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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friend 're her wedding??

222 replies

FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 20:45

Friend is getting married in 3 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid.

When she first announced she was getting married she said that no children other than relatives were coming. She agreed my DC could come as ex P works abroad and my parents and ex in laws are invited to the evening do.

Friend then asked DD to be a flower girl as her cousin wasn't able to come so her DD couldn't do. Friends DD and my DD do not get along so DD doesn't want to do it. She asked 2 weeks ago after her cousin dropping out and I told her the next day DD doesn't want to do it.

Friend has now uninvited (by text) my DC as a distant relative has contacted her to say they will be coming so they are taking DCs place.

aibu to be pissed off? Train hotel are all booked and paid for and quite a bit of expense. Mum has offered to miss out on the wedding at stay at home with them but we have also paid for a pet sitter who has a 4 week cancellation policy so that's more money I'll be burning.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 25/04/2017 21:52

Of course your DD should have been pressured into doing something she didn't want to do.
Your "friend" has behaved like a bridezilla and been a real cow to you. Tell her you have unaccepted her invitation.

Funnyface1 · 25/04/2017 21:55

I think she must be feeling a bit stung that your DD doesn't want to do it and you've told her so. But her behaviour is still unreasonable. If it were me I'd probably be straight with her, explain that uninviting your DC doesn't work at all and if she stands by it then give the wedding a miss.

xForsythia · 25/04/2017 21:56

Children are entitled to have their opinions respected on these matters.

It depends how old they are, and on the child. Some kids refuse to go somewhere or do something, but once there absolutely refuse to leave. You know your child, sometimes it's worth ignoring them when it's for their own good. In theory, it's not mean to tell a little girl to be a flower girl, she might love it.

Hellothereitsme · 25/04/2017 21:57

Was your DD a flower girl so that she could attend the wedding bearing in mind none of the other guests kids are invited? Then when your DD said no it then became awkward for the bride as she was going to end up with a non relative child at the wedding having told other guests no kids so decided that DD can't attend as per the original rule.

Original poster
FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 22:02

Thank you everyone.

DD is 6. If it was a case of silly child squabbles then I would tell her to suck it tbh but she really does not get on with friends DD.

Really not sure what to do. She is only having me and her sister as bridesmaids so I'd feel really mean not going and like I would be doing the exact same as she is iyswim...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 22:05

So, let me get this right

The upshot of this is that you two need your bloody heads banging together. You have allowed two 6yo girls who "don't get on" to stuff up the bride's arrangements, your arrangements and probably kill your future friendship stone dead

Well done.

lampshady · 25/04/2017 22:06

I just wouldn't turn up because I'm am utter bitch. Wouldn't tell her.

Do you value the friendship and is it salvageable? People are nuts over weddings. Does she have form?

NavyandWhite · 25/04/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/04/2017 22:14

I don't think anything was stuffed up. Op's daughter was asked to be flower girl as a stand in because the intended girl dropped out. If she declines then the status quo remains - she is still a guest.

If it was a family wedding and my dd had been chosen I'd try to persuade her to take part. If she was a stand in to make up numbers I wouldn't think it necessary to try and persuade her.

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/04/2017 22:14

Children should have their opinions respected of course, but that doesn't mean you cannot reasonably discuss with them that sometimes it's nice to make choices that might not be your first preference.

Sometimes they are choices for their own good, like going to school which they make not want to do, some times it's for someone else's benefit like writing a thank you letter or visiting an elderly relative.

In this instance I would have said let's do friend a favour and be a flower girl for her on her wedding day, weddings are important to people and this woman is (was!) your friend.

I really don't see it as a bad thing to have your children do nice things for other people even if they don't always want to do them.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 22:14

Is the little girl still a guest or has she been uninvited completely?

Ragdoll545 · 25/04/2017 22:15

hmm tricky situation, although the bride was a dick by throwing her toys out the Pram you've effectively fucked up your plans and made your life hard just because your 6 year old said no. I get they have a choice but you really could hve talks her round, realistically all she had to do was wear a dress and smile for a picture she doesn't even have to talk to the other child if she doesn't want to. I think whilst the bride was unreasonable you were slightly more so.

soapboxqueen · 25/04/2017 22:21

Am I right in thinking that your friend said your dc could come due to your dp being away. Then after that she asked if your dd could be a flower girl because somebody else had dropped out but your dd (for whatever reason) didn't want to do it. So now your friend has found somebody else to be flower girl and has disinvited your dc?

Email/text/call her and say you thought she'd understood your difficulties regarding childcare etc and that's why your dc were invited. Is that no longer the case? If she says no, I'd just view it as a holiday for yourselves. I wouldn't go to the wedding. It's one thing to have a rule from the outset. Quite another to mess people about.

inlectorecumbit · 25/04/2017 22:21

Your DD was a stand in -not the original choice for bridesmaid so if she doesn't want to be a late stand in that's fine.
To dis invite your DD as she now needs to be substituted for someone else is really unacceptable especially as she was a guest from the outset.
The bride knew the issues you had with babysitting again from the beginning so for her to cancel the invite has messed your plans.

So bottom line - you have no childcare you can't go
The bride is BVVVU

Rainbunny · 25/04/2017 22:22

"you have allowed two 6yo girls who "don't get on" to stuff up the bride's arrangements,"

Seriously? Her dd was only asked close to the wedding as a second choice flower girl because the first one fell out. Big deal! So the second choice won't do it, the bride can get married without a flower girl like the majority of non-precious adults. The bride can ask people to participate in a wedding, she cannot demand them to do it. Rescinding a wedding invitation is the height of bad manners.

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 22:27

She should not have uninvited DD.
But I'm pretty damned sure I could have persuaded my six year old to do that favour.
(It's bloody good training for when she gets partnered up in primary by the teacher with someone she cannot stand. Life skills.)
So unless the other kid was going to trip her up going up the aisle it would have been a solid but easy favour.
I was expecting a truculent teen not a little 'un.
As to what you do now, I think you do need to point out you are now up shit creek and does she want you to drop out too? At least then, you'll know where your friendship stands.

Questioningeverything · 25/04/2017 22:29

I'd be sending the bride a message to say since you've uninvited my dc and I'll have no childcare obviously I won't be able to attend. Have a lovely wedding, sad it's cone to this.

EllaHen · 25/04/2017 22:31

If you do go, your dd will be incredibly hurt. Surely her feelings matter more than your mean friend's?

I can't believe you are considering going without your daughter. Unless of course, your dd doesn't want to go and won't know she's been uninvited.

Highfivethatfart · 25/04/2017 22:41

I would just ignore the text, do the bridesmaids duty and take DD along anyway. On the day she will be hopefully very happy at getting married and an extra guest of 6 years old won't be a huge worry and no bother to the venue etc. Just make sure you're sticking two fingers up in all the wedding pictures!

Astro55 · 25/04/2017 22:43

But the child won't have a place at a table or food arranged - how daft!!

Highfivethatfart · 25/04/2017 22:46

Astro55 - it doesn't take much to pull an extra chair up at a table and put a plate of food together!

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 22:51

If the relatives' DD taking over flower girl duties is replacing the cousin then she would be sitting/eating where original was and OP's DD would still be where she would have been as a lowly guest. Presumably the distant relative+1 are now needing two seats/meals but^ usually you have at least a couple who cannot attend or died not RSVP or drop out or don't turn up. Or bride pays for two more guests (presumably gets one more gift if being grabby) and don't take it out on OP's daughter. (The original flower girl would have had parents presumably attending so not sure what meal/place setting has to do with it).
Can't just ignore text/turn up though. You need to give bride an ultimatum and accept what comes back from that.

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 22:52

did not died, that would of course be a valid reason to be a no-show on the day

VikingLady · 25/04/2017 22:53

To everyone saying the child should have been persuaded: you don't know how difficult the other 6yo is. There are definitely a couple of kids my 5yo knows who would make her utterly miserable all day, regardless of supervision etc. Some kids pinch, some "say things that make me hurt, mummy" to quote DD.

GreatFuckability · 25/04/2017 22:53

Did I just enter the twilight zone?
If anyone asked me, as a grown woman, to be a bridesmaid i would very politely, but definitely refuse the offer, because of a million reasons.
Since when did asking if someone wants to do something, and them refusing politely become a rude thing to do??
Its a flower girl. it's no big deal if she only has one, surely??