Is this a dick move or AIBU?

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Bit of a complicated situation so I'll try and be brief:

MIL has recently been upset that she doesn't see enough of DD. She lives a long way away, won't use public transport and won't drive to our house by herself.

It's a massive cliche but she has previously been very prickly with me and I've turned to the good people of Mumsnet for advice in the past.

Because DH is a legend and I wanted to make him happy, and for DD to have a relationship with her grandma, we spent a fortune on furniture for the spare room and took annual leave to spruce it up so she would have somewhere nice to stay if she wanted to come stay with us.

I said we could drive to collect her (600 mile round trip and takes about 6 hours each way), she could stay with us for a week and then we could take her back. This entails 24 hours travelling in total, taking annual leave, cost of petrol, food while she's here, cooking cleaning etc, but I want to do it so she can feel welcome and so she might be friendlier with me and nicer to DD. For context DD still hasn't had her Christmas or birthday presents because she won't pay postage for them.

I am ok with all of the above. DH is great and has supported me through periods of ill health lately.

BUT... he has arranged the week for MIL to be here to clash with my birthday.

I know it's pathetic to stamp my feet about my birthday at my age but FFS it's going to be shit now as I'll be cleaning, cooking and generally playing hand maid to MIL. I'm just really hurt he's had little regard for my birthday but then I'm aware I sound like a 4 year old when I say that.

Would you raise this with DH, or just suck it up?

I would tell DH how I felt and see how he reacted.

If he changed it great. If not I would arrange a day/evening out with friends and leave him to it!

It wouldn't bother me at all. It's only a birthday 🤷🏻‍♀️

We've suggested the train but it was a "no". We even offered to pay for a first class ticket but she was concerned she might need the loo on the train!

I know, I really do. If it wasn't for DH being so lovely I'd tell her to fuck off but I want him to be happy. She's been a cow in the past to me but we don't see her often enough for me to be that arsed.

I think the biggest issue here is all the pandering you're doing for your MIL! If she really wanted to see you and your family, she'd arrange her own transport.

I think you're letting her walk all over you.

If asking her to baby sit isn't an option because she'll get the hump then you've got years of her dictating.

Normally I would be annoyed but in these particular circumstances I would explain to your DH that you are fed up with this plan but ask to be taken out and taken out for your birthday once your MIL has gone home.

Sounds like birthdays are a big thing for you so you need to cancel visit and invite her another time. If it were me it wouldn't matter at all. My birthday is just another day and I don't like fuss.

How would you usually spend your birthday?

I don't think the issue is the birthday clash. I think the issue is why the fuck your family have to go to so much trouble to cater for this grown woman.

600 mile round trip twice , doing up the spare room, you having to play skivvy (why you and not your DH by the way??)

Sorry but no one needs to go to so much hassle for a healthy adult relative.

She's 71. She's very fit and she has family who could put her on the train, we'd collect her off the other end. We even offered to pay for flights but she said she won't pay for a passport (I know!) and hasn't got photo ID.

Honestly if it matters to you then let you lovely OH know and change the date. Shouldn't have to be a big deal. Sometimes days are special and if it brings you down to imagining spending your birthday with your mil then just don't. That's ok too.

Yeah I'd be honest with your DH about how it's made you feel but you know that he'll make it up to you lots & lots post visit!

She's a nightmare and if your DH was really such a legend, he'd recognise that and kick her into touch.

And I don't think you should 'suck it up'. Have your birthday when you want it. She can come any time if she must.

You should insist dh asks her to babysit - Yu can go out when dd's asleep, at the very least. Seems otherwise I agree with classydiego. If your MiL can't do one night babysitting a sleeping child for her DS then I don't have any words. It's not much to ask for.

She won't pay for:
Postage for Presents
Transport
Passport

So you're all enabling her and running yourselves ragged.

Oh my good god to how much effort is involved in getting her to you!

You're a bloody saint. And your DH must be really really lovely. Which seems like a miracle given his mothers attitude!

I'd be annoyed and I'd mention it and see what he says.

Dont make her too comfortable - she may want to move in 😄

He'd do his fair share too, more in fact, he's really good.

She does love a good pity party and I think she plays up to the "I never see my granddaughter" line a lot. I get the impression I'm painted black so I wanted to go out of my way to make her feel welcome and foster the relationship between her and DD to make her happier and to make life easier for DH. Jus. It on my birthday when I like to chill a bit.

We don't normally do a lot on my birthday. I'd just rather not have to be 'on duty'. It'd be nice if we could play out in the garden, go for dinner, watch some crap TV, eat Nutella out of the jar, not have to pretend to be civilised.

BarbRoyal I'd laugh at that if we were on someone else's thread! I love your username by the way!

Op what a crappy situation. Why don't you turn it into a positive and get a take away for you all and a nice bottle of wine. Saves cooking then

StillStayingClassy yes that's about the size of it!

She sounds like hard work. And possibly manipulative. I wouldn't want her her my birthday. How ridiculous she'd rather her adult working son collects her. If she wants to be ferried around, how about she pays for a taxi to come and see you if that's what she want. And perhaps a maid!

I have no advice op but I just wanted to say hats off to you for going so far out of your way for somebody who obviously doesn't deserve that much kindness.

I couldn't do it. And yes, despite being a grown up, I would not be happy about it clashing with my birthday.

It's about 300 miles so a taxi would be a bit much.

I really don't understand the train issue tho.

The best we can hope for is SIL bringing her down and us taking her back but that's a whole other thread (SIL is the personification of entitled!)