Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

Exactly, Fishface.

Whatever you do isn't going to be good enough for her. So do what is enough for you.

I would stop pandering to her, if should have been her that declined the offer of the christening if she didn't want to face the fil s wife why should they miss out because she is being precious my dads new wife was at our wedding and will be at my daughters christening life moves on

This has to be the last time you bend over backwards for her. You've done your bit. And it doesn't matter that you've prioritised making the guest room comfortable over other things that need paying for, it probably won't be good enough.

If she says one more nasty cruel thing to you, then she is the bad guy. Tell her that. She does it because she can without repercussion.

Some advice I was given (bit too late in my case tbh)

Look at how a man treats his Mum as that is how he will treat you...

It is great that your DH still treats his Mum with kindness and consideration, he does however need to not bend over backwards to facilitate contact to the extent you are. I think she just likes to moan/complain/try and make people feel sorry for her. Accept her moaning for what it is - no matter what you and DH do it won't make her engage with DD.

No need for drama or go NC just don't bother pandering her to this level again. Make the effort for FIL from now on instead

He's not inconsiderate. Really he's a brilliant DH. He's in an impossible situation.

I'm just going to have to play nicely for the week she's here and have a birthday day she. She's gone home.

Who knows, maybe this week will go well and we'll have a nice relationship as a result.

Really he's a brilliant DH. He's in an impossible situation.

No he isn't and no he isn't.

Sorry to be harsh but he is NOT brilliant if he, as you say, consistently puts everyone else before you.

He is not in an 'impossible' situation. A difficult one maybe, but he is an adult and he could take steps to improve his attitude and the situation. He is well aware of how unhappy you are about things and yet he does not take steps to change anything about it.

I would stop making an effort with her. Don't buy her stuff, don't send her pictures, don't try and make her like you. It will never be appreciated. And your DD will not have a good relationship with her if it's all one way. All she will see is a horrible lady who is horrible to her mum. And it will be her fault, not yours. She has other grandparents. Let your DH deal with her and her tantrums if he wants to.

The more effort you put into her, the more she actually has power over you - and the more she'll dislike you. She will see you as weak.

Stand up to her, and also to your DH. He's not in an impossible position. He's making it that himself because he won't make a choice between you and his mother. In this, he's actually the weak one.

I hope It works out for you op.
I think you don't want to see his faults and think it may take some outstandingly bad behaviour on her part to show you his true colours.

Wow, I really feel for you. You are a saint! The freezing house/newborn baby thing is so shocking. Please understand this isn't normal and most grandparents would never, ever, ever do this to their children or grandchildren

Op one day there will be an incidence when your dd is older and she pissed your Mil off. And your dh will be on her side.

Unless your draw up some boundries.

I fell out with my nan because she is toxic and treated my mum and sibling poorly. My dad was on nan's side, for the same reasons as your dh- not wanting to rock the boat, he thought mum and my sib should just put up with it- which they did. I however refused to visit while she did and watch her emotionally and verbally dig at them. I was cut off for months and I have to be in honest is saying that seeing this relationship really messed me up. I do struggle to respect both my parents at time, much as I love them, they are so weak with my nan and let her walk over then and myself and siblings. We grew up seeing that and as a result I will never ever allow anyone to do the same to my dc. So I'm walking on eggshells for my nan to do something and be allowed to wreck the family further.

That could well happen with your dc at some point, you should consider that.

Gosh this has made for some tough reading but I really appreciate everyone's advice and shared experiences. It has given me a lot to think about.

I raised some of this with DH the other night and now are barely speaking.

I grew up with a toxic grandmother who was horrid to my mum. I picked up on this at a very early age and ended up 'telling her off' when I was about 5 or 6. I don't want that for my DD

DH has been working this weekend inc the bank holiday so I've had some time to reflect on the various incidents in the past. Also although she is not keen to travel, she has barely made any to effort to Skype with us, and she has the facility. Even if she didn't know how to use Skype she could a) make the effort to learn or b) arrange a time when SILs are around (they see her nearly everyday from what I gather).

I'm just so frustrated, I feel really stuck just now. DH isn't up for talking about this and we're barely speaking. I spent this morning's commute in tears (on one of the few occasions when I got my eyeliner right I had cried it off before I even got to work!).

What aspect of it all is DH upset about?

Would your Dh consider some kind of counselling to help him deal with his issues with his mother? It sounds utterly toxic tbh

Your DH is not brilliant if he expects you and a small child to do a 600-mile round trip for no reason whatsoever. There is zero chance I would do that. It is not fair on your daughter for a start.

it's hard to describe but when you're in the situation it doesn't feel that 'toxic'. She just looks like a vulnerable and lonely person who doesn't see much of her DS and grandchild.

If I suggested counselling he'd probably wonder what for. The ridiculousness of it all kind of creeps up on you.

Writing it all down here and listening to your responses has been an eye opener.

He's upset that I'm stamping my feet about it being my birthday. basically I'm the bad guy. I'm really frustrated. He offered to change the dates but I've said leave them as they are.

When he offered and you didn't accept you fucked up. Ask yourself why you are creating stress for yourself bending over backwards for someone who doesn't appreciate it and doesn't give a shit about you.

And no your husband isn't brilliant if he was brilliant he would be ensuring he not you accommodated his mother in a way that did not impact you and your child negatively.

When he offered and you didn't accept you fucked up.

I agree with this.

But I'm sorry; things sound utterly miserable. I can't really imagine how hard it is, but I'm pretty sure it is so hard because you're trying to unpick years and years of bad behaviour and attitudes that, as you say, have been allowed to creep up and to calcify.

If your DH went to just one counselling session he might be surprised at how it might start to change his point of view. Could you suggest that you go to one and see how it goes? (rather than just saying 'let's go to counselling', which could sound like a daunting process of eleventy-million sessions.)

You're not the bad guy, OP. Please keep hearing that when people on here tell you it.

But op it's not just about your birthday is it? It's about the way Mil treats you and DD.
And the fact that DH is enabling the behaviour.
The birthday is just a symptom of the whole disease.
Again, why does DH expect you and DD to do the or part of the drop/pick trip?

He's not in an impossible situation. He is treating you badly by not standing up to her. Why are you doing any of the driving/ hosting for this trip? It is perfectly possible for him to visit her and take DD without involving you at all.

You say you want to maintain a relationship with her for DD's sake, but it sounds like she just isn't that interested. In the meantime you are somewhat cutting out his father and his wife who actually sound nice (based on the limited information you've posted) and sound like a much more interested/ involved set of grandparents.

DD and I won't be involved in the first trip but we will in the second (we clarified this the other night when we spoke). I am doing the hosting etc to make DH happy as I know not seeing his mum, and her not being involved in DD's life upsets him.

He sees it as he has stood up to her when she's been inappropriate in the past. Both times she's turned on the waterworks and it hasn't gone well. After the first time (following her comment about DD not being interested in me) she punished me by stalking off when we were shopping on the day I'd had my leg brace off and I could barely keep up. I knew something was the matter and pressed DH - he denied anything was the matter until months later when he told me that he'd spoke to her following her comment and she was very upset which is why she had been funny with me. I took them to my favourite deli to buy food for the evening, she refused to enter the shop saying it was too cramped (it wasn't) and then barely ate anything I had bought for her.

I totally agree about FIL and step-MIL. They've been lovely with DD and I made my feelings clear at the time, DH agreed with me but said "she's mum she has to be there". She called the shots again.

I probably did fuck up when I said not to bother changing the dates but the consensus from the thread was just suck it up and have my birthday when she has gone home. Plus if he had such little regard for my birthday as to do this then I don't really want to celebrate it with him - I may well leave him and MIL babysitting and go out with my friends for a change!

You're right - it is an utterly miserable situation. I'm dreading it already.

the consensus from the thread was just suck it up and have my birthday when she has gone home

No, come on, you had other advice as well. But yes, now it's done, sod them both and go out with your friends. Do any of them know about your MIL? What might their perspectives/advice be?

This is a horrible situation and fwiw I know how hard it can be when your DH can't see the behaviour for what it is.

For my DH the idea of being a 'good son' was so deeply ingrained that he genuinely couldn't see his mother's manipulation of him as anything other than normal (because for him it was!)

Trying to win her over is unlikely to be successful but might provide some opportunities to discuss things with your DH. On the positive side if she lives a long way away her impact is limited. You should certainly consider not facilitating her behaviour in the future though. (And toxic in-laws is available on Kindle )

With regard to this:

" I am doing the hosting etc to make DH happy as I know not seeing his mum, and her not being involved in DD's life upsets him."

What you need to get through to your DH is the reason that he does not see his Mum and she is not involved in DD's life is because his mum is not interested/bothered about him & DD - that is the crux of the issue and he is completely in the FOG about it. He doesn't want to see that she isn't interested enough to make any effort, he will hand it to her on a plate and she still won't be!!!

It's not about her being there on your birthday, it's about the emotional and physical energy your DH is expending on a family member who couldn't give a sh*t about him in return.