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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friend 're her wedding??

222 replies

FataliePorkman · 25/04/2017 20:45

Friend is getting married in 3 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid.

When she first announced she was getting married she said that no children other than relatives were coming. She agreed my DC could come as ex P works abroad and my parents and ex in laws are invited to the evening do.

Friend then asked DD to be a flower girl as her cousin wasn't able to come so her DD couldn't do. Friends DD and my DD do not get along so DD doesn't want to do it. She asked 2 weeks ago after her cousin dropping out and I told her the next day DD doesn't want to do it.

Friend has now uninvited (by text) my DC as a distant relative has contacted her to say they will be coming so they are taking DCs place.

aibu to be pissed off? Train hotel are all booked and paid for and quite a bit of expense. Mum has offered to miss out on the wedding at stay at home with them but we have also paid for a pet sitter who has a 4 week cancellation policy so that's more money I'll be burning.

OP posts:
KC225 · 25/04/2017 22:54

You really need to be the bigger person and phone her. But tell us what happens

EweAreHere · 25/04/2017 22:56

Are you sure she's been uninvited from attending the wedding?

If she has, then, tbh, I would contact the hotel and ask about their cancellation policy right away. Maybe you can get a lot of your money back. As for the dog sitter, maybe you can go somewhere else for a few days.

Your friend has let her wedding go to her head. Your DD was invited, end of. Being a flower girl was not part of the original invitation, and not every little girls aspires to be one. Your friend if being petty and mean and vindictive towards a SIX year old. Not only that, the DD of one of her bridesmaid's!

REally poor. I would call her and ask her if she's sure she wants to do this, as you won't be able to attend either ... because why would you want to attend the wedding of someone who would treat you and your DD this way, let alone as a bridesmaid!

Highfivethatfart · 25/04/2017 22:57

Seconds thought you need to ring her and have a conversation - you're obviously close friends as she wants you as a bridesmaid so talk about it like gown ups! Or did she need her parents consent to get married as she's under 18????! After all she did start this by a text!

fuckwitery · 25/04/2017 22:59

I can't believe these things happen by text. She's your friend. Call her. Find out what's going on and then make a call on what to do. Don't bloody text her.

fuckwitery · 25/04/2017 23:00

Exactly highfive

cordeliavorkosigan · 25/04/2017 23:05

I kind of don't get it even when adults "don't get on" to the point of not being able to smile in a photo together (obviously except for cases of abuse and bullying). I mean, you don't click with everyone the same way, but seriously - does this other child bully yours really badly? How is there even enough access to each other, are they in the same school? How on earth can two 6 year olds "just not get on" that severely? Not loving to play together is not the same as not being able to wear a dress and take a picture together. Kind of a bad message that it's ok to have this attitude.
I think your friend is being unreasonable to invite your DD at the last minute and then un-invite her, and make it nearly impossible for you to come. You should talk to her about it, she may have forgotten your logistics in the midst of her own chaos.
But don't teach your child that it's ok to "just not get on" with people, not even having to be civil to them or manage to interact for an hour. Obv bullying / abuse excepted.
Anyway 6yo are quick to change friendships -- in 3 months, they could decide they're bffs and you'll still have fallen out with a friend, maybe forever, over it.

MakeItRain · 25/04/2017 23:09

I would send a message asking her to clarify what she means (even if you know). So something like "hi friend, I'm not sure I understood you. Do you mean dd can't come at all? This would make things really difficult as I've already paid for us both to stay in a hotel for the weekend (non refundable) and I would have no childcare for her. Or do you mean that she's no longer asked to be a flower girl but her invite still stands?'
That way you've made it clear what your problem is without actually saying you're not coming (yet). I think if she replies to say your dd is no longer invited at all, knowing your predicament, you could then say you'll have to back out.

GreatFuckability · 25/04/2017 23:14

but the reason the child doesn't want to do it is entirely besides the point. My DD1 would have rather died than done flower girl duty at that age. The child/the OP isn't at fault here!

Astro55 · 25/04/2017 23:24

Don't lay the blame on a 6 year old just because she doesn't want to play dress up - she isn't responsible is she? Geeezz

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 23:27

Nobody is blaming a 6yo

These two grown women need to grow the fuck up

Pancakeflipper · 25/04/2017 23:29

I'm with the you need to speak (not text) to her. You can't be bridesmaid if no one can look after your DD, but to pull out as bridesmaid at this stage ends friendship. So you need to talk.

Astro55 · 25/04/2017 23:30

Yes they are - all the 'I'd have make her' 'tell her she has to just smile' "don't get on" to the point of not being able to smile in a photo together '

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 23:32

She is 6. Not 16. She will do what her mum presents in a promising, exciting and positive way.

GlitteryFluff · 25/04/2017 23:34

I wouldn't go
I'd clarify that your dd is uninvited and if that's the case is say well as you're aware I've no childcare so i can't come either
Hope it goes well. Etc

Astro55 · 25/04/2017 23:35

Why would you?

DD wear this or you won't come wasnt exactly what the OP was expecting was it?

She may already have a dress she wants to wear - probably matches a bow or shoes -

Nobody should force her into anything

GlitteryFluff · 25/04/2017 23:35

Basically what makeitrain said is what I'd do

ItsOut · 25/04/2017 23:35

The OPs DD was asked to be a flower girl and she declined, 🤷🏻‍♀️ there is nothing wrong with that at all. Her actions didn't 'stuff up' the wedding plans Hmm

OP, I agree that you should phone your friend and clarify the situation. If she is genuinely now uninviting your DD then I'd be tempted to pull out. It's a really weird to uninvite someone from a wedding. Confused

MadamePomfrey · 25/04/2017 23:39

Why should the 6 year old have been made/encouraged to be a flower girl?? She was second choice so not super important to the bride emotionally or something and my understanding is she didn't say yes then change her mind she was asked didn't want to do it so said no why is that even an issue??

As to the rest of it you need to talk to the bride in person as soon as you can

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 23:39

So when a 6yo decides she isn't e.g.. going to school today, she shouldn't be "forced into anything"

Never "forced" into sharing. Never "forced" into being polite to ordinary people she meets. Never "forced" into not back chatting her teacher. Never "forced" into going to bed before midnight. Never "forced" to give the baby his toy back.

What stuff and nonsense.

Astro55 · 25/04/2017 23:46

Well obviously there are non negotiables

Bed time teeth school

Then things they can chose - clothes friends tv

And things that are complete no - sticking hands on an iron running in the road

Refusing to be a flower girls isn't essential or necessary

ItsOut · 25/04/2017 23:50

AnyFucker. I think you are getting a bit silly now. No one is suggesting a 6 year old shouldn't have to do certain important things. However even a six year old can decline an invite to be an afterthought flower girl.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 23:50

Politeness for example isn't "essential", for example

Maybe I don't get it because I simply would not offer the choice of being a flower girl or not. I would present it in such a way that she wanted to do it. That's quite an easy thing to do with a 6yo. Not so much a 16yo.

I reckon op presented it in a really negative way for reasons of her own

KC225 · 25/04/2017 23:52

Because being dressed as dolly, sprinkling manufacturered petals on the floor is a vital life lesson for a six year old girl. This thread is not about the little girl refusing to be the second choice flower girl - it's about the bride being unreasonable.

Anyfucker are you the bride?

MadamePomfrey · 25/04/2017 23:54

No everyone needs rules of course there are non negotiable things that as parents we make children do, no one is suggesting otherwise. Being a flower girl isn't one of them though some kids enjoy things like that others don't. Letting her say no to this doesn't mean she has no rules!! As an adult if some one asks me to bridesmaid I have the right to say no surely?? Just because I say no to that doesn't mean I think I have the right to break the speed limit or stop showing up to work as they are totally different why is it different for a child?

GreatFuckability · 25/04/2017 23:55

She is 6. Not 16. She will do what her mum presents in a promising, exciting and positive way

that's just nonsense. some children are shy, some children hate dressing up, some hate being looked at, some don't like specific clothing.

Of my 3 children, only 1 would be even remotely interested in being a flower girl/part of a wedding. they are people and entitled to feel how they feel.

Its not the same as school, school is important and for their greater benefit. being a flower girl is not.

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