Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

That would be the straw that broke the camels back
LEFT you in a freezing house with a baby!!!! This woman is not normal
What the f are you doing bending over backwards for her. I would have gone to a premier inn and not seen her the next day
24 hour 600 mile round trips for a woman who refuses your offer of first class rail travel / plane was ticket
Please explain why it is so important your child experiences this madness? in what way is she a good granny?

She hasn't been a good granny so far and that's why I want to remove any excuses she has and encourage her to form a better bond.

Early on in the thread people suggested babysitting but I wouldn't want to leave DD with her. Not that I don't trust her, but I wouldn't trust her to put DD's needs above anything else that may arise.

DD and I come last always in her eyes and I think this is why I'm so annoyed about it being on my birthday, just the utter disregard as usual.

I think he thought it'd be ok about my birthday, in his eyes we'll have my birthday and then drive there, he hadn't thought about the cleaning, shopping, making bed, taking cats to cattery etc

This sounds as though you are intending to make the trip to pick up your MIL with your DH? (Presumably your poor DD would be dragged along too). Wouldn't it be better for your DH to go alone.
Also I'm not sure why you need to be so worried about looking after her when she is at your house. Your DH can do that and it is only one extra person. There is no need for you to wait on her hand and foot.

Wow! The clash with your birthday is the least of your worries!!!

This is a very VERY unhealthy situation, and you need to step back and have an objective look at it.

Your DD is young at the moment, but you need to think very carefully about what you are going to be exposing her to by contuing this madness!

You are all enabling a very toxic individual to continue her very nasty and cruel treatment of you. How long before this falls onto DD too?

Also, how long before your patience runs thin and this starts to have a very real and negative impact on your marriage?

My advice would be to reead the Toxic Inlaws book and get some persepective!!!

Why is your DH still pandering to this woman and worse, making her a priority over you and DD?

Sounds like a tricky situation all round. But my point is about your cats: why do you need to take them to a cattery when mil comes to stay? Is she allergic? In which case you're not going to get rid of every last trace of them. Does she not like them? Well, that's tough luck, imo...

You're right, I know you are, but I feel kind of stuck. After the last few visits to her house have been awful (telling me DD isn't interested in me four months after nearly dying giving birth, leaving us in a house with no heating, and there's more but this would be a very long thread), I have each time said I'm not going again. DH thinks this is unreasonable as he has to see his mum and doesn't like going without us. I have caved in in all but one occasion when I said he should go alone but he didn't want to so I stood my ground and he ended up not going.

I'll look into the toxic in law's book but I'll have to see if they have a kindle edition as I can't imagine proudly displaying it on the bookshelf!

I have posted a screenshot of my previous thread below. It was posted in chat but in Sept 15 so has long since disappeared. The heating incident and shopping centre incident happened after this thread was posted and since then my opinion about her being generally lovely has changed significantly!

Kalinka she's not allergic, going to collect her would be an overnight stay as it's too far to go there and back in one day so the cats would be in a cattery overnight. SIL is scared of cats when it suits her and so she has refused to stay at our house, but this was only disclosed after said we'd do up the spare bedroom so they could stay.

Sorry OP but I'm with your DH on this one. I don't really see the issue to be honest.

I understand you wanting to remove any excuses, but you do realise that no matter what your do, no matter how much you put yourself out, she will ALWAYS blame you for everything? Start pleasing yourself, not her. If Dh wants to see her then let him go to her (I'd take her off the christening guest list too!) I'd personally have nothing else to do with spiteful woman. You'll only get treated like a door mat if you lie down and act like one.

• you do

How is dd going to have any kind of relationship with your mil when she lives so far away? She'll barely know her. If mil can't be bothered to get on a train, then I don't think I could be bothered to drive 6 hours to see her. I think it's unreasonable of your dh to make you go with a small child.

My hope was that in doing up the spare room and giving her somewhere comfortable and free (as expense has also been listed an excuse reason not to come) to stay, that she might want to come more often, could soften towards me and DD and have a generally happier relationship.

I really thought once all this was in place she'd either come on the train or ask SILs to bring her. There is also the coach, if she has anxiety about train toilets, and they make regular stops, and are cheaper.

Ultimately you're all right. I hadn't thought about it in the terms you have spelled out, it's difficult to see when you're in the middle of it and the sheer lunacy of it creeps up on you!

I think you need to get your DH to step up and take a good long hard look at himself and ask himself why he thinks it's acceptable for you and DD to be treated in this way, why he feels he has to maintain a relationship with his mother at all costs...

I would very much be "DH off you go and visit your mother, I'll never stand in your way..." he won't because he finds the visits so awful he can't bear it!

You sound like a lovely person and you have done enough (too much) to try and cultivate a relationship between her and your Dd, but it works both ways, she needs to do her bit too. I would do nothing more from now on, sit back and see what happens. You never know she may pull herself together when she realises she's not going to get special treatment. You've got nothing to feel guilty about though, you've done enough.

In my opinion nothing to do with train anxiety or similar nonsense. She just doesn't want to come. Full stop. She likes "the idea" of being a grandmother but not the realities.
She sounds absolutely dire, in your shoes I'd do the bare minimum required and try not to let her nastiness get to you.

I really can't fathom why you are entertaining a 600mile round trip to pick her up with your baby in tow. Just no-that sounds like hell 😱Unnecessary-let your hubby do it solo.
Good luck with all this OP

In fairness, when we chatted last night he said that he would collect her solo - and then we'd take her back together (with DD) which is a compromise.

Honestly I could write a book.

He loves his mum, he's not blind to her faults, but she's his mum so it's natural he loves her and I don't want to be a dick and make him feel guilty.

What does really piss me off is that as soon as anyone from that side of the family is mentioned me and DD come absolutely last in terms of pleasing them.

When SIL got married I bought MIL a trinket box with 'Mother of the Bride' on. Just before we were due to leave to come back home I reminded her the box was unopened and she barely looked at it, said "oh yes thanks" before throwing it on the couch because she was giving a lift to someone who was waiting for her. It would have taken 1 minute to take it out of the box, give me a hug, smile, examine it - but nothing. A week or so after DD was born we were readmitted to hospital as I was too weak to breastfeed enough and she had lost weight. I was dealing with a lot psychologically and physically, it was the hardest period of my life. However I still managed to send her photos everyday as I wanted her to feel included. Was she grateful? No. She wanted me to resize the photos before I sent them as downloading them took too much bandwith from her broadband allowance. Then I had to sit through a lecture from SIL about how to send smaller photos. Needless to say I haven't sent many since, I leave this to DH now, and yes she moans a lot about this too!

Trust me I would like nothing more than to tell her to do one. But DH has been great while I was laid up. He's great with DD and generally an all round great guy. We have a very happy marriage and that's the only reason I even entertain the idea of being decent with her.

If she drives, Ithink she legally has to have the photo card now, so she should have photo id

My only concern is that at some point this will start upsetting DD and that there may have to be a time when your DH has to stand up to his mother.

I think keep the open and honest communication going so that resentment and frustration doesn't build up and explode!

He loves his mum, he's not blind to her faults, but she's his mum so it's natural he loves her and I don't want to be a dick and make him feel guilty.

We're all banging our heads against brick walls here.

FFS. YOU are not the dick! SHE is a dick and so, more to the point, is your DH. Of course he loves her. I love my parents. That doesn't mean I'd allow them to act towards my DP the way she behaves to you.

I fully agree with Random: I think you need to get your DH to step up and take a good long hard look at himself and ask himself why he thinks it's acceptable for you and DD to be treated in this way

Honestly Beverly she is never going to be a lovely Grandma, stop trying and just look after yourself and Dd.
If your Dh is silly enough to pander to her, that's his problem. But I doubt it's because he loves his Mum and is blind to her faults, it's more like he has been programmed to do as she says, and not make waves. He does it all due to FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.
Invite FIL and his partner and let her cancel coming to the christening, enjoy yourselves for once without her being there to put a damper on things.

You need to accept that she is never going to be a decent Granny - she does not want to be one and is only looking for ways to hurt you, DH & DD.

Stop wasting your time and energy. Focus instead on the family who do want to be involved e.g FIL.

I've made my feelings clear on the FIL situation. They've been really kind towards DD, they live abroad but managed to bring over an enormous dolls house for her for Christmas and really engage with her when they're here. I'm really upset they're not coming to the christening.

DH hates confrontation especially in his family, he feels like he's done his bit when he had a word with her, although that backfired a bit. If I push back on this I'll look like the bad guy.

I'm just exhausted with it all. The straw that broke my back was having to deal with it all on my birthday but I think I'll have to suck that up and just have a nice chill day when she's gone home.

Op your DH sounds like a normal man. So he supported you when you were ill in hospital.
He looks after Dd
He's a great guy
AND?
He puts "his family" above you and dd.
He makes you and worse DD do the trip to pick up/drop of/both Mil.
He sounds like an inconsiderate twat and you Mil is the least of your worries.

And you know being seen as the bad guy isn't always a bad thing?
Sometimes it's just being assertive.
Stop making the effort.