Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

Explain to him how you feel. Some people genuinely don't care about their own birthdays, (my boyfriend), and are a bit perplexed when other people do. There's no point if you are going to be miserable. She can come another time.

I think you have bigger issues - I don't think MIL wants to come at all. If she did want to come, then she would have got a train or whatever (there are loos on trains you know).

Have you considered that her reasons - loo on the train, no passport or photo id etc - are actually excuses and she doesn't want to see you? By your own admission she doesn't seem to care for you, perhaps these excuses are her way of avoiding contact? I certainly wouldn't be going to the lengths you're going to in your situation just because you think your DH deserves it. Don't bother.

And as an aside, we've taxied my MiL 300 miles before. It was the same price as the first class railway ticket.

Xpost with Mamia !

She will get a stomuch bug and cancel, or a similar impossible to travel event will come up.

She is taking the time to say loud and clear how involved she wants to be, im sorry your dh has this to come to terms with, its not a nice feeling at all and it isnt his fault in any way

If the week can not be moved it looks like you will have to sacrifice your usual birthday chill out, it sounds like your DH makes up for it in other ways.

I doubt you will relax the week before she arrives or at any time for the whole week she is there. No doubt all of your goodwill is going to be sapped out of you by the time she's gone and it will probably take you another week to recover.

I agree she sounds hard bloody work.

Is there no way your dh could just take the annual leave to entertain his own mother. Why do you both have to be there?

I don't really understand why you are doing any of this as she obviously isn't remotely bothered about seeing any of you.

There are GPs and Ps up and down this country who would crawl over broken glass to spend time with their DC and DGC.

This woman is just interested in getting her own way.

Perhaps on your birthday, MIL could go with you in the car, you could drop her and your DD at the cinema and enjoy a couple of hours with you DH, even if it was a quick drink and a sharing platter, before picking them up again. Least you get some child free/ MIL free time to celebrate and MIL isn't going to be alone picking over your house!

I think you need to not allow her to moan about not seeing DD...If she moans just say you're welcome to come anytime.

She has put so many barriers in place re not seeing DD she really cant complain. Does she drive ? If she doesn't have a photo license tell her to get one. Everytime she puts an excuse in place, giver her an answer

And dont wait on her

I can well imagine she doesn't want to pay for a taxi because you're running around her like loons and giving everything to her for free. She sounds very tight careful with money. My fil doesn't fly and drives to 3 hours to the Calais ferry, leaves his car, comes as a foot passenger and takes a prearranged taxi a couple of hundred miles. Ditto return. He has a very modest house etc so not loaded. Dh did pick him up once but decided it was too much as he works long hours and I'm chronically ill so he suggested his father takes a taxi. He's in his 80's and hasn't been this year. But it's still doable for him. Your mil just wants to be awkward and have something to moan about and you all at her beck and call.

I think you're right about the excuses and I hadn't seen it that way before.

She does drive and has two daughters who both drive and have newer cars than us. They're coming down in May for DD's christening but doing the absolute bare minimum in terms of effort. They're staying at a hotel as one of the SILSs is scared of cats (even though the spare room is the upstairs floor of our house and has a door at the bottom of its own staircase (more grand than it sounds but basically we can isolate her from the cats at night.

This excuse was only brought forward after we bought a double day bed and extra single sofa bed so we could sleep the three of them comfortably.

What an awful situation. My MIL is the same - prickly, critical, sneaky, divisive. No birthday or Christmas presents for the DCs unless we were there.

I tried so hard with her. We even considered relocating 250 miles to be nearer when she approached the stage she would need some looking out for.

She came to stay with us once. Never heard the last of it as I couldn't do anything right. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, man care, conduct, my family - all not good enough for her. That week she spent with us gave her all the ammunition she needed to resent me forever.

Then, after DH was ill and I did everything I could, came the phone call. 45 minutes of her laying into me. She won't even phone anymore if she thinks I will be there to answer.

I have not forgotten one of the evil snipes she had at me when I was young and trying to please. Entitled SIL no better but I feel sorry for her now she's got all the caring responsibilities.

MiL seems entrenched in her attitude and has dug in deeper as the years have gone by. My poor DCs are still upset but resigned.

IMO you're on a hiding to nothing. Go and stay in a lovely hotel 20 miles away from her. Let DH do the DC contact and chill.

Stay away, you can't win.

Sorry I meant sounds more grand than it is. It's just a lift conversion but the door at the bottoms means she wouldn't be bothered by the cats (two, one v docile and anti social) if she stayed.

Tararabumdeay you've hit the nail right in the head. She's said some awful things to me in the past. DH once had a word with her and she burst into tears saying she couldn't say anything without being told off (this happened once) and the next time we saw her is just had my leg out of a brace after a horrid operation and she stalked off I the shopping centre so I had to struggle to keep up with her. At the time I had I no idea DH had spoken to her and felt like I was going mad.

If the thread's been any help Beverley be brave and tell your Dh how you feel.

Would you raise this with DH
YES! All you need to do is ask him to rearrange her visit because you're looking foreward to having a relaxing birthday, but that won't happen if you're in super hostess mode.

As for your MIL...bloody hell isn't she a piss taker! Expects you to collect her, won't get on the train (won't even meet you half way), won't get a passport. You say she hasn't got photo ID but surely she's got a driving license? What does your DH say about all this pandering to her crap?

I think you need to not allow her to moan about not seeing DD...If she moans just say you're welcome to come anytime
Exactly. And add "we'll be here waiting for you". Collecting her is utterly crazy, make her arrange her own transport.

I'd book a
Meal out for your birthday and ask if she wouldn't mind babysitting, or rather I'd get DH to ask

YANBU - you've been more than accommodating (pandering in my view!) so it's not selfish to want to enjoy your birthday.

The one time that hurt the most was when she said she had only one more cardigan to knit now she'd completed two. She has five grandsons. My two were not included in the number.

Who gives a flying fig about a complicated cardigan that would have been worn twice? It was just a nasty, deliberate dig.

She's had me in bewildered tears so many times. Dig, dig, dig - I could quote them all.

How was she at your wedding? How many other members of the family has she alienated?

With these kind of people l would just drive up and visit for 2 hours and drive home. Do that or at least your dh do that once every few monthe. End of story. Wouldnt bother asking her to stay..Some people are not able to come out of their own routine so dont bother wasting energy. Short visits are the answer. Stop on the way home for a nice dinner somewhere.

My parents are in their 80s and travel all over the place. Albeit there are 2 of them. They came to London from Newcastle 5 times in a year to see my daughter perform. Some grandparents really make it hard don't they. 71 is no longer very old if you are in reasonable health.

She didn't come to the wedding. No one did, we booked two weeks in the sun and got married, just me and DH. It was wonderful!

The worst dig (and the one I posted on MN at the time), and the one DH had a word with her for without my knowledge, happened when DD was four months old. I had a rough time with the birth ( emergency section under GA and lost a lot of blood), I was still hugely struggling when we did the journey to see her. She and DH were fussing over DD so when I walked into the room DD didn't notice and MIL said "she's not interested in you she just wants me and her Daddy". I was still very raw (mentally more than physically) from the birth trauma. I just u-turned out of the room and bursts into tears. She never apologised and when DH spoke to her she flatly denied saying it but he was there! A few months later they came to see us, the same day I had my leg brace off, and she stalked off in the shopping centre so I was limping along behind them trying to keep up.

She and PIL are divorced acrimoniously and she has threatened not to come to the christening if we invite him and his new wife (who is lovely) so she's won the day and they're not coming.

I could honestly write a book!

Your DH doesn't sound that great to me.
Forgot your birthday and enables his mothers bad behaviour by letting her dictate that her ex husband is allowed at the christening?!