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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dick move or AIBU?

184 replies

BeverlyGoldberg · 30/04/2017 16:34

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 02/05/2017 13:27

I know I received other advice too - and I appreciate it, but on the birthday issue the consensus was to celebrate a different day. I'm not exactly over the moon about it.

My mates think she's rotten and feel aggrieved on behalf of me and DD. My parents really aren't keen, especially after the freezing house incident. Not sending DD's Christmas presents didn't help either.

OP posts:
dingodon · 02/05/2017 13:32

Ok so what about you going away part of that week to indulge with friends for your birthday after all she is coming to see your DH and DD? Let your DH run about after her and use your time to have a think about who is actually doing all the work/facilitating etc

MusicToMyEars800 · 02/05/2017 13:39

OP, I would be a bit annoyed too, also love you user name Grin

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 02/05/2017 13:39

Well I think he's expecting me to take the week off, which won'e be happening.

I think going away with my friends might be a step too far but going out for the night will almost certainly be happening. Give them a chance to slag me off too without dear of being overheard ha ha!

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 02/05/2017 13:46

You're last comment says it all.
"Give them a chance to slag me off too without fear of being overheard."

Your Mil is awful and I'm sorry but your "D"H is not far behind.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 02/05/2017 14:05

I was half joking but I'm not naive enough to think it never happens. I know when he's pulled her up on being a pain that it's been turned round on me.

She never telephones when I'm there either. He rings her when he's at work and then tells me the bare bones of the conversation later.

That's what I mean about minimum effort. She has got a tablet (I think an iPad) but hasn't facetimed in months and months. She can hide behind not being good with technology but she could ask SILs to set her up.

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 02/05/2017 15:37

why do some people on Mumsnet seem to be that bothered about their birthdays?! Don't get me wrong I love celebrating my birthday but also realise that the world doesn't stop for it.

YABU

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 15:49

He is expecting to take the week off himself isn't he? Irrespective of whether you take time off too?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 15:53

You can totally use to your advantage the fact that she wants to see DD and doesn't like you.

You can say to DH that to make sure he and DD get a lovely time with their DGM, you will make sure you stay out of the way as much as possible and leave them to it, so there is no trouble or argument.

You will accept this great hardship because you are so very supportive of him wanting to maintain a good relationship with his mother.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 02/05/2017 16:25

FrenchJuneBug - probably the same reason people don't read the full thread ;)

RunRabbit: that is genius - I anticipate some of that plan will definitely go ahead.

I have purchased the Toxic In Laws book (Kindle edition - although how passive aggressive of me would it be to display it on the fireplace!)

OP posts:
Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 02/05/2017 16:25

PS - I think he is expecting me to take the full week of but that will NOT be happening.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 02/05/2017 17:10

I think you missed a trick there to be honest.

She really doesn't want to come.

If you had changed the date to suit your birthday, she would have cancelled in a heartbeat.

PrimalLass · 02/05/2017 22:57

DD and I won't be involved in the first trip but we will in the second

Again, WHY? That's 12 hours in the car for your baby, for no reason whatsoever. Your DH is very, very selfish to expect you to do that.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 03/05/2017 07:37

I suppose he thought it would be nice for DD to see the rest of the family.

We spoke about it briefly yesterday morning before I left for work and he said he had no desire to speak about it and we'd talk this afternoon when he has more time. I've been so upset. Dreading talking about it all again, it's the only thing we argue about.

I bought the Toxic InLaws book. I couldn't sleep last night so I'm already more than half way through and a lot of it EXACTLY describes our situation.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 03/05/2017 09:11

He's not keeping you happy op so why are you so bothered about keeping him happy? Oh yeah it because he's a good husband. Except he's not.

Staypuff · 03/05/2017 09:11

The problem is op is he's putting g his extended family and his wants in front of his family- you and dd. The question is where will you draw the line? Will he?

It's great you are standing up against this, keep doing it. I fear your husband is like my dad and you and your dd will always come last.

Staypuff · 03/05/2017 09:14

I would advise you to have all your points written down because your husband will 'rewrite history' and try to manipulate you around. Like my dad, he's so much into the FOG.

Reread this thread for strength and please point out to your dp about your dd annoying his mum at some point. His reaction- denial most likely- will tell you all you need to know.

SapphireStrange · 03/05/2017 09:54

I would advise you to have all your points written down because your husband will 'rewrite history' and try to manipulate you around.

I agree with this. Don't let yourself get flustered.

Original poster
BeverlyGoldberg · 03/05/2017 13:24

Well you all called it right. Massive row. Apparently MIL has tried to talk him out of driving to collect her as it's too much but he has insisted.

He can't see that she has been manipulative. He said she suffers from anxiety which stops her from wanting to use the train for long distances.

I spent 2 out of the 3 bank holiday weekend days with my parents (they live close by and DH was working so took mum out shopping on Saturday and had them round for a cuppa on Monday), apparently therefore I have no appreciation of what it is like to be without parents.

I tried to explain that I have done all I can to encourage him to go to see her, I even gave him money for petrol when he was skint to go to his friend's funeral, and completely funded a trip to see her for her birthday last year (and was insulted by her on that trip too). He wouldn't let me speak as I was on the stairs and apparently it as hurting his neck to look up at me.

I'm just totally done!

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 03/05/2017 13:41

What a coincidence that the only week she can come and be fawned over and run around for is the exact week where you have your one day a year to feel special. Oh, and you have to go get her and take her back.
If she bought you a birthday present to bring with her then I'll eat my hat.

1stDinkyDecker · 03/05/2017 13:53

She doesn't want to come on the train, neither does she think it's the best idea for your DH to drive down for her, I agree with a PP, she really doesn't want to come.

happypoobum · 03/05/2017 18:36

I am actually starting to feel a bit sorry for MIL. She really doesn't want to come and DH just won't take no for an answer will he? He is bullying her.

TheweewitchRoz · 03/05/2017 18:39

I'm beginning to agree with you happy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2017 18:48

I'm glad the book is useful OP. Honestly, it's them and their issues and fucked up dynamic, not you.

I think you and DH have some pretty serious issues from what you've said. Would he be remotely willing to see someone together to talk about coping strategies? Maybe you could approach it from his perspective - he finds the relationships tricky to balance etc, therefore how can you and he work together on how to try and give everyone what they need.

At the risk of sounding deeply cynical and manipulative, all you need to do is get him to agree and in the room with a counsellor and a third party will explain to him objectively just how messed up the dynamic is and how his priorities must become his immediate family - you and your child together.

My DH was stuck in the FOG for a long time (fear, obligation, guilt) and was being walked all over. He found speaking to some immensely helpful and it gave him the permission to voice his real feelings about it all, without keeping a lid on how much it hurt and scared him, because someone else with no agenda was there just to listen to him.

If he won't, could you go and see someone to give you a sounding board and some ways to protect yourself? As the book says, he's been caught up in the cycles of disfunction his whole life and won't like to have his "normal" challenged by you and will turn it round on you so you're to blame, not his precious family. But it's not healthy and there are other better ways.

Mamia15 · 03/05/2017 19:09

I agree with the previous PP - seeing a counsellor together might help.

Just to clarify, is MIL expecting you to pick her up?

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