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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a dick move or AIBU?

184 replies

BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 16:34

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2017 19:48

I wouldn't invite her into my home

Why does FIL get dropped from christening?

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 19:50

I think he thought it'd be ok about my birthday, in his eyes we'll have my birthday and then drive there, he hadn't thought about the cleaning, shopping, making bed, taking cats to cattery etc.

He just hates confrontation. He'd rather speak to his dad, who was expecting it, than deal with her being upset.

OP posts:
NoLotteryWinYet · 30/04/2017 19:53

This is exactly how families let manipulative emotionally abusive people get away with things - so your FIL has been Kent on because he's easier to put pressure on. I'm wondering why your DH panders to her too, presumably she's excellent at emotional blackmail

SapphireStrange · 30/04/2017 19:54

MIL said "she's not interested in you she just wants me and her Daddy". I was still very raw (mentally more than physically) from the birth trauma. I just u-turned out of the room and bursts into tears. She never apologised and when DH spoke to her she flatly denied saying it but he was there!

She's a straight-up cunt and, I'm sorry, but your DH should have been RAGING for you. He needs to grow up, put her straight, and jolly well 'deal with her being upset'.

I'd uninvite her to the christening and invite FIL and his new partner instead. Well actually, when she threatened not to come I'd have just shrugged and said 'Suit yourself.'

But it is definitely your DH who needs to get a handle on this. He's not a 'legend'; he's ineffectual and he's putting her before you.

NoLotteryWinYet · 30/04/2017 19:57

Whilst you're at it, use your new guest facilities for FIL and his p to build a closer relationship to dd if they are normal functioning adults.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 19:59

SapphireStrange I agree with everything you say but that's not going to happen, ever. Ultimately she's his mum and he loves her. She does have some good qualities but she write the book on emotional blackmail!

Ill never forgive her for what she said, not that she has apologised. In her eyes I'm the bad guy for being upset about it.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/04/2017 19:59

She's a nasty twat and your Dh is frightened of her, putting you and everyone else second to what she wants.

SapphireStrange · 30/04/2017 20:00

that's not going to happen, ever What, your husband standing up for you? Confused

I wouldn't be at all happy with that and would look very askance at my partner and our relationship. I don't know why people put up with this shit.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:10

He stood up to her about what she said but he'd never uninvited her to the christening. My view was that we should invite them both and if she declined then it was her decision.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 30/04/2017 20:14

OK, fine, but he needs to put his foot down about the endless drama of her coming to visit.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2017 20:17

Who decided fil wasn't coming?

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:17

I agree. I've pandered to the travel arrangements because I want to make him happy and want DD to have a nice relationship with her. I'm just feeling like FFS not on my birthday. I don't want much. Just the chance to chill, have a brew in bed, have a nice breakfast and maybe go out for dinner. I don't want red carpet laid out for me, I just don't want to be laying it out for someone else!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/04/2017 20:19

You have dis-invited FIL from the christening even though he is nice and DH prefers him to avoid a tantrum from his cowbag of a mother. Nice.

You've got some nerve moaning about MIL being mean to you then. How horrible of you and DH. You should be ashamed of yourselves. It is one thing to take the crap yourselves. It is quite another to punish innocents who do behave decently.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:22

They also live abroad so by not inviting his new wife it would make it a pain for them to come over. She doesn't know anyone where we live so she'd be basically sat in our house all day (and would then would have to leave if MIL wanted to come back - although last I heard they were going to head to the buffet to fill up and the leave).

I sent them an invitation but by then DH had already spoken to his dad.

OP posts:
NoLotteryWinYet · 30/04/2017 20:22

Does DH have some secret beef with his dad? It doesn't add up. I don't understand why DH didn't invite them both and let her choose rather than cave to the threat. Either he's spineless, or he doesn't like his dad.

I know you're wanting to vent about the birthday, by the whole relationship with MIL seems off.

whomovedmychocolate · 30/04/2017 20:23

OP - Make a big deal of the fact that she is sharing YOUR SPECIAL DAY and insist everyone refers to it as such. Maybe she'll be impressed you like her that much or maybe she'll buy you a present.

Rise above it all, it's a week. Just remember to sign out of Mumsnet when you need to vent! Grin

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:25

RunRabbit have you read the full thread? We haven't disinvited him. For many reasons, too many to go into here, he was expecting the chat. We said we'd love him to come but we couldn't invite his wife due to MIL. They were very understanding and we've agreed for them to stay over the summer. He then declined the invitation for him to come on the basis that it would be expensive and he wouldn't want his wife to be left out which we fully understood.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:28

It's not secret beef. His dad didn't behave very well when they separated and caused a lot of hurt. There was fault on both sides. It was really hard for DH.

I haven't made a big deal out of it being my special day - nor insisted anyone refer to it as such! When did I say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 20:29

Sorry whomovedmychocolate I completely misread that. I'm tired!

That's actually a wonderful idea. I might insist she wear a party hat and sing happy birthday in the round!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/04/2017 20:30

Please make this the last time you and DH exhaust yourselves facilitating a relationship between her and DD. I get why you are doing it but honestly put your energies into your DD and by the sounds of it FIL & his wife!!!!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/04/2017 20:36

Mil is not meeting you half way at all
Maybe she's not that bothered about a relationship with Gd but feels she has to deflect blame on to you for shoddy relationship?
Maybe shes more frail than you realise dementia etc which can make people depressed? Just a random thought. Has she changed or always been bizarre old bat?

BadTasteFlump · 30/04/2017 20:40

Your DH doesn't sound that great to me. Forgot your birthday and enables his mothers bad behaviour

Sadly, on that point I have to agree. He is your husband. He should have your back and not tolerate anybody treating you badly - not even his own mother.

Fishface77 · 30/04/2017 21:08

I think you actually need to stop bending over backwards and condoning and enabling her behaviour.
If she's this bad I'm not surprised father in law behaved badly!

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 21:13

We've just discussed it and he said it's easy to change because he hasn't spoken to them yet.

Whenever MIL's concerned me and DD come last. She can do whatever she likes and I'll be the bad guy if I complain.

One time we went to see her and there was ice on the inside of the windows as she hadn't had the heating on - it was broken and she hasn't told us before we arrived. So that night she went to stay with another family member and left us in the freezing house with a baby! That was a particular low point!

I daren't say anymore as this is very outing. Let's just say I have enough to write a book.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2017 22:50

Well that's a different and much bigger issue.

Can I recommend a very useful book called Toxic Inlaws? I bet you see your MIL in one or more of the types of horrible family set ups too many of us sadly end up marrying in to. It will help you see that the problem is them, not you, and might give you some handy strategies to develop to limit the damage to you, your marriage and your family.

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