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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friend 're her wedding??

222 replies

FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 20:45

Friend is getting married in 3 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid.

When she first announced she was getting married she said that no children other than relatives were coming. She agreed my DC could come as ex P works abroad and my parents and ex in laws are invited to the evening do.

Friend then asked DD to be a flower girl as her cousin wasn't able to come so her DD couldn't do. Friends DD and my DD do not get along so DD doesn't want to do it. She asked 2 weeks ago after her cousin dropping out and I told her the next day DD doesn't want to do it.

Friend has now uninvited (by text) my DC as a distant relative has contacted her to say they will be coming so they are taking DCs place.

aibu to be pissed off? Train hotel are all booked and paid for and quite a bit of expense. Mum has offered to miss out on the wedding at stay at home with them but we have also paid for a pet sitter who has a 4 week cancellation policy so that's more money I'll be burning.

OP posts:
CakesRUs · 26/04/2017 01:48

YANBU to bin the wedding, however, look at it from her point of view when telling all the guests that their children aren't allowed, but then there's an exception for you, would put her in an awkward position. A bridesmaid/flowergirl would have to be in attendance. Having said that, a no children wedding puts a huge burden on a lot of people attending a wedding. If you don't attend, I wouldn't blame you, it's a hard thing to ask families of all the guests to leave their children at home, she's going to upset some people and it turns out to be you.

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2017 02:15

TheStoic "It sounds like your friend did you a favour by accommodating your daughter at her wedding due to your circumstances", No, she did it, presumably, becayse if she did not the OP would not have been able to do her the favour of being her bridesmaid. A favour that has cost her the money for accommodation and a pet sitter - as opposed to a place at a wedding (which is less).

"Now she's asked you for a favour due to her circumstances, and you said No. Not because you can't, but because your daughter doesn't want to." Of course a child has the right to say they don't want to do something. I am sure the bride would be far more upset if the OP said yes, on behalf of her child, only to find the child would not put the dress on, would not stand where she was expected to etc and perhaps even burst out at a crucial point, "I hate you OP's friend's dd!!"

"... I can see why she is upset." I don;t think she is upset I think she is selfish and self absorbed. I bet if the OP does drop out her main concern will be she will be a bridesmaid down!

Cake "telling all the guests that their children aren't allowed, but then there's an exception for you, would put her in an awkward position."

She's the bride, if she wants only some kids and not others fine. It's not just that she has upset the OP - she has massively inconvenienced her and left her out of pocket!

If the rule really was no kids then when the OP said she could not find childcare the bride should not have asked her to be a bridesmaid.

melj1213 · 26/04/2017 02:19

I'd simply message the bride with something like

"Bridezilla, I just want to confirm that my DC are definitely now uninvited to your wedding? If so, I will have to regrettably withdraw from the wedding party. As we had agreed, the DC were attending because I have nobody else to look after them whilst I am your bridesmaid. Unfortunately, if they can no longer attend then neither can I. I'm sorry if that leaves you in the lurch but when you decided to uninvite my children you left me no choice in the matter."

FreeNiki · 26/04/2017 02:24

Why is it such a huge issue that she doesnt get on with friends dd?

Afaik they dont even need to speak to each other, just walk up the aisle and pose for pictures. Flower girl or not these children were going to be attending a wedding together with not many other children present so your DD wasnt going to avoid this child as she was a guest anyway.

You are a bridesmaid yourself so why the issue of her not liking the other flower girl. Couldn't you have said something like how would you like to be a bridesmaid with me.

She allowed your dd to attend for your convenience and now you wont do something for her convenience.

TheStoic · 26/04/2017 02:56

No, she did it, presumably, becayse if she did not the OP would not have been able to do her the favour of being her bridesmaid. A favour that has cost her the money for accommodation and a pet sitter - as opposed to a place at a wedding (which is less).

I guess that depends on whether you think being a bridesmaid for someone is doing them a 'favour'.

divadee · 26/04/2017 07:11

I wouldn't attend at all and don't think you are being unreasonable. No childcare then it can't be done.

We had something recently with my partner. Why do weddinga really show the worst in people? He had been asked to be best man 18 months ago. We then got pregnant and the baby was due end of January and the wedding was April. It wasn't a problem as my partner said to groom tell me when the suit fittings are and I will be there. I just can't do 3 weeks before and a month afterwards (the groom lives 4.5 hours drive away from us). Since October last year my other half has been asking about a stag do and suit fittings. Groom said he didn't want a stag do and the suit fittings will be done early January. Perfect.

Cue beginning of January, no suit fittings. Baby was born at the end of January. Horrendous post birth complications for me losing 6 pints of blood and a massive cervical tear and emergency surgery. The baby was fine but was born with severe hip dysplasia and was put in a harness at 2 weeks old. Cue hormonal mum tears and still recovering from the birth etc....

Groom then calls 2 weeks after birth saying he needs him down 4 weekends all through feb and march for the suit fittings and stag do and the weekend before the wedding for preparations and then the wedding weekend itself. My partner said to him I'm sorry I can't do 4 weekends can we not amalgamate it into one for suits and stag do and did say I thought you didn't want a stag do. The groom replied yeah but I've changed my mind and if you can't do it I will get a best man who can!! So partner was sacked my groomzilla as best man and then to make it worse was uninvited from the wedding!! It unfortunately has ruined the friendship as his best friend of 30 years won't even speak to him now. Such a shame and so petty but I think we still made the right call. You have to do what's right for you. Your family have to come first so bow out gracefully.

TheNaze73 · 26/04/2017 07:38

Her wedding her choice.

Like it's yours not to go after that unbelievable stunt on her part

Aderyn2016 · 26/04/2017 07:39

Diva, that is awful. Hope things are better for you and your baby now Flowers

I think groomzilla will regret this one day, when he has children. At the moment he doesn't know what it's like to have a new baby and esp how it affects life when the birth has been difficult or the baby isn't well.

MuffinMaiden · 26/04/2017 07:49

I can't help but wonder why the cousin and first choice flower girl dropped out. Also, who on Earth needs two flower girls?

sonyaya · 26/04/2017 08:21

cakes

This isn't an issue of a child free wedding. Not inviting OP's daughter in the first place is unimpeachable behaviour, but that's not what happened. She invited her then uninvited her.

I think people would understand the OP's daughter as OP is a bridesmaid. Then again wedding bring out not only the worst in brides and grooms, but also in parents so who knows.

onadifferentplanet · 26/04/2017 08:42

Totally missing the point I know, but what were you going to do with your DD while you were doing your bridesmaid duties if she was on her own? I would have thought you could have maybe sold the flower girl to her as being a nice thing and being able to be with you all day rather than being on her own all day .From what you have said you DD is not against the dressing up as a flower girl just the not wanting to be near the bride's daughter. What has happened to make a 6 year old dislike someone so much?

GlitteryFluff · 26/04/2017 08:49

I assume the dd was going to be with op's family (hers and the in laws) as they're all going aswell? Hence the no childcare?

hellomarshmallow · 26/04/2017 08:53

YANBU
Massive weddings cause so much shit.

givemestrengthorgin · 26/04/2017 08:58

Phone her to discuss it...texts are hopeless in this situation and just lead to more and more bad feeling. Speak to her about it. It can't be a surprise to her that your dd's don't get on so just discuss the situation and see if you can come up with a solution. She should have phoned you in the first instead of texting but that indicates that she knows it's an awkward situation.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/04/2017 08:58

If your DD was invited as a non-flower girl, what difference does it make that her cousin's DD is now a flower girl? Bridezilla arises from her dlumber.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/04/2017 09:03

Oh just reread the OP and they're swapping your DC's place for an adult rather than adding the extra guest on. Bride is bang out of order. Don't care it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes. Invite was already given and totally wrong to rescind that.

RitaMills · 26/04/2017 09:10

Shocking behaviour from friend, I agree that you should phone her and make her confirm that your DD is uninvited, it's easy to write a PA message but not so easy when confronted over the phone or face to face.

Your DD shouldn't have to be a flower girl if she is uncomfortable with it, no way would I force her if she genuinely doesn't want to, but I am wondering what on earth has happened between two 6 year olds that is more than petty squabbles, that to me seems like quite extreme feelings for such young children.

AmserGwin · 26/04/2017 09:10

Ring her and speak to her to sort it out properly! Don't text her

derxa · 26/04/2017 09:19

I agree with AF Also if you are a bridesmaid then you are in charge of the flower girls to make sure they're not scrapping in the aisle Hmm

EmmalinaC · 26/04/2017 09:19

I'm totally with anyfucker on this.

Your 'friend' asked your 6 year old to be a flower girl and you declined because she doesn't get on with the bride's daughter, but you still expect her to be invited to a child-free wedding?

Your childcare arrangements are not the bride's problem.

You need to get over it, or lose a 'friend'.

MrsPringles · 26/04/2017 09:24

I'd be returning the bridesmaid dress back to her and telling her to poke it

She can't uninvite your kids to make way for v late guests. She also can't force your DD to be a flowergirl.

So bad Shock

user1493035447 · 26/04/2017 09:28

Why don't you just take her and see what happens?

HashiAsLarry · 26/04/2017 09:30

She knew you had no childcare, which is still the case. melj has a good reply.

There are very few children my DD6 would say no to being around, which means if she says so I listen.

specialsubject · 26/04/2017 09:35

The bride is the nasty one - uninviting anyone is rude but a six year old who didn't fancy an itchy frock and a boring ceremony? Get real.

Op, tell the bride you will be in touch when she grows up. After the divorce ...

bettytaghetti · 26/04/2017 09:42

If she is a friend that you want to keep, could you suggest that your parents or ex's parents look after DD for the day part of the ceremony and then bring her to the evening do with them? Surely they would be able to accommodate a 6 yo for the evening part? All depends on whether you think this friendship is worth fighting for.