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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friend 're her wedding??

222 replies

FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 20:45

Friend is getting married in 3 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid.

When she first announced she was getting married she said that no children other than relatives were coming. She agreed my DC could come as ex P works abroad and my parents and ex in laws are invited to the evening do.

Friend then asked DD to be a flower girl as her cousin wasn't able to come so her DD couldn't do. Friends DD and my DD do not get along so DD doesn't want to do it. She asked 2 weeks ago after her cousin dropping out and I told her the next day DD doesn't want to do it.

Friend has now uninvited (by text) my DC as a distant relative has contacted her to say they will be coming so they are taking DCs place.

aibu to be pissed off? Train hotel are all booked and paid for and quite a bit of expense. Mum has offered to miss out on the wedding at stay at home with them but we have also paid for a pet sitter who has a 4 week cancellation policy so that's more money I'll be burning.

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 26/04/2017 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 26/04/2017 09:47

What the actual fuck happened to MN mantra of "No is a complete sentance"???!!

Surely even 6 yr olds have the right to say no to things??

It's not like she was first choice, and she had never agreed to it, so she is nor stuffing up the brides day at all, the previous flower girl did that?

Why should she be persuaded?

Talk about teaching a) lack of autonomy and b) that it's ok to coerce a young girls into doing something she's not comfortable with! Confused

OP Your friend is an arse, and immature.

DaemonPantalaemon · 26/04/2017 09:47

FataliePorkman you do have a lot of strange friends.
The one who didn't want to split the bill.
The one who you wanted to slap for being depressed.
The dog-abandoning NDN.
And now a Bridezilla.
Could it be that you generate drama?

I will tell you how to solve your problem if you explain to us why you thought your friend JOAN should have spilt the bill when she and her children had eaten less than you. And if the bride is indeed JOAN, I would say you should suck it up like you expected her to suck up your expenses :) You never came back to explain :)

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 26/04/2017 09:52

Oh and to whoever upthread said they "Don't get" why some people can't just "suck it up and get along"............
There are some people in life I can't even be in the same room as, I don't like them, or trust them, and they have given me very good reasons to hate them.

Again, anyone has a right to say no, whether 6 or 60.
I can't believe some people are trying to lay all this on a fucking 6yr old, and not the bride who has fucked up her own wedding, by being incredibly rude, and inviting, then uninviting a little girls.

Rubies12345 · 26/04/2017 09:58

AnyFucker Tue 25-Apr-17 23:32:27

She is 6. Not 16. She will do what her mum presents in a promising, exciting and positive way

You sound very manipulative.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/04/2017 10:02

@EmmalinaC, the DD was invited as a regular guest. It wasn't until the Bride's cousin and her flower-girl DD dropped out that OP's DD was asked to be a FG.

Thinking about it more, surely if the cousin dropped out that leaves an adult space for this distant relative, so the Bride is being even more spiteful.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2017 10:03

Your 'friend' asked your 6 year old to be a flower girl and you declined because she doesn't get on with the bride's daughter, but you still expect her to be invited to a child-free wedding?

The child was an invited guest before the other flower girl pulled out.

WooWooSister · 26/04/2017 10:22

My 6 yr old was a page boy at a wedding. When he was first asked, he said 'no' because he didn't like one of the other page boys. We had a chat about it, about how weddings are quite structured so during the service, there'd be no interaction with the other page boys anyway; about how during the photos everyone else would be there too; about how he would be sitting with me at the meal and during the reception. He was a page boy. It all went well.
Sometimes 6-yr-olds don't understand the decision they're being asked to make.

Whywaitfortomorrow · 26/04/2017 10:23

Please pick up the phone and talk to your friend. Not text. Not email. Talk to her.

Whilst I do think it is unacceptable to uninvite DC as they were already invited before flowergate, there must be something more to this. Maybe cousin dropped out because she hadn't been asked to be bridesmaid. Bride and guests not being shown in good light here.

She chose you for a bridesmaid and she is inviting your parents and your ex's parents. She must have considered you a decent enough friend to invite all and children too. Somebody has to make a move here, weddings bring out the worst in people but at least give yourselves both a chance to speak as it could keep your friendship. If that's what you want.

JustSpeakSense · 26/04/2017 10:25

OP's DD was already invited to the wedding (as a favour because OP is the bridesmaid, has no childcare and her whole family will be at wedding)

Bride already had 2 flower girls (Bride's DD & other) so at this point 3 children coming to wedding.

2nd flower girl dropped out, bride asked OP's DD to fill in for her (as she already had 2 matching dresses) but she said no.

Now bride has withdrawn DD's invitation expecting OP to remain bridesmaid even though she has no childcare.

Bride sounds controlling and selfish, and I'd definitely not be attending the wedding if I was OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2017 10:28

Her cousin couldn't make it and therefore neither could her dd. The bride panicked and asked your dd, who said no. So then she went on to ask distant relative, who said yes. The cousin and child have been replaced by distant relative and child. Thus the number of places remains static.

It sounds as though uninviting your child is out of spite because she said no. Do you want to be part of this wedding when the bride has been so spiteful to your own child? Personally I would text her back and ask if she has uninvited your child. If the answer is yes, I'd sound baffled and ask her if she has done it out of spite because the numbers remain unchanged and she knows you don't have childcare. If she has no answer or doesn't see sense, I would withdraw from the wedding tbh. Do you really think your friendship can survive if she doesn't reinstate the invitation?

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/04/2017 10:29

OP, are you the same poster who started the thread criticising your friend for not paying more to cover your food and drink choices at a meal? As a PP has suggested?

If so, you were so unreasonable then that it makes it hard to assess this issue with neutrality.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2017 10:30

I also agree with Woowoo. I would have talked to my dd and explained what being a flower girl entailed - if she ever got the chance. She otoh is dying to be a bm.

FreeNiki · 26/04/2017 10:44

Do you want to be part of this wedding when the bride has been so spiteful to your own child?

It's pretty spiteful of the OP to allow her 6 year old to harbour such an intense dislike for the brides own daughter at her own wedding.

All of those bleating about a 6 year olds right to refuse, will she even remember or care a while later. It wont damage her childhood irreparibly. There are very few children present at this child free wedding. So flower girl or not she was unlikely to be able to avoid this child.

grannytomine · 26/04/2017 10:50

I don't understand why OP is being blamed or her daughter. Presumably the little girl was asked if she would like to be a flower girl and she didn't want to be. If the bride had said to OP, I really need your DD to be a flower girl and if she doesn't agree then I will have to take back her invite to the wedding to allow someone else to attend, then the OP and her DD would have known it wasn't a invitation it was an order. If it was me I would have still said no as I don't think children should be forced to do something like this.

I refused to be a bridesmaid when I was 4, I was painfully shy and very fat and very aware that adults laughed about it. I am also ginger and got laughed at for that as well. So did I want to get dressed up in a frilly dress, I hated frilly dresses, and stand next to my sister and cousin who were slim, pretty with long black hair? Did I hell. For some reason the weight fell off in the next couple of years, I eventually fell in love with my red hair and by the time we were teenagers I was a very different person but at 4 I would have rather died than drawn attention to myself and Anyfucker you could have done anything you could think of up to and including beating me to death and I would not have done it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2017 10:58

granny

That's so sad to hate who you are so intensely at such a young age. I felt the same by about 5. Until then it was embarrassment of being me and stupid. Flowers

InfinityPlusOne · 26/04/2017 10:58

The last thing I would have wanted at my wedding was a child unwilling to play a role, for whatever reason, to be forced into it because I had two matching dresses and was scrambling to find a child to wear one of them.

I also consider it the height of rudeness to uninvite someone, child or adult, for such a petty reason.

I don't believe the OP was unreasonable to not force/cajole/manipulate (however other posters want to paint it) her DD into being a flower girl if she didn't want to be one. It was very unreasonable of the bride to uninvite the child when she didn't get what she wants.

InfinityPlusOne · 26/04/2017 11:01

It's pretty spiteful of the OP to allow her 6 year old to harbour such an intense dislike for the brides own daughter at her own wedding

Is it? We don't know what the reason is behind it and what the OP has or hadn't done to resolve matters

supermoon100 · 26/04/2017 11:02

My dd would jump at the chance of being a flower girl even if she had to do it with the child of voldemort.

GinIsIn · 26/04/2017 11:04

Haven't read the full thread so sorry if it's been said but how did you phrase it? If you told the bride your DD didn't want to do it because she hates the bride's daughter I can sort of see her point....

FreeNiki · 26/04/2017 11:04

We don't know what the reason is behind it and what the OP has or hadn't done to resolve matters

Yes. Because interestingly the OP having been asked why they dont get on has never explained why.

grannytomine · 26/04/2017 11:06

Mummyoflittledragon, it is sad, photos of me at that age are painful to look at as I am so obviously sad. Freckles were another source of fun to other people but my dad solved that one, he found me at around my 5th birthday with a face full of mum's make up as I tried to hide the dreaded freckles. When he found out what was wrong he told me he was shocked, obviously the people who made fun of me were jealous because freckles were the marks the angels left when they kissed you. I was obviously very special as the angels kissed me alot and those people with perfectly unmarked complexions (not quite how he described them) were just jealous. I think that was the start of me feeling better about myself. I feel sorry for people who haven't got anyone in their life who can make them feel good about themselves and I hate it when I hear adults say things like, Oh isn't she chubby or he's too pretty to be a boy. Why are some adults so insensitive.

Chloe84 · 26/04/2017 11:10

Isn't this the poster who posted the OP about the lunch bill dilemma, that was split between 2 adults with DC and one couple with DC and then never posted again?

What are the chances she doesn't return to this thread as well?

InfinityPlusOne · 26/04/2017 11:10

My dd would jump at the chance of being a flower girl even if she had to do it with the child of Voldemort

For some children it would be a nightmare, regardless of any conflict with another child. Shyness is one very good reason many wouldn't want to do it.

FreeNiki · 26/04/2017 11:12

grannytomine this isnt relevant. The OP has made is abundantly clear that the only reason she doesnt want to do it ia because she dislikes the brides own daughter. In those circumstances, a you dont even have to speak to her as you cant talk during the ceremony and you get to be in ceremony with mummy should have sufficed.

there is no suggestion she has any objection other than disliking the brides dd and people are just projecting.

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