants. . Being a gm isn't a right. .

Stand up for your dd if you can't for yourself.

Your dh need to cut the apron strings. . His loyalties should be to you and dd not have you last. .